Hecklerscopes: Psychic Sally Pops In To Say Hello And Ends Up Doing A Poo

Did you all have an uneventful, but correctly predicted week? Obviously the ones who aren't replying must be dead, so we'll chalk that one up to us being absolute fantastic diviners and not because you're all stupid people who don't die when we tell you to.

Last week we had a visit from Psychic Sally, who in the hecklerspray bedsit we call 'Not So Psychic Sally' because we're total jokers, and think that she's got as much ability to tell the future as Tulisa does fellating young men. Sally wanted us to write a column for her in this week's Sun on Sunday about various things that are going to happen during the week.

At first, we were all for it, a writer can't live on Pot Noodle alone and the bedsit does need the rot looking at (we're not sure what's in the settee, but it's rotting the material now. And looks like it's breathing). But she said that she wanted to put her name on the top of the it. Imagine that! Psychic Sally phoning things in and not putting the effort in!

Eventually we told her to take her twee cord skirt and get the flume out. If we're going to entirely mislead someone's life and delude them into thinking that they are going to win some money because they were born on a random and arbitrary date, then we'll do it ourselves.

Plus the Psychic Sally brand it totally toxic right now. She went mental. Started putting curses on our houses, which was a bit too Shakespearean for our tastes. We asked her to leave and she did a massive poo on the living room carpet. It was crazytimes.com for sure. So here it is! The Hecklerscopes that Psychic Sally wanted to pass off as her own.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

This is going to be a good week for people who say that they're an Aries and thinks that this makes a difference. That bus careening down towards you with broken brakes will miss you completely and instead crash into a bakery. Free tiger bread. Thumbs up!

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)

There's a knock on your door on Thursday and it's a member of Girls Aloud. Which is terribly exciting. Who could it be? Sarah Harding wanting to snaffle the last of your Martini? Or Kimberley Roberts dying to try to convince you that she's actually alright with not being as successful as Cheryl Cole and can't wait to present the on location segments of this year's X Factor? Or Nicola Roberts wanting to borrow those magnets on your fridge? She has this amazing idea to make a hat out of plastic fruit. It's totally post modern, she'll say. Sadly, it's Nadine Coyle. Don't open it unless you want a van load of Insatiable promptly dropped in the atrium.

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)

You'll be led to believe that you can travel back in time to the council estates of the 1980s and take part in a episode of Grange Hill. Don't panic, just take some deep breaths and sit down. You've just carried away reading a copy of Grazia and their retro breakdown has left your head spinning. Todd Carty will never like you in that way. Zammo may. Row-Land.

Cancer (Jun 23 – Jul 23)

Isn't hindsight a brilliant thing? You can look back on better times and think "Yes, I did do the right thing by breaking that rabbit's neck when I hit in my car." Well this week the rabbit equivalent of Columbo makes a breakthrough and comes to arrest you. It's been nice knowing you (it hasn't. We're lying).

Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)

When people say that they can't read your poker face, they're not being nice. It's alright to cry at funerals. Friday at 2. Bring flowers.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)

The phrase 'Daddy Cool' takes on a whole new meaning this week as your Uncle gets an unfortunate visit from the police. Check that cuddly bear he got you for Christmas.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

Karen Carpenter comes back from the dead this week. Mainly to tell you that thing on your top lip isn't an endearing feature, and certainly isn't a feminist statement. It's a moustache, plain and simple. Also, she's heard good things about Nando's.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

No matter what La Roux tells you, you are not bulletproof. Keith Chegwin shows you that.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

It only takes a minute to fall in love, Take That told us. Remind yourself of that when Ann Widdicombe is seductively making pancakes in your towelling robe. You can do better than someone's angry gran. For that matter, how did she manage to get in your house? Check your locks.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

It's going to be a good week for Capricorns. Unemployment and cruelty around the World will disappear and peace around the World makes everyone smile forever. Ricky Gervais is still around though, so swings and roundabouts.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

Beyonce asks you to babysit on Saturday night as her and Jay-Z are going to the Working Men's Club for a night out. Do us all a favour and start calling Ivy Blue Sharon. There's not enough Sharons in the World and this could start a major trend the World over. And stop Beyoncay-Z sounding like complete pissmonkeys.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Have you made a Will already? Perhaps you should. We're not going to give away the salacious details, but you'll find it's not possible to eat one hundred boiled eggs. Terry Richardson comes and takes photo of your funeral. He asks your Mum to get her fanny out and she obliges. And then uses the money that she inherits to escape The Daily Mail's witch-hunt. Sorry.