Michael Bay To Spoil Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles For Everyone

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half shell, turtle power. Or, indeed, Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles if you lived in a country so lame that they were frightened of a word.

Anyway, the Turtles are coming back under the teenage boybrain of Michael Bay. April O'Neill is going to be a teen wank fantasy isn't she? A Shredder will probably have giant robot wang.

And Bay has already upset everyone by hinting at what he's going to change in the story. It includes the word 'alien'.

Michael Bay said:

"When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable."

Alien race? Not mutants at all then, right? Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles doesn't read right. Anyway, since everyone kicked up a giant stink, he's responded.

"Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world."

Paramount Pictures is planning a December 25, 2013 release date for the film.

Michael Bay, meanwhile, is probably looking at his own childhood and wondering what else he can make a movie with.

We suggest Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors or Kissyfur… and if he goes ANYWHERE NEAR Ulysses 31 or Mysterious Cities of Gold, we will hunt him down and kill him 'til he's dead.