viernes, 30 de diciembre de 2011

African Bullfrog Plays Ant Crusher, With Splendid Results!

Imagine you have access to an African Bullfrog. Once you'd finished singing The Beatles' 'Hey Bulldog' at it, there's very little you can do with it away from feeding it and mopping up the mess it makes.

Right?

Wrong. See, one bright bulb decided to get his frog and make it play Ant Crusher (that's a game you get on phones, y'dozy widge! What have you been doing for the past year?). Of course, what unfurls is asking for trouble. As the kidz say, FAIL.

So, as you might expect, the frog toad thing gamely plays the app game and, if it was a cute creature, you'd be cooing about how adorable it all is.

Of course, it's a horrible slimy thing that looks like a Merman's ballbag.

Anyway, stick around to the end of the video.

Seriously, it's worth it. A frog owning dork gets vague comeuppance and how you'll titter at slight misfortune.

DO IT NOW.

Optimizing WordPress 404?s

One of the great things about WordPress is how 404 error pages are handled. If a page isn't found then you can show a proper dynamic error page giving the user things to do - this removes a lot of the traditional problems with 404 pages, ie the dead end syndrome.

404 is the server error code that is generated for content that doesn't exist.

However these new 404 pages are a lot slower than normal 404's, they require database contact, and PHP processing so if you have a lot of them they can slow down your server. Most times the benefits outweigh the negatives however there is one time when this isn't the case.

Images and other media that are not loaded, do not need a full 404 page. If you're linking to an image that doesn't exist then you could create a lot of extra work for your web server.

How to make it work

To stop the 404 page from executing fully I look at the url and work out if it's a url for a blocked file type (jpg, css, js, etc). If the file is in the list of bad file types then it gets stopped and a message is displayed.

function bm_404Response() { 	header('HTTP/1.1 404 Not Found'); 	if (!empty($_SERVER['REQUEST_URI'])) { 		$fileExtension = strtolower(pathinfo($_SERVER['REQUEST_URI'], PATHINFO_EXTENSION)); 	} else { 		$fileExtension = ''; 	} 	$badFileTypes = array( 		'css', 'txt', 'jpg', 'gif', 'rar', 'zip', 'png', 'bmp', 'tar', 'doc', 'xml', 'js', 	); 	$badFileTypes = apply_filters('bm_404BadFileTypes', $badFileTypes); 	if (in_array($fileExtension, $badFileTypes)) { 		echo 'error - file does not exist'; 		die(); 	} }

Where to use it

This function should be added to your themes functions.php file. To execute it I placed it at the top of my 404.php template page, however in hindsight I could probably also use an action instead and may just tweak my theme to use that instead. There's nothing like writing about something to make the problems clear! :)

Do you have any ideas for other things I could do to improve this code? Do you think it's a good idea?

Soirée Graphique

Soirée Graphique poster design

This poster was created for an annual graphic design exhibition in Berne, Switzerland.

"There was no brief or boundaries. After thinking for some time, I figured that a graphic designer faced with no content should create something without content."
— FELIX PFAFFLI

Spotted after turning a page in Computer Arts Collection (a new six-part title from Computer Arts).

Soirée Graphique poster design

Love the colour. I'd happily hang this one on my wall.

Design (and photo) from the website of Switzerland-based designer Felix Pfäffli.

Logo Design Love, the book

Related posts on David Airey dot com

Singing Intruder Lets Coldplay’s Chris Martin Know What It Feels Like For The Rest Of Us

You know what it's like. You're minding your own business, doing absolutely nothing wrong and then, KAPOW! Some awful Coldplay song barges into your subconscious while being used as an aspirational bit on some dreary television show.

It simply isn't fair.

However, thanks to a singing intruder (there clearly should be more 'singing intruders'… it needs to be a 'thing'), Chris Martin now knows exactly what it is like for the rest of us poor, innocent, ear-having plebians.

According to various reports, the Coldplay frontweapon revealed how he had to chuck an intruder out of the garden of his family home that he shares with Gwyneth 'oh jeez, she's started singing too' Paltrow.

This warbling trespasser managed to get into Martin's garden and started singing Coldplay tracks to his pals who were stood outside the premises.

Martin:

"I had a guy the other day who climbed over the gate of our house and started singing Coldplay songs to his friends on the street."

He added, showing what a dreadful control-freak bore he is:

"Listen, you're just not doing that right."

"He politely left. It was bordering on intrusion. Still, it's nice that people like the songs."

A proper celebrity would have attacked them with a shovel handle or sent armed guards to get the stun-guns out, but no, not beige Chris Martin. It's all Polite This and Excuse Me That.

What a grating loser.

Justin Bieber’s Grandparents Nearly Dead

If there's one thing worse than a bad thing happening to a celebrity, it's a bad thing happening to a non-celebrity that is in some way related to a celebrity. Take for example, the dreadful news that Justin Bieber's grandparents are nearly dead.

You'll be forgiven for thinking 'all grandparents are nearly dead', but you must remember that Bieber is a matter of hours old. So young is JB that his grandparents could justifiably be 23 years old or something.

No. They're nearly dead because they've been in a car crash. This can only mean one thing…

Justin Bieber's grandfather has been discharged from hospital following a rather serious (but presumably hilarious, judging by the laughs car-crashes get on clip shows) accident in Canada.

Bieber's mom, Pattie Mallette, took to Twitter to ask for prayers (which will do absolutely nothing, but hey ho! You should really ask for everyone to think about how great doctors and nurses are, eh?) after the vehicle her parents – Bruce and Diane Dale – were driving careered out of control and flipped splendidly into a ditch.

In a post, she wrote:

"My dad has broken ribs. Plz pray 4 him 4 quick healing! Count your blessings and forgive ur parents always. U never know what tomorrow holds!!!"

