Trailer Park: Fighting Old Men And A Lot Of Screaming

We are pleased, delighted, and completely over-excited to inform you all that the popular director Michael Bay will be getting some money from a film studio to make a film called Ouija. Yes, it's had a massive budget cut which means that the even more popular director McG probably won't be directing it anymore, but fear not guys where's there's a will, there's a Bay (see what we did there?)

We can't show you a trailer because it's not got that far yet, sadly, but just imagine people sitting in a dark room on the floor moving their hands, while pretending not to, around a wooden board. AOK.

Now, down to business, films, trailers, film trailers, they're all over the place and one film gets like three trailers sometimes; talk about overkill. Those slick Hollywood suits know how you think though. They're phone hacking your brain with technology far more sophisticated than we care to disclose at this time and they know you like the trailers.

Sometimes we pay money to watch bad films just to see the trailers for the other bad films on the big screen, it's a vicious cycle. If you hate the trailers then stop reading this you snivelling prick, and get yourself to the IMax where they have no trailers.

So what's cracking this week in the trailer park?

Well, look no further than immediately below for the latest flick from fan boy Joss Whedon to FINALLY come to our screens.

We've been waiting about 8000 years for it to get out of production hell and now it has you can watch about 4 slightly different trailers for the horror-sci-fi genre piece.

Okay, so they've marketed it for the kind of 'jocks' that go to 'keggers' and such, but it has the raunchy nu-metal soundtrack and some fine B-Movie dialogue. Count us in.

You know sometimes you just want to like a film so much that it's impossible for it to be bad, obviously all those films star Danny Trejo just like this one.

So it's called Bad Ass which sounds like Kick-Ass and it all kicks off, literally, based on a Youtube video just like in that film Kick-Ass, but it's definitely not going to be anything like Kick-Ass. Probably. If you were thinking that Danny Trejo didn't have enough weight to star in a film alone then hold your bloody premature horses because Ron Perlman is also in this playing a caricature of the white Danny Trejo (himself) for a nice change.

It's about an OAP that goes a bit mental and starts nutting people on the bus which is exactly where Harry Brown went wrong. It'll be excellent.

Since John Carter Of Mars is coming out really soon and everyone's been talking about it we're going to conform and finally watch the trailer because we have no bloody clue what it's about other than a man presumably named John Carter who is at some point on the planet known as Mars. Splendid. Let's have a look shall we?

Right, so that cleared things up. When we say 'cleared things up' what we mean is, we now know even less than we did before, because that quite clearly involves the planet earth and people other than Mr Carter. It looks a bit like popular blood-bath 300 and, you know, all those other films set in those times. Except the main difference here is that the lead actor is Hercules from the popular TV show Hercules.

The movies are a very personal thing for many of you, you all have different tastes and opinions, but one thing we can all agree on is that John Cusack is the greatest actor of them all – if you disagree then get out, we don't want your sort here [bye then - Ed.]. He has a new film hitting our shores this Friday and in that film he plays Edgar Allen Poe so we're preparing ourselves for the dream boat.

That there is the third trailer which differs in no way from the first trailer, but somehow gives less away. The costumes look wonderful; we all like black. The idea while unfathomable is fairly interesting—it's about the last week of Poe's life whereby a serial killer imitates his work, but then you probably got all that from the trailer if you're not an invalid. Basically watch it, preferably drunk and gothed up.

John we love you.