Soap Spoilers! Murder! Infertility! Jeremy Kyle?

Hello maniacs. Yes, another week has dragged past and here we are again, drugged up to the eyeballs and ready to bring you news from Soapland before it actually happens, hopefully ruining your week before it even begins.

Last week we told you that Heather from Eastenders was going to die and this didn't happen unfortunately, proving that our sources are either stinking liars or that the BBC decided to drag it out a bit longer. Either way, our 'Burn in Hell Heather!' street party on Friday was a tad premature. Still, we've kept the bunting for this week, when she is DEFINITELY going to meet the big magic fairy in the sky and we can start drinking again.

Let's do this you miserable monkeys.

This week we'll head to Coronation Street first where the funeral of murdered Frank is held and his killer is finally revealed! How exciting. Feel free to replace the word 'exciting' with 'meh.' We don't know who it is, but a quick poll in the bedsit indicates that no-one gives a hoot anyway as it's not real. Sally is next in line to be clobbered by the mysterious murderer but we doubt she'll die as that would be too brilliant.

Elsewhere Sunita and Dev are fighting over Amber who's being a rowdy little shit and Karl is a great big gambling man. Sunita decides that kissing him is an excellent idea  before getting arrested for being drunk and in charge of a script.

Next, it's Eastenders time where Heather definitely and absolutely dies this week at the hands of that rotter Ben Mitchell. Convinced that Heather grassed him up to DCI Marsden, he batters her with a picture frame across the side of the head, causing her to fall and whack the other side of her large heid on the kitchen worktop. Jay is there to witness the whole thing which will take his mind off the fact his girlfriend won't shag him for at least 5 mins. Luckily, Phil Mitchell gets released from prison just in time to arrange a cover-up for the whole thing and make it look like a burglary, rather than the act of a tap dancing teenager who likes to bake.

The rest of the week involves Shirley crying, Andrew crying, Patrick taking his hat on and off at appropriate times and probably a song and dance number from baby George who'll now, no doubt grow up to be a wrong 'un like the Artful Dodger. Blimey.

Finally, we side step left and reach Neighbours where we get to kill everyone off week after week. Kate has a dilemma when she finds out that her little sister Sophie will be taken into care if she doesn't come home from her travels, which will mean giving up being dirty with her new boyfriend Dominic and that's just harsh. Sophie then bolts when she believes Kate has chosen shagging over sibling love but she's a terrible hider and is found in Rani's bedroom in 3 minutes flat.  It other news, it seems that Toadie's disgusting testicles are producing useless sperm which is why Sonya can't get knocked up but before she can be annoyingly supportive, a giant fireball hits Erinsbourgh and everyone is burned to death. Twice.

Hooray for that then. Time to watch a really bizarre episode of  Jeremy Kyle which feature Corrie characters pretending to be guests and the whole embarrassing thing makes us wish we were dead.