Forgive your parents? Why? What have these people done to you? Are they monstrous pinheads or something?

Either way, all this means is that Bieber is quite obviously going to make some kind of soul-searching tune about all this because, if we've learned anything about this odious little berk, it is that he's excellent at turning connected events into bubblegum money for himself.

Hope for a concept album called 'Grandpa At The Wheel With The Reaper'.

Lady GaGa Has A Boyfriend So You Can Stop Pretending To Fancy Her Now

Lady Gaga is the ideal woman for… well… most gay men in the world. Apart from those who think she's cynically milking the gay purse for all it's worth. Of course, there are straight people and lesbians who fancy her as well, but all that doesn't matter.

Bad news for you guys.

See, it appears that GaGa has sidestepped the whole, tired 'Hur hur, she's got a penis' rumours to 'Hur hur, she's riding someone else's penis' now as she was spotted on a romantic stroll with a Vampire Diaries star. Presumably, they were both wearing crab-claw shoes and sporting hats made from tumble-dryer drums. Just to avoid being conspicuous you understand.

So who is this fanged hunk? Well, it's the one and only (no, not Chesney Hawkes) Taylor Kinney. Wait. Weren't they a punky girlband who were really great in the late 90s?

Probably not.

Either way, GaGa, with her underpants made from cobwebs and a bra made out of wistful memories, was spotted tottering around like a parrot on a perch with Kinney in California at Christmas. Christmas in Cali must be rubbish. All that frost and snow killing the man-planted palm trees. Awful.

Naturally, Queen Ga' has been linked to The Vampire Diaries star before (some unimportant time in summer) after he played her love interest in the music video for her single You And I. Remember? Us neither.

AND NOW! Whoa. Wait 'til you hear this… they were spotted walking with their arms wrapped affectionately around each other. Entwined. AND walking. At. The. Same. Time. Amazing. Those crab shoes will have certainly helped them to walk sideways as they refused to rip their glare from each other's crying-with-emotion eyeballs.

This is surely the greatest love-story ever told.

Beyonce To Go To Hospital To Have Fake Baby Bump Removed?

Uh-oh! There's a baby due in New York City! That can only mean one thing! Beyonce is going to have her fake baby bump removed after what seems like only a month of wearing it and some surrogate is going to hand over a beautiful child!

Or, indeed, she's actually going to force one out of her toot. Unlikely though, right?

Obviously, the story has been that she cleverly concealed her pregnancy before revealing it at the MTV Music Awards… but that can't possibly be right can it? Effectively, while we like Beyonce's music, we thoroughly don't trust her. You've heard 1+1, If I Were A Boy and Ego right?

Anyway, B is apparently moments away from giving birth to her first child and nurses at New York's St Luke's Roosevelt hospital are said to have been told to prepare for a celebrity VIP. Just like the speedy pregnancy, she could be popping one out as early as TODAY.

We can also assume that the saccharine tribute to her bundle of joy has already been written, complete with lines like "you complete me" and something to do with miracles.

Of course, what with Beyonce and Jay Z being ostentatious, they've booked half the floor of the hospital's Labor and Delivery Suite, which invariably means that loads of other New Yoikers will be giving birth in the street on wallpapering tables, delivered by Doctor Nick (Hi everybody!).

A spokesperson for the singer was unavailable for comment earlier today.

Mercifully, we never ever need an official line from celebrities we're talking about because, ostensibly, everyone is making this shit up anyway.

Great!

We should all totally start speculating about what she's gonna call the baby. We're putting our money on Jermajesty or Sandra.

Everyone Now Quite Desperate For Katy Perry And Russell Brand To Split

Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven't been married very long have they? You'd think they'd want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?

Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they're quite obviously splitting up.

Why? Because that's what everyone wants. Basically, they've got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there's a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.

The pair had apparently planned for Katy's family to get whisked to London via private jet for the holidays, but alas, Perry changed her mind and decided instead, to faff around in Hawaii with her friends.

The source says:

"They had a massive fight. She was like, 'F–k you. I'm going to do my own thing.' Russell replied, 'Fine, f–k you too.'"

So that's why Katy Perry was papped in a bikini while frollicking around in the Pacific Ocean off Kauai without her wedding ring! That's why Brand was sat in a pub in Coverack, Cornwall!

Of course, previous stories about this pair have been about pregnancy and near constant reminders of Brand's former penchant for heroin, but alas, as relapses and baby-bumps weren't fast enough, we've had to focus our attentions on looking for cracks to form in their relationship.

That source again:

"They haven't split up just yet, but things are not good. The fighting is getting worse."

Why?

"Katy doesn't think Russell respects her parents' Christian beliefs or her friends."

WILL THEY SPLIT IN 2012?! God, we hope so! And if they could time it with a quiet news day, that would be ideal! Many thanks, The Media.

A Newsdump for 29 December 2011: From Nelly Furtado getting real to Rihanna's 'Birthday Cake' deal

Barry Manilow Now Two Eyes Away From Being Entirely Man-Made After Hip Replacement

Barry Manilow, these days, looks like a man constantly doing a bank robbery with a pair of tights squeezed over that peculiar face of his. That's the perils of indulging in FAR TOO MUCH plastic surgery folks!

And now, Baz The Manilow is shuffling to recovery after undergoing hip replacement surgery, like he's someone's nan.

Of course, now he's got new hips, only his eyeballs are the things he was born with, leaving absolutely everything else constructed by now incredibly wealthy plastic surgeons. Basically, he's the Frankenstein's Monster of MOR.

The 362-year-old star underwent an operation to treat an inflammatory condition called bursitis or something and quacks repaired some torn leg muscles. Presumably, they were under too much strain after being pulled toward his eerily immovable face.

