Ten Things To Expect From The Voice; Contains Full Frontal Jessie J

The day we've all dreaded has finally arrived at the hecklerspray bedsit: The day when Jessie J finally strong arms her way into our primetime TV schedule and makes a complete fool of herself in her quest for some sort of acceptance from everyone.

And all the while, making Will. I. Am look normal. Which is an achievement. Even Fergie didn't manage that and she looks like a duck mated with Jennifer Lopez. That's one freaky looking woman.

Undoubtedly Jessie J is going to be the one to watch on The Voice for a number of reasons. She loves the sound of own voice so much rumour has it that they're going to elope this Summer and sell the rights to OK! magazine. She always wears totally ridiculous outfits that, if nothing else, frame her vagina. Why would anyone want to do that? It's like putting Predator in an Elizabethan ruff. She also likes to think that she's down with the kids so we'll have lots of stupid catchphrases that will break Twitter at some point during Saturday night.

It isn't just Jessie J who will make The Voice fantastic TV; there's three other judges, on of which is a member of the worst bands in the history of music, The Black Eyed Peas. And he's always makes good TV. Mainly because he's a colossal bungpipe.

But what can we expect from The Voice? Will it be a massive contender for The X Factor? Probably not, it is the BBC; the TV station that insists on having the audience clap along to the theme tune. Not in a charming Blockbusters Hand Jive way, but in a 'let's involve everyone' way. Don't worry though, we'll prepare you for the upcoming onslaught to your ears and eyes.

Jessie J will wear something ridiculous. It's almost a certainty that she will strut out with her House of Eliot hairstyle and high waisted lame trousers in a shade that you can only describe after acknowledging legislation about quarantine protocols and taking a chemical shower afterwards.

She likes to think that's fashion forward and on the very edge of style, but she just looks like she's had a stroke in stages. In the dark. While listening to The Prodigy. On her Zune.

Tom Jones will name drop a massive star from the 60s; possibly Shirley Bassey. This is because no one under the age of 21 will have a clue who Tom Jones is. They might show that video he did with Cerys Matthews from Catatonia. Besides it being one of his most recent major releases, it's also awesome to watch. Tom Jones is the devil. How fantastic is that?

Will. I. Am will wear some stupid looking sunglasses even though the studio is indoors. Also may say "nega." He seems to be able to do these things and say words that make no sense and no seems to bat an eyelid. Which makes it equally unfair for people like us who have to string cogent sentences together for your entertainment and he can say stupid stuff and get away with it. What we're saying is basically 'Get a dictionary Will. I. Am.'

Someone will reference women throwing knickers at Tom Jones. This is one of the things that people know Tom Jones for. Skiddies flying through the air. Not much of an accolade when you see it like that is it?

They will bang on about how The Voice is focusing on The Voice and not how people look. The producers of The Voice seem to think that slagging off The X Factor is a clever thing to do, when in fact it's dramatically flawed for a number of reasons. No one cares whether someone can sing or not when they look good. Take Frankie Cocozza on last year's X Factor. He couldn't sing without sounding like he was keeping in a good fart, but he made it through a large portion of the show.

And does anyone believe that once the people with the good voices are picked that they won't be styled to within an inch of their beings? Of course they will. Whoever Jessie J coaches will come out next week looking like Donatella Versace sicked up on Big Bird and pushed them through TK Maxx. Just like whoever Will. I. Am coaches will strut out looking like a slutty Barbarella. Sorry, that should be sluttier.

Someone on Twitter will think that they are being completely hilarious by calling Holly Willoughby "Holly Willoughbooby." Or by tweeting the Coaches directly telling them that they are wrong for picking Mary Byrne's lookalike.

The New "SuBo." This one seems like it could go either way. At some point, there will be a contestant who looks like a rougher version Grotbags but can sing like Pavarotti and everyone will be all 'wow, you shouldn't judge a person by their appearance when they can sing like that.' Yes, you shouldn't judge by a person by their appearance, but why does it take Susan Boyle looking like a transvestite to show you that? It's a lazy Britain's Got Talent trick that they do each year to reiterate that the contestants are real people and not preened and spoilt stage school kids.

Someone will mention Cheryl Cole; probably Will. I. Am in his preamble about why he's the biggest sack of distended testes in the World. Urgh.

Everyone will wonder what Danny O'Donaghue is doing on this show and question what he could bring to the careers of hopefuls. But then he'll talk and everyone will forget all of that because he's good looking and Irish. That's like catching the Snitch and getting a blowie off Angelina Jolie at the same time. (150 points to Gryffindor! Are you going to swallow?)

There'll be an impromptu argument between two of the Coaches. We're guessing Jessie J and Tom Jones. It won't be orchestrated by the producers and certainly won't make Jessie J look like she's the BBC's answer to Tulisa, in regards to being a ballsy female singer and not a cock munching no hoper.

So there's that. Enjoy, because you won't get those hours back.