Top 10 Instructional Training Raps

Bless the dung-minded simpletons who look at hip hop and think, "Ah! That looks easy! Its just talking over a hip hop beat! What idiot couldn't do that? I talk all the time! I was pretty good at thinking of words that rhyme too!"

Some of these people often take this very silly notion and apply it to learning. "Kids love rap! I need them to learn! Rapping? Learning? INSTRUCTIONAL RAP! It's a schooling miracle!"

And so, throughout the 80s (and regrettably beyond), there has been a spate of instructional rap videos, designed to be 'educational' and 'fun', usually falling way short of both marks. Sadly for them, they didn't realise that rapping is one of the most insanely difficult things to do. Mercifully for this post, this didn't stop them. So welcome to a world of rap-audits, fried chicken flexidiscs and martial arts rhymes (and not in a Wu Tang way).

While 'corporate rap' is a thing these days (basically as a slur toward greedy rappers), once upon a time, it was very much a faddish, brave new world for those wanting to impart some really, really boring wisdom.

Many are undercut with a wink and a nod, saying "We know we suck, that's why this sucks! Har de har har!" but that shouldn't let them off the hook.

No chance.

Fact is, this is a showcase of people thinking rapping is easy and rap handing them their asses back to them in an incredibly tall hat. Whether they were being intentionally funny or not, we should mock these bozos for having the temerity to take on hip hop like its some kind of joke.

Or something.

Karate Rap

Wanna learn about how hard someone is? Listen to hip hop. But how about two people with dreadful mullets slowly rapping in their pyjamas? This instructional karate rap is just the thing you've been after!

Nando's Training Rap

If you can watch this Melinda Messenger, Chris Fountain and Goldie (yes, THAT Goldie) starring promotional rap for the world's worst eaterie all the way through, then Well Hung Jesus, you're bigger and braver than us. This is potentially the worst thing human kind have ever, ever done.

Bus Maintenance Training Rap

Rapping. Buses. This is gold, obviously.

Burger training rap

If you've ever had a Wendy Burger, you'll probably be salivating down your front right now. PLEASE OPEN THEM ALL OVER THE UK, THANKS. Anyway, once upon a time, Wendy's staff were trained with instructional rap. There's something vaguely cute about this video… but it never gravitates toward 'good' or 'tasteful'.

KFC Rap

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, there's no video for this amazing 1987 KFC flexidisc which goes by the name of Colonel and the Gang, which is their attempt at making a rap track about Chicken Littles and Shoestring Fries. The employees of this establishment must've soiled themselves on first listen, especially when the 'Colonel' raps about a "golden shower" around the minute mark.

Listen here

Diabetes Rap

Diabetes. Now there's an excellent thing to spit vicious about!

Real Estate Rap

Real estate was always going to get itself a humorous rap parody at some point wasn't it?

School Band Rap

Now then, here's a thing: The people who are the most musical show their deep and profound lack of understanding of what makes a rap record work in this awful, awful video. Right here, we have the absolute and underlining case for why orchestral and classical musicians are gaspingly irrelevant in 2012. Apart from those guys that are okay and like loads of different types of music.

Accountancy Rap

We all know that hip hop is obsessed with number-crunching and money, so this accountancy rap will be just the job for many an aspiring rapper, right?

Auditing Rap

But why stop at accountancy when there's auditing too? We all need to know about auditing right? Where would we be without a nice audit going down? The GZA, Dre and Dilla really missed a trick when overlooking the nuts-and-bolts of finance as a theme for LPs.

Got any favourites of your own you want to share with us?