If you ever see Manilow with a jazz beard, you can absolutely assume that his facelift is so tight that it has pulled his public hair all the way up to his neck.

In a letter posted on Facebook, Manilow gave fans an update on his progress.

He wrote:

"I tell you, going though something as rough as this makes you very grateful for a lot of things. Grateful for the genius doctors who can perform this incredibly complicated surgery; grateful for the caregivers who treated me like their own family and most of all grateful for good health. I will never, never take being healthy for granted again.

"Not being able to do anything without a team of people helping me was an eye opener. And I mean anything. Like getting out of bed or getting to the john to brush my teeth…"

Aw, someone had to help him whizz! That's nice isn't it? We bet his genitals look exactly like his face.

He added:

"The good news is that after three nightmarish weeks, I'm coming back from the dead. I'm slowly beginning to walk – still with a walker – but I think that will be over soon… The doctors say that everything should start to ease up by the end of this week. If that's so, what a great New Year's Eve I'm going to have!"

A great NYE with the weirdest face in pop! HURRAY! Hopefully, he can have a think about that song of his, 'I Write The Songs', which he didn't write. It's been bugging us for years!

Diagnostic test takedown by copyright bullies

The New England Journal of Medicine report on how the authors of key screening test, the Mini–mental state examination, have initiated a take-down of an open, validated and freely-available equivalent due to it also asking test-takers to recall three words, a string of numbers and some basic questions about the date and location.

The Mini–mental state examination, commonly known as the MMSE, is most widely used to screen for cognitive impairment and requires little specialist knowledge in neuropsychology, so it has become the evaluation of choice for most general doctors.

As most people with dementia are managed by general practitioners, the majority of people with dementia are likely to rely on the MMSE for their diagnosis.

The copyright is genuinely owned by the creators but after more than 30 years of it being freely copied without complaint the authors have initiated a copyright clampdown, now charging $1.23 per copy through a company called PAR Inc.

Disappointed by the cash-in, Harvard neurologist Tamara Fong created and validated an open-access 16-item test to do the same job which she named the Sweet 16 (word to the wise: don't name your test something which could get you in trouble for Googling).

Among other things, the Sweet 16 contains a part where you are asked to remember three words, a part where you are asked to remember a string of numbers and a part where you are asked to say the time, date and location.

As with many cognitive tests, these short tasks are also part of the MMSE.

The Sweet 16 is now no longer available online due to a presumed copyright action by the MMSE authors and publishing company.

The New England Journal of Medicine notes:

For clinicians, the risk of infringement is real. Photocopying or downloading the MMSE probably constitutes infringement; those who publish the MMSE on a Web site or pocket card could incur more severe penalties for distribution.

Even more chilling is the "takedown" of the Sweet 16, apparently under threat of legal action from PAR (although PAR has not commented publicly). Are the creators of any new cognitive test that includes orientation questions or requires a patient to recall three items subject to action by PAR? However disputable the legal niceties, few physicians or institutions would want to have to argue their case in court.

Cashing-in on a simple and now, clinically essential, bedside test that you've ignored for three decades makes you seem, at best, greedy.

Taking down open-access equivalents because they also ask people the location and date and to remember a handful of words and numbers makes you a seem like a cock and a danger to clinical progress.

The NEJM again:

…there is a clear clinical benefit to using well-tested, well-validated, continually improved clinical tools in complex patient care — as demonstrated by the MMSE's use before 2000.

In a sense, copyleft is how academic medicine has always been assumed to work. Restrictive licensing of such basic tools wastes resources, prevents standardization, and detracts from efforts to improve patient care.

This is really disgraceful behaviour and the MMSE authors and PAR Inc. should reconsider their attempts at stopping independently developed diagnostic evaluations because they include simple memory tests, but hopefully the event will lead to wider understanding for the need to have open tests for clinical assessment.
 

Link to NEJM on takedown of essential clinical tests (via @deevybee)

jueves, 29 de diciembre de 2011

Rumsfeld on the damaging impact of US drug regulations

The Samizdata people are a bunch of sinister and heavily armed globalist illuminati who seek to infect the entire world with the values of personal liberty and several property. Amongst our many crimes is a sense of humour and the intermittent use of British spelling.

We are also a varied group made up of social individualists, classical liberals, whigs, libertarians, extropians, futurists, 'Porcupines', Karl Popper fetishists, recovering neo-conservatives, crazed Ayn Rand worshipers, over-caffeinated Virginia Postrel devotees, witty Frédéric Bastiat wannabes, cypherpunks, minarchists, kritarchists and wild-eyed anarcho-capitalists from Britain, North America, Australia and Europe.

The Samizdatistas are:

Editors
Principal contributors
Contributors
Resting Contributors
Samizdata.net editors are God and God moves in mysterious ways. If you have an article, comment, rant or smart-arse rejoinder that you would like to contribute to Samizdata.net, e-mail it to us and we might publish it suitably edited. Or not.

Yes they do know it's Christmas

The Samizdata people are a bunch of sinister and heavily armed globalist illuminati who seek to infect the entire world with the values of personal liberty and several property. Amongst our many crimes is a sense of humour and the intermittent use of British spelling.

We are also a varied group made up of social individualists, classical liberals, whigs, libertarians, extropians, futurists, 'Porcupines', Karl Popper fetishists, recovering neo-conservatives, crazed Ayn Rand worshipers, over-caffeinated Virginia Postrel devotees, witty Frédéric Bastiat wannabes, cypherpunks, minarchists, kritarchists and wild-eyed anarcho-capitalists from Britain, North America, Australia and Europe.

The Samizdatistas are:

Editors
Principal contributors
Contributors
Resting Contributors
Samizdata.net editors are God and God moves in mysterious ways. If you have an article, comment, rant or smart-arse rejoinder that you would like to contribute to Samizdata.net, e-mail it to us and we might publish it suitably edited. Or not.

