Jason Donovan Gets TV Work: A Guide To Donovitis

It's time to invest heavily in padded panty liners and cod liver oil tablets because Jason Donovan has just been announced as one of the new judges set to fill Andrew Lloyd Webber's new talent search show. Tentatively entitled Superstar because it looks for the leads in Lloyd Webber's newest obsession; trying to make money from Jesus.

As if Easter wasn't enough.

Donovan is the housewife's favourite with a career heavily reliant on his good looks and charming, inoffensive words, churning out album after album of mediocre covers and books to satiate the hidden desires of women who regret their decision to marry your father and want to run away and live on Ramsay Street with Donovan and Craig McLachlan and Harold Bishop.

Obviously this is never going to happen, housewives don't have enough access to cocaine for a start, so he appears on every tiny morsel of TV friendly television for your mum's kicks. Alan Titchmarsh stuck for a guest? Get on Donovan. Kerry Katona gone on another horse tranquilizer binge and can't talk about Dancing On Ice? Get Donovan. He can do anything his agent sets his mind on.

Donovan isn't a stranger to the stage. He's made a bit of a habit of popping on a loin cloth. And that was even before he was picked to be in Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat.

But what do you do if you're mother/grandmother succumbs to his cheeky winks and amiable nature? Well we're going to tell you just what to do. First of all you need to discover whether your relatives are suffering from Donovitis.

Generally, women suffering from Donovitis get stricken with a rictus grin whenever he appears on the screen, that won't end until he has gone and the real life has come back to them. Usually it's when they look across at their husband discreetly scratching their balls.

Another symptom of Donovitis is that their face will flush when a loin cloth is mentioned. Try wafting a chamois leather cloth in front of their face to see if that provokes a reaction. If there is a reaction, then chances are, they're suffering from Type 1 Donovitis.

They can name all of Jacob's sons; thats Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Naphtali, Isaachar, Asher, Dan, Zebulun, Glad, Benjamin and Judah, at the drop of a hat.

Once you've decided whether they are suffering from Donovitis, there are a number of things you can do. Although they will naturally come out of the stupor with time and patience, that's not always viable;

• You can follow the story of Joseph, sell your mother to Ishmaelites as a slave, rip up one of her dresses and fake her death. It may seem like the more extreme reaction, but Superstar will be on for a few months.
• Try and ween them back onto another "hearthrob." David Essex can be a good bet and has decades of performances to tempt them with on YouTube. If desperation dictates, Noel Edmonds is on Channel 4 almost every day.
• Ensure that absorbent towelettes are stuffed into each vase or ornamental knick knack in the room, just in case you're all caught unawares.
• As a last resort remind her that her mother/father is dead. That's bound to bring them back to their senses.

We hope that this can help you survive the brief, but frequent outbreaks of Donovitis. Our prayers are with you.