WATCH THIS! We Won’t Phone It In Like This Lot Clearly Have.

What an exciting week, eh? Have you had a good one? We'd like to say that we have, but that would be a massive lie. A lie as massive as saying that exercise and an healthy diet is the best way to lose weight. Or that Michelle McManus was the best person to win that series of Pop Idol. She clearly was, but only because everyone else was so bad that it made her look fantastic. Like the relationship between World and Kerry Katona.

The biggest lie that we've found out this week is that apparently controllers for the five terrestrial channels feel like they don't need to bother putting on enticing and great programming on and are settled to the fact that whatever they do decide to commission is, in fact, distinctly mediocre and hopes to fill in the gaping hours from one working day to the next with watered down scandal and froth where it could be filled with something that people would be excited to see and talk about the next day.

It's laziness that can't be countered because for every one program that is cancelled, there's hundreds of people clamouring for it to return; just like the "furore" over the BBC canceling Something For The Weekend. It's clearly one of the worst things on the TV but people still want to show their support for it, even though Tim Lovejoy would take your letters of support, wipe his bum with them and then smile knowing that he can do this without recrimination. He's just "that good."

So here's the best of a very bad bunch for this week. Everyone involved should buck their ideas up and feel very sorry for themselves. TV is very important. How else would we learn how to look like David Bowie if Linda Henry wasn't doing such a great job as Shirley on Eastenders?

Saturday

I'm In A Girl Group, Saturday, BBC2, 9:20pm

If you managed to catch last week's edition of I'm In A… that centered on Boy Bands, then you'll pretty much know what is going to come up here, but that isn't to say that it's not going to be fantastic. We all knew what was going to happen at The Brits last week, but was it any less of an infuriating snorefest? Of course not. There's some things that can't be fought and Ed Sheeran being an ungrateful ginger nomark is one of them.

This week we have a lovely look at the history of the Girl Group, from the beehived past of The Supremes all the way up to that Union Jack dress, via Bananarama and The Bangles. This is going to be the highlight of your weekend without a shadow of a doubt, so why not do everyone a favourite and mark 9:20 BBC2 on everyone's diaries in the office? You know it makes sense.

Sunday

Upstairs Downstairs, BBC1, 9:00pm

Yet again television has failed us on Sunday and fell into the formulaic Dancing On Ice and Upstairs Downstairs layout. When are we, the tax paying public who actually pay a TV license going to get what we want? That being a period drama that reflects the actual worries of the period, not some romanticized nonsense about the run up to World War II?

Well it looks like this week in Upstairs Downton Abbey there's a lovely bit of controversy hitting the overprivileged scroungers because there's a novel published on England's stoic pastures that details the sordid shenanigans of Alex Kingston's Blanche. Turns out she might be a bit of a lesbian. And is who is revealing her sexy past? Only her ex-lover Emilia Fox.

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Monday

Coronation Street, ITV1, 7:30 and 8:30pm

It's time for a massive kick off on the cobbles so prepare your gin and Maltesers everyone. Frank Foster, the dirty rapist, allegedly, is about to get his comeuppance, skull cracking style. So expect lots of characters to have an argument with Frank, or look really shifty in the run up to Sally finding Frank's body crumpled on the floor with blood on her hands, in true soap style.

It isn't as easy as Sally doing the bludgeoning though because there's more than one Manchesterford murderer on the prowl. It could be Carla Connor, Frank's victim, Peter Barlow, Carla's sex partner, Michelle Connor, dead wood, and Kevin Webster. But we've heard on good authority that it's none of these. Remember how Betty had a secret? Well…

Tuesday

Alex Polizzi: The Fixer, BBC2, 8:00pm

If you haven't been watching The Fixer and just thought that Alex Polizzi was just a Mary Portas-lite clone, then get prepared to eat a whole massive slice of humble pie (suitable for vegetarians, may contain nuts). However brash and brazen Portas was as she grabbed bakeries and shops up and down the country and shook them for all they're worth, she's lost her way recently and using her formidable skills on charity shops is a wasted opportunity. Polizzi takes up her baton and runs with it, not only reinvigorating businesses but also taking a pop at families while she's at it.

In the final episode of this series Polizzi takes her fancy red car to a working windmill. Big whoop, right? Where's the drama? Well, although the staff are passionate about flour *Harry Hill style look to camera* they have the business sense of an unleavened dough and have to be kneaded into shape.

Wednesday

Gok Wan: Made In China, Channel 4, 8:00pm

We don't really like Gok Wan in the hecklerspray hovel. His masquerading of female empowerment as cinching in a waist with a thick belt and using a DVF wrap over dress has grown beyond irritating and he should probably step aside and let someone else have a pop at it. But not Alexa Chung. NEVER Alexa Chung.

Instead of harassing lady parts, Gok is off to China to investigate how the country can make such a high volume of clothes for such a little price. Despite everyone knowing that the wages are less than someone on WorkFare would get and the hours are so long that a lot of the time that workers only get four hours sleep. Expect an indepth look at a thriving, yet moral bankrupt industry (read: Gok blathering on about how he's from China and how he feels about such things happening, despite having a range in Sainsburys that probably source things from China. The filthy hypocrite.)

Thursday

The Sarah Millican Television Programme, BBC2, 10:00pm

Although Sarah Millican might be relatively new on the comedy circuit, compared to people like Jo Brand, she's almost eclipsed everyone else's efforts, with her DVD selling a stupid amount of copies last Christmas and everything she talks about cake to, turning to gold. So it's not really a massive surprise that she would be given her own show eventually. But this is where the first problem hits us.

Anyone who's seen Chatterbox Live will know that the persona that Millican presents on prime time TV is nothing compared to the foul mouthed slovenly woman who she actually is, but obviously the advert for it can't replicate whether this is going to be filth or more jokes about really liking cake or having to go to a garage and not really knowing what's going on. We probably won't mind either to be quite honest, although we would prefer to see some more filth that we couldn't watch with our parents if we had the choice.

Friday

The Secret Policeman's Ball, Channel 4, 10:00pm

Why not finish off the week with a massive slice of comedy care of Russell Bran- er, Jimmy Car- oh, Sarah Silverman? All three are going to appear on this year's Secret Policeman's Ball, as well as 'The New Michael McIntyre' Micky Flanagan, Jack Whitehall and Kristen Wiig. And David Walliams saying something camp and then people laughing. Although SPB has been going since 1976, this is only the eleventh show, and this is the first to cross the Atlantic. Which may explain the abundance of American stars that are appearing. Not that we're saying that SPB is British through and through, like Greggs, or getting outraged about the slightest things, Americans have often featured. It just seems a little unnecessary.

Secret Policeman's Ball is raising money for Amnesty International again, with Coldplay and Mumford and Sons playing between sketches and skits. But you can probably watch something else while they're on. Otherwise you might need Amnesty International's help yourself. And we wouldn't want that now would we?

So that's that. Not a totally fantastic example of TV programming is it? Even with an addition of a Sarah Millican and Girl Groups, it still doesn't really scream "Watch Me!" Which is a massive shame. Let's see if it's any better next week. See you then Rat Fans!