Optimizing WordPress 404?s

One of the great things about WordPress is how 404 error pages are handled. If a page isn't found then you can show a proper dynamic error page giving the user things to do - this removes a lot of the traditional problems with 404 pages, ie the dead end syndrome.

404 is the server error code that is generated for content that doesn't exist.

However these new 404 pages are a lot slower than normal 404's, they require database contact, and PHP processing so if you have a lot of them they can slow down your server. Most times the benefits outweigh the negatives however there is one time when this isn't the case.

Images and other media that are not loaded, do not need a full 404 page. If you're linking to an image that doesn't exist then you could create a lot of extra work for your web server.

How to make it work

To stop the 404 page from executing fully I look at the url and work out if it's a url for a blocked file type (jpg, css, js, etc). If the file is in the list of bad file types then it gets stopped and a message is displayed.

function bm_404Response() { 	header('HTTP/1.1 404 Not Found'); 	if (!empty($_SERVER['REQUEST_URI'])) { 		$fileExtension = strtolower(pathinfo($_SERVER['REQUEST_URI'], PATHINFO_EXTENSION)); 	} else { 		$fileExtension = ''; 	} 	$badFileTypes = array( 		'css', 'txt', 'jpg', 'gif', 'rar', 'zip', 'png', 'bmp', 'tar', 'doc', 'xml', 'js', 	); 	$badFileTypes = apply_filters('bm_404BadFileTypes', $badFileTypes); 	if (in_array($fileExtension, $badFileTypes)) { 		echo 'error - file does not exist'; 		die(); 	} }

Where to use it

This function should be added to your themes functions.php file. To execute it I placed it at the top of my 404.php template page, however in hindsight I could probably also use an action instead and may just tweak my theme to use that instead. There's nothing like writing about something to make the problems clear! :)

Do you have any ideas for other things I could do to improve this code? Do you think it's a good idea?

Soirée Graphique

Soirée Graphique poster design

This poster was created for an annual graphic design exhibition in Berne, Switzerland.

"There was no brief or boundaries. After thinking for some time, I figured that a graphic designer faced with no content should create something without content."
— FELIX PFAFFLI

Spotted after turning a page in Computer Arts Collection (a new six-part title from Computer Arts).

Soirée Graphique poster design

Love the colour. I'd happily hang this one on my wall.

Design (and photo) from the website of Switzerland-based designer Felix Pfäffli.

Logo Design Love, the book

Related posts on David Airey dot com

The mysterious nodding syndrome

New Scientist reports that Uganda has been hit by a new outbreak of the mysterious 'nodding syndrome' or 'nodding disease' that seems to be an unknown neurological condition that only affects children.

There is not much known about it but it seems to be a genuine neurological condition (and not an outbreak of 'mass hysteria') that has devastated the lives of children in the region.

Affected children show a distinctive head nodding (although I would describe it more as lolling than nodding) and show delayed development neurologically and stunted growth physically. This apparently leads to malnutrition, injuries and reportedly, death.

The 'head nodding' is also reported to be prompted by food and eating, and by feeling cold, although these triggers are not as well verified.

If you want to see video of the symptoms the best is a seven minute piece from Global Health Frontline News although there's also a good shorter report from Al Jazeera TV.

This brief Nature News article summarises what we know about it although from the neurological perspective there is good evidence from a preliminary studies that epilepsy and brain abnormalities are common in those with the condition.

There is some suspicion that it might be linked to infection with Onchocerca volvulus, the nematode parasite that causes river blindness, but early studies don't show consistent results and 'nodding syndrome' isn't prevalent in some other areas where the parasite is common.

One of the most mysterious aspects is why it only seems to affect children and currently there are no theories as to why.
 

Link to Nature News article on 'nodding syndrome'.
Link to Global Health News TV report.
Link to open-access neurological study.

Taylor Lautner NOT Gay (Robert Pattinson Still Boring Though)

It's a big day for people not being gay. There's more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay's face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.

Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being "out & proud" and ready to "open up about his decision to finally come out."

Except, get this, the cover isn't a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.

Poor Lautner.

Anyway, the people at People have come forward and said that they had nothing to do with the cover and promptly washed their hands of the whole ordeal.

Like anyone would if they'd falsely claimed a major A-list movie star was gay on one of the biggest American magazines in publication.

So there we have it. Taylor Lautner isn't gay, okay?

But Craig Revel Horwood and Graham Norton still are, although it's early on in the day, it could all change.

In other news, both heterosexuality, bisexuality and homosexuality have completely deserted Robert Pattinson after utterly forgetting that he even existed, leaving him to reside with asexuality with a innersole and some lint.

Cheetah The Chimpanzee, Now Very Much Dead (You Thought It Was Already Dead Didn’t You?)

Cheetah, the fastest one from the Thundercats has died. Lion-O is said to be uncontrollably grief stricken and considering alcoholism while Snarf is preparing a press-conference about her untimely… wait… that's the wrong one. We're talking about Tarzan's buddy aren't we?

Okay, glossing over the fact that, like most publications, we're willing to invent situations out of an event that hasn't happened, the sad news is that Cheetah the chimpanzee who starred in the Tarzan movies of the early '30s has died.

Yes. Really. It was 80 years old! And it smoked like a trooper as well. Allow us the chance to fawn with empty praise of the death of a celebrity like we always cared about them in the first place. That's what we're supposed to do, right?

The tragic news came through from The Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Palm Harbour, Florida, that some stupid monkey died of kidney failure on Dec 24th.

The world, mourning the loss of one of the greatest talents ever known, has not only lost a fine actor, but also, one the great artists of many generations.

