Readers’ Letters: “The Blind Leading The Blind” Or “The Passion Of The Trite”

Is it possible that there's a direct correlation between Readers' Letters going into hibernation for a couple of weeks and you lot losing your minds?

It certainly seems that way to us. This week has been a bumper Christmas annual of bad form and spirit crushing idiocy and we have you to thank for it. Yes, you the reader. You're scum and we love it.

Gird your loins, it's time for a trawl through the foetid hecklerspray post bag.

They've been busy this week, the trolls and brain-withered fools who think we genuinely care. We were recently accused of not being able to identify when someone's trolling us, suggesting that we shouldn't "feed the troll". Trolls have to eat too. Therefore we must assume that all hecklerspray comments are 100% serious and from the heart.

Otherwise we'd have to have a team of highly-trained specialists on staff and we can barely afford our pet teacup pig. We keep it ironically. Obviously.

Still, not everyone appreciates the good-humoured grunt of a teacup pig. Some people prefer overt sexism with their eggs on a Sunday morning. Like this "fan" who got in touch with us to eloquently defend the BBC's Something For The Weekend.

You are a Pratt! The show is full of Gd humour, easy to watch, cheerfull, full of harmless banter. After a hard wk, its nice to watch something easy with a Bacon roll and a hot cuppa coffee.
So stop your moaning, chill out and turn the tv over, knowone makes you watch it!

So there you go. Sexism is harmless, Tim Lovejoy isn't an odious bastard and we don't have to watch things we don't like. Much in the same way that people don't have to read things they don't like.

Funnily enough though, Readers' Letters occasionally requires us to research the websites of the people who abuse us. Usually they're Justin Bieber fansites or tumblr blogs loaded to the hilt with One Direction fan fiction but occasionally you get a good one. Occasionally you get two in one week. That occasion is this week.

Take Vegangster for instance who got up-in-arms after we suggested that horses are useless and should be put to death in the interest of Dustin Hoffman's career. Now, obviously we were kidding and believe that the only time horses should actively be put to death is if it benefits Adam Rickett's career but the Vegangster, a man who poses on his website dressed up as a gang-banger (not like that, don't click it), took exception to our opinion:

YOU are a fucking douchebag with a tiny penis. In case you didn't know, TPS, or, tiny penis syndrome makes men REALLY insecure, hence they behave as if they were better, smarter, and more valuable than everyone else. Having TPS means that the afflicted think they can use others for their own entertainment, pleasure, or just to get a thrill from using others for NO reason at all. Stupid cunt. If there was a contest to see who was more intelligent, more empathetic, who had higher morals, MY money goes is on the horse. By the way, I'm not a posho, I have no sentimentality of being a spoiled little so and so, and my rich daddy never bought me riding lessons you massive tosser. I wish I could spray prick be gone via the internet.

Well, let's focus on the positives, shall we? At least the Vegangster has taken the joke and run with it. We all know that the Vegangster is capable of putting across a reasoned, sensible argument to counter our joke-laden little piece but he's chosen to adopt the style of a sonorous imbecile instead. That's comedy, folks. Think of him as Animal Activism's Adam Sandler.

Last time out, we were accused of being hoisted by our own petard when we referenced a comment about the last bastion of feminism, Chris Brown. It was alleged that we mocked someone who was trolling. That was a mistake that we won't make twice.

That's a lie. We'll definitely do it again.

Not this time though! We did our research. TimboPassion, one of the moderators of "The Timbaland Passion" left an irate comment on our article about the despicable Mr Brown and his inappropriate relationships with seagulls:

YOU ALL JUST NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP! Chris beat up Rihanna, SO WHAT!? It's not like he's the only guy who's ever done that, it's happened throughout all history! All you damn media companies need to stop building on things like this, its absolutely DISGUSTING! Frankly I HATE Rihanna because she's sponged off too much from the 2009 incident, I mean look at all the albums that followed suddenly, not to mention all those singles… And what does Chris do? He took the blame and accepted his actions and took full responsibility and all you do is mock him further? You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! You are not being at all fair to either people. I hope that seagull finds you "big-wigs" and removes one of your eyes instead. Good day to you all.

That's right. We should be ashamed of ourselves. We were the ones who committed the act. It was us- Chris Brown is just a scapegoat that we're using to disguise our anti-female agenda. Muhuhahahahahahahahahafuckoff. Of course, TimboPassion shouldn't be blamed for condoning domestic violence and being an all-round berk and we definitely wouldn't suggest that you go and enjoy the chat box on their website and tell them just how damaging their opinion is. We wouldn't. Otherwise, what's the point of Readers' Letters?

We're going to have a nice comment now to try and soften the impact of the next negative comment. Imagine the business practice of the "compliment sandwich" but in this case, the compliment is the filling between two slices of scum.

You guys made me laugh so much that my stomach is hurting and tears coming out my eyes. I love the style of your writting you guys make serious situation( for brown punching bags) not too serious. I don't want her to call m word, monkeybum is hilarious or rain a can of whup ass on me with her blackberry then go to the court and said she is hormones cos of imaginary pregnancy. I have never laughed this bad in my life. I feel sorry for Kate Middleton since prince Williams. Is gonna be a king which means he is gonna be more powerful than pimps and he will make the mi5 @6 to do his beat down.

Yes, not only is it complimentary, it's also bloody weird. Fear not though, you might need the codebreakers of Bletchley Park to hack away the layers of double-meaning in that comment to expose its soft-minded intent but you won't for this:

I HATE NIGGAS, SPICS, NIPS, GUKS, NAZIS, KIEKS, WOPS, DIEGOS, SAND NIGGERS, MEXICANS,, AND RED NECKS!

I am an american Indian.

That's the opinion of big mofo. He chose to tell us this on an article about Dog The Bounty Hunter. People pick really strange ways to display their racism but we feel that by giving him a little bit of space on Readers' Letters, the fact that he's a small-minded sack of shit can stand forever.

AND FINALLY, qwerty wanted to know:

What do you gain by promoting that God doesn't exist?

Don't you know? It's all a test. Those that publicly denounce God are the true believers. It's like one of those old movies where the test was actually t0 stand up to the authority figure. That's what we're doing. Enjoy your existential crisis.

Until next week, you warty wastrels.