He's littered film, blighted television, ruined Demi Moore's life and now Ashton Kutcher is ready to spoil the impossible, empty beauty of space by flying there in a special space-plane. What a berk.
The Two and a Half Men star has officially signed up to go into space with Virgin Galactic's billionaire founder, Richard Branson.
It is thought that Branson secretly plans to eject Kutcher into the deep, dark void and watch him explode among the hanging orbs, waiting for Alien to come and stick its tail straight through his massive neck. Stephen Hawking will watch from a circling 'spectator drone'.
Covering his tracks, Branson said in a blog:
"I gave Ashton a quick call to congratulate and welcome him. He is as thrilled as we are at the prospect of being among the first to cross the final frontier (and back!) with us and to experience the magic of space for himself."
Kutcher is paying $200,000 for the ride on Virgin Galactic's SpaceShipTwo plane (also known as the VSS Enterprise) and he could well be joined by Katy Perry, Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks and Angelina Jolie.
All celebrities pay for their tickets, with the exception of Stephen Hawking, because he's cool.
Just imagine if something awful happens to the plane with such impressively famous cargo! Wouldn't that be something? Future generations will ask: 'Where we you when half of Hollywood died in space, televised?'
There is no launch date as yet, but the SpaceShipTwo is reportedly going to be ready for test flights sometime later this year.
Predatory alien brethen, it is time to start sharpening your teeth and practising your hostile attack moves because Richard Branson is bringing the most famous tube of sausage meat your way!
Next week: Kent Brockman welcomes our new ant leaders
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