Debbie Cobb, director of the sanctuary, said Cheetah had loved finger painting and had seemed particularly tuned into human feelings.

Of course, 'tuned into human feelings' actually means that he was known to throw his own faeces around if he became upset (what's known in Hollywood as 'being a diva' – if you hear an act say that they're a diva, they're basically confessing to throwing handfuls of their own poo at assistants).

Naturally, after the Tarzan films, Cheetah went on to star in a myriad of PG Tips adverts (notably the one where he played a removal man who flung handfuls of waste at an elderly woman) as well as taking the lead in the Planet Of The Apes franchise (which was brought about after an alleged 'casting couch incident' with a certain C. Heston).

He's still a stupid animal though who emoted about as much as a dandelion.

Jessie J Warns Of A ‘Lot More Pain’ On Next Album… For Anyone Who Hears It, Presumably

No Frills Natasha Bedingfield (yes, we understand the gravity of that set-up) Jessie J has blighted our ears with her hysterical shrieking and needless runs and vocal gymnastics throughout 2011, wobbling around on her plaster-casted foot, determined to tell us how REAL she is.

Real enough to carve it into your arm and then go disappearing off a bridge somewhere, a la Richey Edwards?

And as painful as it was to hear her dreadful music, she's promising that the next batch of songs will be even more difficult for us to listen to promising a "lot more pain", like any of us deserved it. It's been a tough year as it is, you heartless wart!

Apparently, the already gaspingly self-indulgent singer is planning to explore the darker side of her character. Such as? Well, she wants to look at the struggles she had before she was famous for inevitably awful next LP.

She told the Daily Star:

"There will be a lot more pain in the lyrics on my next album. For the seven years before I signed my record deal I was in a bad place and I was scared that I couldn't get out of it. That's why I wrote such upbeat music, as a way of trying to escape how I felt."

"Now that I am happier, I won't be afraid to explore my pain. But in a good way; it'll be me saying that it's OK not to feel OK."

Oh Jesus H. It's going to be Self Help Pamphlet: The Musical, isn't it?

And, unbelievably, there's worse news. Jessie is planning to work with limp squib Ed Sheeran who will coyly look you in the eye before whispering some hokey catpiss over Jessie doing vocal somersaults for the thousandth time.

Then, to completely defecate into the already large, opened wound, she said without any sense of irony:

"I also want to work with James Morrison again".

We'll give you our address and you can come murder one off all over us right now. This is unbearable.

A Newsdump for 28 December 2011: From Cher Lloyd swagger hate to Kelly Rowland's timekeeping fate

Will Smith Is An Egomaniac Anti-Christ Don’t You Know?

Think about Will Smith in your piddling mind. Go on. Try. What are you thinking? That he seems like an inoffensively nice bloke. The kind of chap you could take home to mama and everything would be AOK?

WRONG! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? THE MAN IS CLEARLY A MONSTER!

How so? Well, you may have seen recently, that the cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air go back together for a nice reunion. One person wasn't there. That person is Janet Hubert and she wants you all to know the truth about Will Smith and what a massive jerk he is. Honest. He's nearly as bad as Lucifer himself. No, it's nothing to do with his pop-rap career which blossomed with a WIKKIWILDWILDWEST.

Janet played the original Vivian Banks in the Fresh Prince, before getting fired for getting pregnant. Great work patriarchy. She spat to coffin chasers TMZ:

"There will never be a reunion as I will never do anything with an asshole like Will Smith."

"He is still an egomaniac and has not grown up."

It seems that former co-stars Tatyana Ali, Karyn Parsons, Alfonso Riberio and James Avery don't think Will Smith is a massive demonic bozo. And who are we to believe? James Avery isn't only Dad Phil in Fresh Prince, but he's also the voice of Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Surely we all side with him?

Either was, Hubert still blames Smith for her 1993 mid-series departure from the show.

"This constant reunion will never ever happen in my lifetime unless there is an apology. He doesn't know the word."

Smith has before spoken about all this, once saying:

"She's mad now but she's been mad all along. She said once, 'I've been in the business for 10 years and this snotty-nosed punk comes along and gets a show.' No matter what, to her I'm just the AntiChrist."

So there you have it. Will Smith. As evil as a box of goat hooves.

They really do not get us

I was struck by the tone of an article I recently read by a conservative journalist who simply could not understand why libertarians have not abandoned Ron Paul now that the supposedly deadly leftist power word has been uttered against him along with great waggling of magic wands.

My answer to him and others is that we are a tough lot and I laugh in the face of the PC power words. Unlike Conservative journalists I do not wet my knickers at the thought of someone attempting to tar me with it. Since I know I am not a racist, I simply do not care what anyone says or writes. I am immune, and that is perhaps one of the things which makes people like me and other libertarians even more frightening to the powers that be. We lack proper fear.

Anyone who like myself has been on the front lines of libertarianism for years, for decades even, understands. We have been fighting our battle against hopeless odds with pretty much everyone against us except when it was to their advantage and they felt they had nothing to lose. We are used to losing and then dusting ourselves off and going off to the next battle, and the next battle. Like a horde of Don Quixote's we have continued to attack the blades of the windmill, but unlike him we are having an effect. Every strike of the lance vibrates the blade, every vibration wears on the bearings, and the wear is starting to make the axle wobble. One day the entire Statist enterprise will tear itself apart and send blades cartwheeling over the countryside and it will be in no small thanks to us.

This is not to say we do not hunger for personal tastes of victory, even if in small ways. The Ron Paul candidacy is one of those. No matter what happens now, we have won hugely. Millions of people have been introduced to ideas that will resonate long after they forget where they heard them. The libertarian genie is well and truly out of the bottle. We win with every day that goes by with us in the race. We win with every million dollars the Ron Paul campaign pours into broadcasting our message, a message of freedom and individualism the media has long ignored, filtered, twisted or blocked. Should he take Iowa and New Hampshire the old boys network of the Republican Party will be out in even more force with their friends in the Democratic Party to stop him. The two may be very different in what they want to do, but they both share a common love of power and your money.

