Hidden away at the back of everyone's consciousness is the worry that they'll miss out on something important. It's a normal part of the human condition we're told and shouldn't feel too bad about getting onto buses that we don't need just because there are two people having an animated conversation about something and we want to be a part of it, even if it's just vicariously.
This is the same thing as what happens on Twitter most nights. People attempt to one up each other by tweeting the funniest thing that they can think of during a show. Sometimes it goes horribly wrong with comments that are verging on racism but would be alright during Allo Allo, whereas sometimes it can bring a programme to life.
Watching Eastenders, for example, can be a tedious task that only a hardened professional should attempt, but seeing people tweeting about McKlunkys or commenting on Shirley Carter's ever receding skirt hem can really bring a new facet to a normally boring show.
Clearly this is one of the beauties of Twitter. Having to cram a witty epithet into 140 characters can make a man, or send him into a spiral of despair and despondence that only Anneka Rice could bring him out of with a smart yellow boiler suit.
But calm yourselves, because we at hecklerspray are dedicated to our readers.
We want you to be prepared for what people will be talking about on Twitter so you can create some catchy tweets ahead of time and maybe impress a girl enough to go on a date or two and maybe take some of your seed.
Saturday
The Voice/Britain's Got Talent/Harry Hill's TV Burp
It isn't very often that we get treated to a whole night's of fantastic TV in one go, so consider yourselves royalty as we have the start of new series of BBC's The Voice and ITV's Britain's Got Talent, as well as the final episode of Harry Hill's TV Burp. It's just a shame that channel execs decided that it was a brilliant idea to schedule them all so they can clash with each other and they can score points against one another at the expense of our entertainment. Quite a dickish move, you'll agree. Does anyone who works all week and have to suffer with mediocre crime dramas really care whether The X Factor was beaten by Strictly Come Dancing in the ratings? Of course not. By Monday morning we're all suffering hangovers that likely make us want to tear our eyes out of our skulls so we have something to throw at the list of work that has been left for us.
That said, The Voice is set to be one of the watermarks of BBC's Summer schedule, and is the first proper salvo of actual threatening reality TV against ITV's iron grip on music shows. Fame Academy was alright, but Patrick Kielty was involved and he's like Manthrax. With some of the biggest names in music, with Will. I. Am, Jessie J and Him From The Script tagging along for the pay cheques, it could be an exercise in futility or the next big Twitter outrage. Either way, it's going to be must watch TV.
Britain's Got Talent however is set to be just the same as ever. Simon Cowell trying to privatise the general public. We'd be more annoyed if we weren't so impressed by his moxy. Yes, moxy.
Sunday
Sunday Brunch, Channel 4, 10:00am (and in your nightmares)
When Something For The Weekend was cancelled, we must admit we were thrilled. Thrilled because we wouldn't have to see Tim Lovejoy's swollen grin and listen to anymore of his 'total bants' about football and his celebrity friends that no-one cares about. Thrilled that we didn't have to see Louise Redknapp swim against the tide of misogyny and incompetence. Thrilled that Simon Rimmer could go off and do something better things; some better named things. Maybe something to do with Rimmer? We're only ideas people here, you fill in the blanks.
But then some hapless sack of wasted sperm at Channel 4 thought 'Durr, I know what we need to make our channel be the worst channel in the listings. We need his total bants and dickish attitude to women.' And basically took Simon Rimmer and Tim Lovejoy to their new home with whatever demand they made presumably. Expect a cast made up of all men, laughing about women's vaginas and football. It's going to be awful people. Absolutely awful. If there was one redeeming feature about Sunday Brunch it would be that on this week's show Stacey Solomon is showing up to show us that sometimes there are people that are worse than Tim Lovejoy, and those people are mothers who have such a low regard for the health of their unborn child that they smoke during pregnancy. The silly sausages.
