Soap Spoilers! Killers! Hoodies! Holidays!

Hello Soap fans! Did you have a good weekend? Don't answer that, we're only being polite. We couldn't care less how your weekend went, we're only filling up some space before we launch into this week's Soap Spoilers.  

We're heartless and selfish but this is why you want us in a dirty way. Don't bother denying it, we're still not listening.

Enough with all this small talk and shameless flirting, let's find out what's happening to people in Soapland who are clearly much better than you lot.

Eastenders first this week and we can confirm that Heather is well and truly dead from a slightly wimpy blow to the head with a picture frame by Ben Mitchell who, is about as threatening as a week-old puppy and we're meant to believe that he's some sort of maniac. Still, you lot buy this crap so we'll play along.

Jay is increasingly unstable and before he can run naked around Albert Square like a slightly paler version of Jason Russell, Ben tells Jay that he's got his blood stained hoodie, which would make an excellent euphemism if it wasn't literally, his blood stained hooded top.  Jay then tells Phil, Phil burns the hoodie with fire and Ben is left all angry and rejected once again, probably humming the tune to 'Boy for Sale' from Oliver. BUT Jay pays a visit to the Police station anyway, and we have no idea if he grasses everyone up or just weeps from his bloodshot eyes once again.

Elsewhere, Jean decides that Heather would have wanted everyone to dress in Wham t-shirts to celebrate her pointless life and throws a tribute night for her at the Vic, where Shirley throws a fit because she thinks they're all taking the piss out of Heather and probably because no one wants to see her dance to Mel and Kim again. She has a run in with Mandy who then leaves Ian because he doesn't stand up for her. We don't think he even stands up to wee wee, so this doesn't surprise us. Evil Derek (the worst TV baddie ever) is still trying to take over the Mitchell empire and Phil plans to reclaim it after he's finished telling his son Ben to stop killing off cast members.

Next it's Coronation Street where it's all quiet on the killing front as Anne Foster was revealed as the cold-blooded killer of rapist Frank, who also happens to be her son, but this is all quickly forgotten this week when  Audrey and Lewis decide to tell everyone that they're doing it again and at least 4 people are unhappy about this.  Gail and David are convinced that he'll break her heart again and David refuses to sign the salon back over to her, so she can use the money to go on one of those holiday things we've heard so much about.  She changes the locks, Kylie sends a solicitor's letter and somewhere, in a dark room, a writer wishes he was dead.

Lesley takes Amy for a walk to the ice-cream van causing panic for Eileen and Tracy and Bill Roache, aka Ken Barlow, has slept with 1000 women. What's that you cry? UNLIKELY!?! Indeed.

Finally it's time for Neighbours where Summer decides to repeat year 12 because she's a big fat cheating liar. Everyone makes fun of her and she snaps, going on a murderous rampage of epic proportions. Toadie is the first one to die, which is just as well as he's been worrying about his sperm and the less said about that the better. Next she decapitates Paul Robinson for making that awful, AWFUL pop record, followed by Andrew for being more successful than her. Finally, she spots Lou Carpenter who's been kicking about Ramsay Street for at least 87 years and puts him out of his misery once and for all. Chris also dies again in an unrelated incident involving a bear.

Now that's over, let's all sit back and watch Emmerdale actor James Thornton and his comedian mate Charlie Barker dancing for Sport's Relief last year because it's utterly brilliant.