Some made the mistake of thinking the Conservatives were our friends. I knew that was not true. They were only interested in us so long as they thought they could use us to their advantage. Has anyone noticed how the Conservative media turned against us as soon as it looked like we might actually have a real effect on the election? Even Pajamas Media has taken a decidly anti-libertarian turn. I must admit that one surprised me a bit, but as to the rest, I fully expected it.

I still do not expect Ron Paul will win, but God Almighty, I do intend to let those Sons of Bitches know we libertarians were there. If you are Conservative and you still do not understand why we fight after reading this missive... you are really rather dense.

It is simple. After thirty-five years, we have finally tasted blood in the political scene and for once it is not our own.

Sinead O’Connor Decides Marriage Isn’t For Her, 16 Days After Ceremony (Also: Gays)

After Kim Kardashian split with her husband after an incredibly short period, now Sinead O'Connor is in on the act ending her marriage to Barry Herridge after a paltry 16 days. She was wed in Vegas on December 8 and call it a day on Christmas Eve.

It feels like there's something stirring.

Like what? Well, we have a theory. Our celebrities are getting married and then making a sham of it. There can only be one reason for this. No. Not because they're all entitled lunatic who shouldn't be allowed to leave the house. Rather, they're doing because of the gays.

Sinead O'Connor has written on her official website that the couple only managed to live together for just seven days before calling time on their relationship.

That's impressive isn't it? A whole week of married hell. Of course, the Irish Catholics will be doing somersaults about this as they reserve a particular loathing for Sinead in their icily useless hearts.

Apparently, the drive-thru wedding came about because her new husband was heavily pressurised by people close to him and that's why their marriage had to end.

On her official blog:

"From the moment myself and my husband got together not long ago, there was intense pressure placed upon him by certain people in his life, not to be involved with me."

O'Connor also claimed that their wedding had been "kyboshed" within just three hours after their wedding, not to mention the fact that the pair went on a mad Supermarket Sweep style dash in the hunt for drugs on their wedding night so that they could celebrate.

So what's the craic? Well, with right-wingers all lambasting the notion of gay marriage, it seems that all our celebrities are going to roundly mock the notion of wedlock altogether so that, in the future, when people talk of the sanctity of straight-marriage in the eyes of god, there will be a thousand celebrity weddings that make a complete farce of it all.

The natural progression is that Justin Timberlake will be next, getting married for 20 seconds before calling it quits, paving the way for Miley Cyrus to find a beau and conduct a televised event where she simultaneously gets married and divorced, melting the legal veracity of all future marriages.

It's going to be brilliant.

I’m Addicted To Sex Says Olly Murs With A Wink And A Nudge

Olly 'the luckiest boiled potato on Earth' Murs is definitely some things: irritatingly catchy pop himbo, presenter of X Factor siamese show, The Xtra Factor and technically a man. These things are fact. They can't be denied.

But what would you say if we told you that the flamboyant singer slash presenter slash runner up was in fact heterosexual, and not as you would think, a total Mo.

And for that matter, what would professional beard Caroline Flack say now we know about Olly and Harry Styles' torrid, Brokeback Mountain-esque romance? She'd probably go back to being Bubbles The Monkey. Seriously. Google it.

Well Murs has managed to force his jaw through a regulation width door frame to perpetuate the myth that he loves to lick lily and other general vaginary things, and make sure that he still gets invited to Louis Walsh's super secret naked Westlife tribute parties.

Speaking to Fabulous magazine, Murs said that he was kind of addicted to sex. And shopping. And cosmopolitans. And his Sex and The City boxset before going off onto a diatribe of how hard it is finding his Mr Big.

"Shopping is my only addiction – some people get addicted to drugs or drink or sex. Well, having said that, I'm kind of addicted to sex. I'm not going to lie – I've enjoyed being single. But I've been careful. I don't hop it and out of beds, I'm not a male slag or anything. But I'm single, I'm a pop singer – if I said I hadn't slept with any girls you'd be worried about me!"

Not us Olly. We don't care if you don't sleep with any girls. We'd also like the mental image of your chin grunting away out of our heads as well.

This isn't the first time that Olly Murs has dispelled rumours that he likes it up the shoot. He even spoke to Entertainmentwise back in November to tell people that he isn't gay at all. At all.

"…one paper said they thought I was gay. That was the most weird story I've ever seen because I am far from gay. Far from gay! So that was a very strange to see. Me? Gay? Really?!"

Gay, dear? Who, dear? Me, dear? No, dear.

How very dare us.

Hecklerspray On… Pets

What kind of monster empathises with animals? Is it because they've got the same colour blood as us? In fact, there's people out there who have more sympathy for animals than they do people from different cultures.

Humans are stupid and this is proven by the need for them to have animals as pets.

Think about it. There's people in this awful world that like nothing more than staring at silent fish in a tank. There's people out there who like to dress their dogs up like little humans. There's even people who think that cats are anything other than selfish, greedy snobs who only cohabit with humans to get an easy feed.

If aliens came to Earth, they'd almost certainly ask about our need to live with other species and not eat them. We spend years fattening these creatures up and then, somehow, we end up letting them lick us in our mouths and sleep on our beds while we leave the radio on for them so they don't feel lonely while we're at work.

Like animals have the clout to feel 'loneliness'. The only thing they're sufficiently able to do is produce waste-products from all that food we've given them.

