Dancing On Ice: It’s All Over (And Nobody Cares)

Anyone remember how Torville and Dean got famous? Anyone? It's that Bolero thing, right? Oh, and everyone knows about it? And is that because ITV keep ramming it down our throats every single Dancing on Ice finale even though it was nearly 30 years ago? Yes? Thought so.

And this year's Dancing on Ice finale was no different. ITV didn't even give us a chance to think it might be, because they opened the show with two creepy opera singers doing Bolero whilst Torville and Dean launched their middle-aged bodies around a televised ice-rink trying to recreate something that happened before hecklerspray was even born.

Still, it wasn't all purple lycra and a desperate need to recreate the 80s. Although some of it was, like Jorgie's showcase dance. She pranced around the ice to Fame, and did lots and lots of tricky lifts and had a load of professional skaters doing the same thing as her, but slightly better than she'd just done it. She scored 29 out of 30, which looked really good.

Except that it clearly wasn't that good, because Matt managed to get an actual 30. Even though he was wearing the same suit as everyone else and was thus indistinguishable. Presumably that's why he scored the 30 though; they judges didn't realise they were actually watching someone else.

Chico, meanwhile, performed Happy Days on ice, but wasn't that happy thanks to some issues with the professional skaters who apparently kept distracting him and putting him off of his lifts. It sounded like he was whinging, but it turned out to just be an pre-emptive excuse, because he dropped his partner right on her arse.

Still, he took his chance to do a "never give up on your dream" speech. Which is nice. You hear that, kids? If you keep going one day you too could drop a professional skater on live TV.

Then it was time for each of the finalists to perform their favourite dance of the series. So Jorgie showed everyone her gusset a lot, and got full marks, because the judges seem to love her ladybits.

Not to be outdone, Chico got his man-baps out and did his topless routine, and also got 30. We have no idea how because it was VERY DISTURBING. And then Matt performed a routine hecklerspray didn't even remember.

Speaking of things hecklerspray doesn't remember, they then dug out all the old shit skaters who got booted off weeks ago.  And then they got rid of Chico, which was what everyone knew was going to happen all along.

And so it was back to the Torville and Dean adoration, as Jorgie and Matthew got to skate their own personal boleros. Not the actual bolero that Torville and Dean did, though. They're clearly too shit for that. Instead they just made up their own routines and skated around a bit. But they were wearing purple so that made it clearly the same as Torville and Dean.

It turned that Matthew was a bit better at doing a fake Bolero than Jorgie was, and so he won the rubbish ice trophy, bringing Dancing on Ice to a close for another year.

And so once again we live in a world in which celebrities don't bash themselves and others in the head with ice skates on a weekly basis. Unless something goes horribly wrong on The Voice, and someone decides to go after Jessie J. We can but hope.