Ten Things We’ve Learnt From Last Night’s Apprentice

We'd like to say that seeing another group of self obsessed diehard Conservatives hog our TV's for the next twelve weeks will be torture. We'd also like to say that seeing them get into every possible problem when dealing with sausage rolls/balloons/bread (delete as appropriate) won't make our funny bones tingle with what we can only presume osteoporosis feels like.

We'd also like to say that seeing the man who resembles a distended scrotum playing God with people's lives isn't a thrilling act of voyeurism.

But we can't. From start to end The Apprentice is a fantastic hour of TV that, if nothing else, reminds people from the North that people who want to better themselves by fannying around with Profit and Loss sheets and "marketing" will ultimately get slapped down by a man who's hair could grease enough frying pans to make a million bacon sandwiches. And make him into the modern day equivalent of Jesus and his Amazing Fish Trick.

It also gives back to the local economy. How else would the Bridge Cafe stay in business if it wasn't for the twelve weeks of losing teams going to bicker over tea as weak as Margaret Thatcher's piss and "pastries" (code for stale custard sandwiches)? And who knows what millions last year's winner Tom's curved nail files will bring in to body conscious witches.

Obviously we have to look at The Apprentice from an educational stand point, after all the BBC can't go on rampant reality TV sprees like ITV can. They need a point; like what does this show us about how business works and how professionalism can trump rampant madness when displayed in a business meeting? As well as how much makeup is too much makeup? Well we will talk you through what you should have learned from last night's Apprentice. There'll be a test, so take notes.

There's a very fine line between being an astute entrepreneur and looking like you'd know how to skin someone for bringing you the wrong coffee order. Unfortunately a lot of the contestants veer on the wrong side of this line, with wild stares of unending contempt for one another being not only hilarious, but also intimidating. Which equals fantastic screen grabs.

Maria tells us that she is like Marmite. Which is right. She's sort of brown and we hate her.
There isn't much more irritating than a group of arse achingly smug Yuppies giving each other high fives over completing a task as small as picking a team name. Actually there is, their faces while doing it. The dopes look so pleased with themselves.

Someone needs to consign shiny suits to where they belong. The centre of the Sun. Or in a galaxy far, far away.
Jane McEvoy looks like Elaine Figgis who's just been to the Benefit counter in Boots. Whereas Maria looks like she's just headbutted the Benefit counter in Boots.

Seeing Nicolas (the better looking twin of David Mitchell) slowly getting undermined by Stephen No Chin reminds us of the time that Hitler used everyone's fear of another massive War to his own advantage. And that didn't end well. Have you read 'Anne Frank's Diary?' Total buzzkill.

Masquerading business jargon like "strategy" and "mark up" can only hide a complete lack of understanding of how the real World works for so long. Eventually we all fall into the same bracket of undermensch when we're feasting on a KFC with our bare hands like savages.

Seeing women passively bitch slap each other with their ring hands will never be dull.

Eating art deco Willy Wonka food will always make our fish finger sandwiches and Lidl brand Pot Noodles pale in comparison. Maybe having a fish finger clothes horse would make up for that. Someone present that idea to Lordallun for us will they? We would, but we're worried we'll fall into one of the folds of his face and be declared dead after being missing for seven years.

The Winner of The Apprentice: Week One has to be Jane McEvoy for being one of the most miserable harridans to ever grace Lordallun's board room. Seeing her have John McCririck style meltdowns and jettisoning her bra at every opportunity will be like an Advent Calendar. A sexy, angry Advent Calendar.