Readers’ Letters: “The Ballad Of Rough Lesbian Sex” Or “How To Deal With A Slow Week”

You're stunningly dull sometimes, readers.

We toil away, day after day writing some of the most libellous nonsense on the internet and all you have to say is "Ha." or "Good work." or maybe the occasional, "Yes, I agree with your pathological dislike of digestive biscuits".

This week has seen our foetid pouch of correspondence whimper under the sheer weight of your tiresome opinions. Not once did we read something that truly shocked us and not once did we cry out with joy at someone's obsessive missive. That being said, we have to make a feature out of it so here's us over-reacting to your comments.

First up is amateur astronomer Aaron Stoll who believes that Selena Gomez is actually a spacial phenomenon, despite her just being a victim of Justin Bieber's philandering:

Justin Bieber is so not cheating on my 1# Star Selena Gomez. Stop cussing at Justin Bieber it is a rumor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what they say, there's no smoke without fire. Not that we're directly stating that Justin Bieber has ever cheated on Selena Gomez. All we're saying is that he locked himself in his dressing room with twenty groupies and six bottles of rum the other night. What do you think happened?

Perhaps he instigated something along the lines of this comment from Bethany who seems to believe that hecklerspray is a Craigslist of steamy sex:

Yes!!! Let's have rough lesbian sex and everyone and anyone can join in excluding boys  need pussy now!! Anyone want to meet up? Xxxxxxxxx

What?! No boys allowed?! How sexis- oh, right. Gotcha.

Of course if all this suggestion of rough lesbian sex isn't enough to get you going then why not try the mass delusions of Twilight fans. They honestly believe that because a thing is popular, it is good. Regardless of all the evidence to the contrary. Like the books. And the films. And all the actors that were in the films. And the fans. And Sandra who sent us this comment:

There should be more books. More movies. I believe when you (or anyone) says the books and movies are no good, well, how many people have read them and seen the movie. I visited Italy and Spain and the books were everywhere! This series is popular all over. It is entertaining for both teens and adults.

A perfectly valid observation you may think but how many people have read the books, closed the books at the end and ritualistically burned them in order to purge Stephanie Meyer's stilted prose from their memory? How many people have gone on to use Twilight DVDs as coasters or clay pigeons? How many people have used the broken shards of the disc to self-harm as a direct result of having watched them? Come back when you've taken that into consideration.

You might think us unreasonable. People often do. Like @ilubreezy07 on twitter who (surprisingly) loves Breezy. Don't know who Breezy is? Why, it's Chris Brown of course! This week, we had a dig at his fans or "#TeamBreezy" as they refer to themselves.

 @hecklerspray not really lol, just thought "apologist cult of Domestic Abuse sympathisizers" was a bit much..

Is it though? Is it really? Harking back to the Grammys there were tweets flying around under this hashtag of Chris Brown fans saying things like, "I'd let Chris Brown beat me up, he's so hot" or "Fuck the haterz, everyone makes mistakes" and all that APOLOGIST BULLSHIT that #TeamBreezy, the apologist cult of Domestic Abuse sympathisers near-constantly spout.

Although we are big enough to admit that not everyone is necessarily the same. Take Americans for example. Some of them are really, really criminally stupid. Just look at Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum who has a name like a vitamin supplement aimed at dying pensioners and a policy on contraception that only a particularly idiotic Neanderthal could agree with: he's pretty stupid. Still, they're not all bad. What about Nancy Zen who emailed us this week to sycophantically stroke our collective ego:

I live in a cultural and intellectual waste land otherwise known as "the States". I fell in love with the comedy of Ricky Gervias and then Russell Brand.  I thought not all British could possibly have a such wicked sense of humor, then i read hecklerspray -Brilliant! I can only say one thing"Why do the British always do it better?" P.S. just finished reading the plays of Oscar Wilde   LOL at the Importance of Being Earnst "

It was all going so well too. Still! Onwards and upwards because we've saved the best for last. The king of Rock n' Roll Elvis Presley himself got in touch with us this week to give us his opinion on our list of the world's sexiest newscasters!

i would love too sex with all these reporters at the same

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Until next week, you stuffed shirts.