Hecklerscopes: 13 March 2012

Isn't it funny when people hold the strangest things as a bastion of superstition? Like rabbit's feet, for instance. Who carries around the severed paw of a dead animal as a sign of good luck? It clearly hasn't done the rabbit any good, and he had four. Or she. We don't discriminate here at hecklerspray. We have an equal level of dismay for all colours, genders and sexualities. You all are generally awful.

Like walking under ladders as well. That's only good luck because you're actively removing yourself from positions of danger. In that vein, we might as well say, not crossing rail lines is good luck. Or making sure you don't lick plugs is good luck. Or never wearing a foot cast on in front of Jessie J is good luck. Because once she gets talking about that bloody injury she forgets when to stop.

There is no such thing as luck; the only thing that is a certainty in life are our Hecklerscopes. Divined by hipster's favourite tea and swirled in a Cath Kidston mug to unlock the mystery of the afterlife, currentlife and soontobelife, this is the only way that you can definitely find out what is going to happen in the next week. Trust us, you'll be surprised by the things we've seen. Here's one for free: The Voice? Not going to be that popular.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

So let us get this straight, your brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime, your sister had another one, she paid it for a lime. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up? She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up, and said "Doctor, ain't there nothing I can take," you said "Doctor, to relive this belly ache?" You said, "Doctor, doctor is there nothing I can take," You said "Doctor Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?"

Yeah, she'll be dead in a week.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)

Kylie Minogue comes to stay for the week, so take that as you will. If you're lucky, she'll be early 90s Kylie with all the Hutchence angst therein. If you don't have that Kylie, chances are you'll want to plug your ears with whatever soft materials you can, because although 'Better The Devil You Know' is a good song, you don't want to hear it during Masterchef. We wouldn't like to cast aspersions here at hecklerspray but that's probably why Michael did himself in.

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)

You're on the top of the World, looking down on creation, but the only explanation you can find is that you've taken far too much MDMA and are tripping balls quite badly. Go for a lie down and drink lots of water. Sometimes you're such a mess. We don't know why we bother with you. Or yeah, Orange Wednesdays.

Cancer (Jun 23 – Jul 23)

Your life this week will start to mirror the life of Pat Butcher. First you'll fall into a life of prostitution then marry a seedy car dealer. On Wednesday you'll knock a girl over in your car and go to prison. You'll get out and start Pat Cabs. It'll go bankrupt on Thursday. We won't fill in the gaps because that's half the fun, but by Sunday night you'll have Michael French shouting at you about being a prostitute. But Nick Berry will visit your grave so it all comes up trumps.

Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)

If you're thinking of taking a girl out on Monday, taking her for a drink on Tuesday, making love on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday and then finally chilling on Sunday, don't. She has a vagina which hangs down low. She can tie in a bow. It's not worth the hassle. Why not go and read a book? We hear Alex James has a new one out.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)

Take 50, multiply is by 1,000, add 3780.08. Then multiply that by 50. Add 25 million and finally multiply that by 2. That's what you'll be by the end of the week.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

You'll find that floral three quarter length trousers aren't really your thing this week. We'd urge you to reconsider. When that bus hits you, they'll be the only thing that can help identify your corpse.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

People who are born under Scorpio can be inwardly reflective and introverted. So try not to bury your head in the sand too much this week. There's lots going on in the big wide World. The Olympics are staring us in the face just like Myra Hindley and you just know that when they start they're going to be a massive barrel of laughs. Also you get sand everywhere and its a murder getting them out.

Sagittarius ( Nov 23 – Dec 21)

Adrian Edmondson pops in for a coffee on Tuesday and doesn't leave until November. He frequently leaves the house to fellate members of the Countryside Alliance. This is your opportunity to dust your knick knacks and curios. He's a stickler with his asthma.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

Goats tend to be cold and uninviting in conversation, and play up to their stubborn reputation whenever they can. Which is lucky for you because you're not a goat, but you're as a person. Don't be stubborn with people, make yourself into the human doormat. Revel when people whip shit on your face.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

There are worse things in life that what happens to you this week, so count yourself lucky that medicine has advanced so much in burns treatment. Look at Katie Piper. It was the best thing that happened to her!

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Whats more formidable than a Pisces at their full potential? Probably everything this week. It's time to invest in an outdoors slanket and a pair of slippers that can masquerade as ballet pumps. Try not to take everything that people say to heart, although it is all true and based on actual things that you've done in the past.