One Direction Land US No.1 To Show That World’s Population Is One Giant Idiot Hamper

This failing planet is filled with a dying species called Humans. They'll listen to any ol' tosh. Just take the news that One Direction have become the first UK pop group to debut at number one on the US album chart.

We look to America for guidance and every single time, we catch them with their trousers down, eating grease burgers on the can, burping at their ballbags and throwing a shrug.

Meanwhile, Harry Style's continues his bid to take over the entire world while he has sex with all the women three times his age. These are worrying times.

Their first release Up All Night bounded to the top spot on the Billboard chart, with Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson (we write all their names at least once in an article because it's good for 'search engine optimisation') saying its a 'dream come true'.

Styles said:

"We simply cannot believe that we are number one in America. It's beyond a dream come true for us. We want to thank each and every one of our fans in the US who bought our album and we would also like to thank the American public for being so supportive of us."

Of course, this means that they'll be safe precisely nowhere on this awful planet. Success in America ensures that your entire life will be soundtracked by shrill screams and people trying to pull handfuls of your hair out of your already ringing head.

Hurray!

Niall Horan (the only one who seems like a nice bloke) said:

"When we got put together as a group, we couldn't imagine ourselves coming to America, let alone releasing our album here, so for us to be sitting at the top of the US album charts is unbelievable. We are so grateful to everyone who has supported us in the US."

Next week, they'll be appearing at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards and performing on Saturday Night Live after that.

Their little lives are over as they know it. All we can do is await the inevitable coming out of one member (we're all looking at the same one, right?) and the 'drug hell' of another.

This is going to be gruesome.