And for what? A short life span which sees them absolutely dying before we do, leaving us to be thoroughly upset about something that never showed true kindness to us. It was an imagined kindness. We put human emotions on them because we've become unable to deal with our own. We're too filled with fear to mix with other communities or people of different ages, divided by social spheres and musical tastes, and so, we transpose what we would like to see in people onto them.

This is how an actual conversation with your cat goes like:

Owner: Oh, hello Snookins! I've had an awful day. *puts plethora of bags down*

Snookins: FEED ME

Owner: Oooh! You are adorable! Have you missed me?

Snookins: FEED ME.

Owner: Just a second Snookins! Just let me pour myself a glass of wine.

Snookins: FEED ME. I HAVE URINATED BEHIND THE TELEVISION.

Owner: Aw, you! You're the only person I need! You understand me don't you? Oh Snookins, I don't know what I'd do without you.

Snookins: FEED ME OR I'M GOING TO THAT OLD LADY'S HOUSE DOWN THE ROAD WHO BUYS CAT FOOD EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T HAVE A CAT.

Owner: Oh, you are the most handsome cat in the whole world Snookins! Don't you want letting out?

Snookins: I'M SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FEEDING ME FAST ENOUGH SO I'M GOING TO THE OLD LADY DOWN THE ROAD. THEN I'LL KILL SOMETHING AND BRING IT IN THE HOUSE. THEN I'LL DEMAND MORE FOOD. I AM INCAPABLE OF THIS THING YOU CALL LOVE.

Owner: Go on. Out you go Snookins. I'm not alone as long as I've got you.

Snookins: I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU MADE SOMEONE CUT OUT MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS. I'LL WANT MORE FOOD LATER. I'LL STICK MY BUMHOLE IN YOUR FACE LATER.

Owner: I love you Snookins.

Snookins: I BARELY KNOW YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A DIFFERENT SPECIES.

And that's the truth of the matter. With dogs, they simply want feeding constantly. They won't even show behaviour what looks like malice, unless you count the mindless violent they perform on postmen around the world.

It's this inherent failing and loneliness in humans that has been our downfall. While animals get on with surviving, we've developed empathy which, in turns, enables the heartless to exploit us all one-by-one until all we have left is passive-aggressive status updates on various social networking sites.

And pets are entirely to blame.

This post was sponsored by Dos Equis

miércoles, 28 de diciembre de 2011

pause to reflect

Not exactly a festive shot, but it was taken on Christmas Eve :)

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

The Samizdata people are a bunch of sinister and heavily armed globalist illuminati who seek to infect the entire world with the values of personal liberty and several property. Amongst our many crimes is a sense of humour and the intermittent use of British spelling.

We are also a varied group made up of social individualists, classical liberals, whigs, libertarians, extropians, futurists, 'Porcupines', Karl Popper fetishists, recovering neo-conservatives, crazed Ayn Rand worshipers, over-caffeinated Virginia Postrel devotees, witty Frédéric Bastiat wannabes, cypherpunks, minarchists, kritarchists and wild-eyed anarcho-capitalists from Britain, North America, Australia and Europe.

The Samizdatistas are:

Editors
Principal contributors
Contributors
Resting Contributors
Samizdata.net editors are God and God moves in mysterious ways. If you have an article, comment, rant or smart-arse rejoinder that you would like to contribute to Samizdata.net, e-mail it to us and we might publish it suitably edited. Or not.

The Borrowers

The Samizdata people are a bunch of sinister and heavily armed globalist illuminati who seek to infect the entire world with the values of personal liberty and several property. Amongst our many crimes is a sense of humour and the intermittent use of British spelling.

We are also a varied group made up of social individualists, classical liberals, whigs, libertarians, extropians, futurists, 'Porcupines', Karl Popper fetishists, recovering neo-conservatives, crazed Ayn Rand worshipers, over-caffeinated Virginia Postrel devotees, witty Frédéric Bastiat wannabes, cypherpunks, minarchists, kritarchists and wild-eyed anarcho-capitalists from Britain, North America, Australia and Europe.

The Samizdatistas are:

Editors
Principal contributors
Contributors
Resting Contributors
Samizdata.net editors are God and God moves in mysterious ways. If you have an article, comment, rant or smart-arse rejoinder that you would like to contribute to Samizdata.net, e-mail it to us and we might publish it suitably edited. Or not.

Unlikely causes of dementia

An article on the history of dementia lists the somewhat odd causes for the degenerative brain condition as given by the pioneering French psychiatrist Jean Etienne Esquirol in 1838:

Menstrual disorders, Sequelae [consequences] of delivery, Head injuries, Progression of age, Ataxic fever, Hemorrhoids surgery, Mania and monomania, Paralysis, Apoplexy, Syphilis, Mercury abuse, Dietary excesses, Wine abuse, Masturbation, Unhappy love, Fears, Political upheavals, Unfulfilled ambitions, Poverty, Domestic problems

Although there are clearly some rather bizarre causes in the list, it's worth noting that 19th century physicians didn't always make a clear distinction between different forms of perceived 'madness' and had little grasp of what contributed to mental instability.

However, the list was clearly a big advance from the causes put forward by the Ancient Greek writer Solon who said dementia was caused by "physical pain, violence, drugs, old age or the persuasion of a woman"!

Dementia is actually a decline in mental function that happens more quickly than would be expected from normal ageing and is usually accompanied by clearly detectable neurological degeneration – such as in Alzheimer's disease or vascular dementia.
 

Link to locked academic article on the history of dementia.

Optimizing WordPress 404?s

One of the great things about WordPress is how 404 error pages are handled. If a page isn't found then you can show a proper dynamic error page giving the user things to do - this removes a lot of the traditional problems with 404 pages, ie the dead end syndrome.

404 is the server error code that is generated for content that doesn't exist.

