Charlie Brooker Is Having A Baby… HOW DARE HE BE HAPPY?!

People are really, very very stupid. They've always fallen for the oldest trick in the book and, wanting to eschew the popular kids and good-looking folk, they've adored those who trade in false-modesty. The 'I'm crap like you too!' brigade.

Then, best of all, when the facade slips, the falsely modest get a hot girlfriend and have the temerity to be happy and in love. This sends fans into a jealous slump, picking holes in the work of their former fave. They've changed! They're not as funny as they used to be! How dare they hang around with celebrities!

In other news, Charlie Brooker is about to become a father to a shrieking baby with Konnie Huq who he loves more than all of you goons put together. Awww!

That's right. Your daydreams of being able to prise Brooker away from Konnie Huq (you want to steal him because you 'understand' him more than a Blue Peter presenter could, right? You get him don't you? Not like the rest. You properly, properly get him) are currently being defecated on as she harvests his child inside her.

That's right! Charlie Brooker, the person you thought lived in perpetual darkness before his television, unhappy and distrusting of the world is actually a man who has a woman he loves, a very healthy bank balance, a man who enjoys running (he even wrote about how much he likes to keep fit!), a man who bought a Mac after saying he hated them, a man SETTLING DOWN WITH A CHILD?!

HOW DARE HE!

Next you'll be finding out that, long before you started your inner backlash, Charlie Brooker isn't nearly as awkward as his comedic persona! What? He met Chris Morris at a dinner party… eating sushi… surrounded by other celebrities… which saw Nathan Barley hitting our screens? THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! WE LIKED HIM THEN! NO! HE DIDN'T! HE WAS AT HOME… ALONE… LIKE ME… ON THE INTERNET… CRYING.

Nope. Konnie will be having a baby in Easter apparently and her agent, Jonathan Shalit says:

"Konnie is telling friends how happy she and Charlie are."

This must be awful for you. Simply awful. Just think of it. That bloke you're really fond of has gone and betrayed you by becoming fulfilled and contented.

Terrible. At least we've still got David Mitchell who totally isn't happily in a relationship with Victoria Coren, eh?