Vincent Crabbe Jailed After Harry Potter Put A Rioting Spell On His Lardy Arse

Hogwarts bully, Vincent Crabbe, was found guilty of violent disorder at London's Wood Green Crown Court after he took part in the now annual event, The London Riots. He was seen 'swigging' from a stolen bottle of Champagne. Classy.

Crabbe was cleared of intending to destroy or damage property with a petrol bomb he was pictured holding. He was probably going to 'swig' that as well. Not so classy.

However, it is rumoured that Crabbe could well be innocent and, in fact, could've been under a spell cast by infamous wizard, Harry Potter.

Judge Simon Carr said:

"A considerable amount has been said about what happened over those few days. Anyone watching the footage in this case can only imagine the mayhem that took place on the streets. You chose to go out on to the streets on what was the third day of the violence."

"The footage shows you in the near vicinity of a Sainsbury's in Camden which was being looted. You were pictured on a number of occasions with a bottle full of petrol with a rag as a wick."

"I accept entirely the jury's verdict that you did not throw or have any intention of throwing it but merely being in possession of it would have been terrifying to anyone who saw you."

But was Crabbe under the spell of Potter & Co?

His lawyer, Emily Dummatt, said in mitigation that her client had become a "withered" by the age of 22.

Apparently, Crabbe – a notorious bully himself who is a pure blood dark wizard and son-of-a-death eater and someone who accidentally killed himself (thereby making his appearance in the London Riots all the more remarkable) – struggled at school and, in addition to the ability to cast dark spells, has three low-grade GCSEs, a qualification in painting and decorating and a penchant for smoking loads of weed.

The actor received a two year sentence for violent disorder and 12 months for handling stolen goods, to run concurrently.

Harry Potter was unavailable for comment, but a source close to the wizard said:

"Crabbe deserves everything his lardy arse gets. He made Harry's life a misery – as if he didn't have enough to deal with! The guy with no nose was desperately trying to kill him all the time, so Crabbe just made him more stressed and miserable. If Hazza did put a rioting spell on him, frankly, he deserved it."

Crabbe will now go to prison where he'll live in the lap of luxury, if you don't include the potential sexual abuse he'll suffer at the hands of inmates.