However these new 404 pages are a lot slower than normal 404's, they require database contact, and PHP processing so if you have a lot of them they can slow down your server. Most times the benefits outweigh the negatives however there is one time when this isn't the case.

Images and other media that are not loaded, do not need a full 404 page. If you're linking to an image that doesn't exist then you could create a lot of extra work for your web server.

How to make it work

To stop the 404 page from executing fully I look at the url and work out if it's a url for a blocked file type (jpg, css, js, etc). If the file is in the list of bad file types then it gets stopped and a message is displayed.

function bm_404Response() { 	header('HTTP/1.1 404 Not Found'); 	if (!empty($_SERVER['REQUEST_URI'])) { 		$fileExtension = strtolower(pathinfo($_SERVER['REQUEST_URI'], PATHINFO_EXTENSION)); 	} else { 		$fileExtension = ''; 	} 	$badFileTypes = array( 		'css', 'txt', 'jpg', 'gif', 'rar', 'zip', 'png', 'bmp', 'tar', 'doc', 'xml', 'js', 	); 	$badFileTypes = apply_filters('bm_404BadFileTypes', $badFileTypes); 	if (in_array($fileExtension, $badFileTypes)) { 		echo 'error - file does not exist'; 		die(); 	} }

Where to use it

This function should be added to your themes functions.php file. To execute it I placed it at the top of my 404.php template page, however in hindsight I could probably also use an action instead and may just tweak my theme to use that instead. There's nothing like writing about something to make the problems clear! :)

Do you have any ideas for other things I could do to improve this code? Do you think it's a good idea?

A Newsdump for 27 December 2011: From Jessie J's vid for your eyes to Jennifer Hudson avoiding pies

Jessie J's 'Domino' – which has so far peaked at the not-quite-so-dizzy-heights of 54 in the UK charts – now has a video in which Jessie 'sports' a lot of her "trademark body suits" ("onesies"). (Daily Mail) It's all quite vibrant and colourful, which might be a bit too much if you're nursing a post-Boxing Day hangover.

Scissor Sisters' new single is called 'Shady Love' and features demure rapper Azealia Banks. (Facebook) It will be played by Annie Mac between 10pm and 1am on Radio One next Monday, so keep a three-hour window free in your schedule.

Certain parts of Rihanna's new video for 'You Da One' may have been 'inspired' ('stolen') from the work of photographer Sølve Sundsbø. (That Grape Juice)

A Britney Spears song called 'Strangest Love' – apparently recorded around 2003 - has recently leaked. (Ace Showbiz) The article also features an acoustic version of 'Femme Fatale' bonus track 'Don't Keep Me Waiting' if that's your 'thing'. (It's bloody rubbish.)

If you missed Lady Gaga's festive gift 'Stuck On Fuckin' You', you can listen to it here. (Billboard)  (That's bloody rubbish as well.)

Nicole Scherzinger says she is "an artist first, not a judge first", suggesting that her entirely successful stint on US X Factor may not be repeated next year. (Daily Mirror) It is just as well, we suppose, that she can fall back on her successful recording career.

'Can't B Good' hitmaker Janet Jackson has been named Grinch Of The Year by PETA. (Jam! Showbiz)

Music sales in the US are up a solid 1% from 2010, and it's all thanks to Adele, Lady Gaga and Michael Bublé. (Reuters)

And finally, Jennifer Hudson has 'revealed' in her book I Got This: How I Changed My Ways And Lost What Weighed Me Down that she turned down the lead role in Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire as she didn't want to put on weight. (Us Magazine) So inspirational.

THAT WAS some of THE NEWS.

Champions of Design

Champions of Design is a paperback book and free-to-download PDF published in December 2011 by Jones Knowles Ritchie (jkr).

"In this book we celebrate twenty-five great works of design, the people who created them and the clients who bought them."

Here's an excerpt, featuring on one of the 25 brands.

Old Penguin logo

Penguin

Given its beloved status as a British institution to rival the BBC, it's worth remembering what a revolutionary idea Penguin originally was. The company's cheap but well-made, well-designed books found a new audience of working and middle-class readers that few believed existed. The future really was orange.

If the point of a brand mark is to guarantee quality, then Penguin excels. My father, a lifelong devotee, describes it as 'my university'. Many share his trust and appreciation. Like holding a Guinness at the bar, one feels part of a select band when reading a Penguin on the Tube or beach. Generations of investment in great design has helped earn this status.

Penguin book covers stripes
Photo source: James Muspratt (not in Champions of Design book)

The original (Tube map inspired?) system of distinctive coloured stripes met the business strategy; they would have been cheap to produce, compared with myriad cover designs and illustrations. However, we don't want cheap brands. We want great brands cheap. Penguin used good paper, quality binding and typography that allowed the words to breathe. They were designs of hardback quality in soft covers.

This flightless bird has adapted beautifully over the years, radically changing its design approach in response to market forces and trends, from the graphical covers of the 60s, to the commercial designs of today. Penguin achieved coherent change mostly from having a strong in-house design culture. This ethos was not elitist. Edward Young was a 21-year-old office junior when he drew the logo and devised the colour-coding system. A secretary came up with the name.

Luck also plays a part in great brand design. Penguin was still young as World War II erupted, and its format just so happened to prove the perfect fit for a battledress pocket. On such quirks are great brands built.

Written by Silas Amos, a founder designer at jkr in 1990.

Each of the 25 case studies includes a brand timeline and "Did you know?" page.

Did you know that in 1989, following Penguin's publication of Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses, bombs were planted in a Penguin bookshop in York and in Liberty's in London where the company also had a concession?

Champions of Design

Download your free copy of the PDF here on the jkr website.

Somewhat related: Penguin logo guidelines.

Logo Design Love, the book

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