Monday
One Night, BBC One, 10:35pm
If, like us, you like your TV to be as harrowing and mind warping as possible, then One Night is the series for you. Set across five consecutive (that's after one another) nights it views one night through five different perspectives. Sounds BRILLIANT doesn't it? The first night follows Ted. Ted's a very paranoid man who doesn't really enjoy his life. So what do you do when you don't enjoy your life? Throw a barbecue for your boss. Of course! That's the sanest thing you could ever do. But before it descends into Flintstones-esque madness with Mr Rockford storming off on his Brontosaurus, something worse happens. Ted's barbecue becomes to pitch for a low level gang war.
It just sounds BRILLIANT.
Tuesday
The Syndicate, BBC One, 9pm
If Mad Men (Sky Atlantic, 9pm) leaves you feeling as cold as Don Draper's attitude to women, then The Syndicate will probably fill the hour before you down some whisky and shuffle off to bed. Written by Professional Voice Of The People Kay Mellor, this is the story of what happens when five people who work in a supermarket win £18million on the lottery. Seems like a ropey concept so far doesn't it? Why would you tune in to something which doesn't seem that captivating? Well, Mellor has a way of getting you to empathise with the characters even though they could be absolute dungholes. Where would be without Band Of Gold, or Fat Friends? Well, minus James Corden with the latter. Without doubt Mellor is one of the best writers that has come from the UK for years, and her writing always hits an undercurrent of British life not many others can harness. Whether this is going to strike lightning or be pelted with poo we'll have to see. It does have Joanna Page in it.
Wednesday
Facejacker, Channel 4, 10:55pm
This one is a bit of a cheat, but that's alright because Wednesday TV is so drastically terrible that we've resorted to watching a repeat of something which was on the night before. That being Kayvan Novak's newest addition to the 'Jacker universe. If you've seen Phonejacker or the first series of Facejacker then you'll know what you're getting. If you don't, we'll put it simply: if Jeremy Beadle was alive then he would be suing Kayvan Novak for clearly ripping off Beadle's About. Expect bad language and a more adult approach to the tried and tested hidden camera show.
Thursday
Mary's Bottom Line, Channel 4, 9:00pm
It's unfair to claim that Mary Portas picks and chooses her pet projects into situations that she can only make money with, and those that she can't. Yes, she's revolutionised charity work and used her own Yellow Door company to cream consultation fees from. And yes, she's made money from reinvigorating failing businesses by making them all look like Apple Stores. And of course, she's hoping to revitalise a failing market for British manufacturing by setting up her own business and making knickers that she can then sell to companies like Liberty and ASOS for a profit. It may seem that she only looks out for her own business interests ahead of those that she is working with, but is that really a bad thing?
Before we descend into a spell of Tory madness and tell you all that poor people should be paying more tax than the rich because they have koi carp to feed gold, we'll tell you what's going to happen in the final episode of the series. Production is in full swing and Liberty has agreed to stock Kinky Knickers but what's the worst thing that can happen with a tightly organised production line? One of the suppliers going bankrupt of course. How will affect Mary's plan for arse domination? Well, probably not that much because if you happen to follow Mary Portas on Twitter you'll know that the knickers have been distributed to stores and are selling rather well. Good for her.
Friday
TwentyTwelve, BBC 2, 10:00pm
Unless you've been living under Cheryl Fergison for the past eighteen months or so you'll know that the Olympics are almost upon us, and with the sudden influx of people comes the rise in crime and illness, but also, the rise in the funny. Courtesy of the the Winner of My Prostitute Weekly's Man Of The Year, Huge Bonneville, Jessica Hynes and Olivia Colman. Set in an office that is organising the Olympic opening ceremony, Twenty Twelve is poking fun at the bureaucracy and farcical events that can surround a massive major event. Tonight, the Algerian team threaten to boycott the Games and it's up to the team to sort it all out and wrap it up in a nice tight bow.
And that, as they say, is that. We've laid out what you should and shouldn't be watching this week. Disagree with us? We don't really care, but why not waste your time by telling us below why we're wrong. Again, we don't care.
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