NME Awards 2012 Results In; Carl Barat Turns Up, Must Have Found The Key To Get Out Of His Corrugated Shed

Oh, it would be so easy wouldn't it? Yes. It would be so incredibly, irrefutably, painstakingly easy to take the mick out of the NME awards. Ha! The NME award clientele! With their cliques, and their Match.com courtesans, and their Tarantino box-sets, and their hemp, and their vaginal weights, and their history of rubbing thighs to the sound of Emma Watson's name, and their colon tubes, and their fear of dying, and their moustaches and their Fairtrade Chocolate and their…

Yes, it would be so easy to take the mick out of the NME awards. So very, very easy. Oh, we're so self riotous because we figured out that The Vaccines weren't very good, and a couple of thin people with careers and Class B drugs didn't.

Oh we're so mercilessly coy in our fixed, irreverent ways – god, why don't we just get on our high, sarcastic, horses (Yes! Of course like that one Rebecca Brooks has! Ha! Yes! We have our fingers in many many caustic pies!) and take the mick out of the incredibly easy targets that are the NME awards and not exceed ANYBODY's expectations, shall we?

Well, if you insist.

Last night we saw (Pah, not *we* as in *we, hecklerspray went to the NME awards, you understand. We wouldn't get invited to the opening of a letter! Ha! Or a Katie Price thigh. Or, you know – the progressive feelings of a loved one.) the 2012 spawn of the ceremony take place, as Awards Season comes juddering to an uneasy halt. But not to worry, we still of course have the Inside Soap Awards to look forward to.

So yes, as far as we can gather the cream of the indie 'crop' were out in force at the Brixton Academy to drink J20s, see Noel Gallagher win the Godlike Genius award, wear something designed by Henry Holland and feel chronically dexterous as a result… But mainly to guffaw solidly in the face of their own intelligence that they have the power to give Justin Bieber 'worst album' , which of course is so incredibly crass of the NME – isn't it? "Ha. We don't like this rich American child. Now everybody knows. We, the NME. We like chord progressions. We like men with hair." (Paul Weller doesn't count as 'man with hair' before you were about to take us to one side.) (It's a merkin.)

Well, that's enough small talk for now – we see quite a few white vans have pulled up outside. Here's a list of the winners of last night's NME awards, with a couple of.. notes, on some of the chosen elite of breathy-guitarry-noises this year. (They're not pretending that they have an interest in RnB this year, by the looks of things, which is very gallant of them.)

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Best New Band - The Vaccines (Off to a soaring start already, we see.)

Best International Band - Foo Fighters (Ohh, okay. Have they done anything this year? Or did Learn to Fly come on Absolute Radio in the NME offices and everyone thought, 'Yeah, that'll be fine. Come on guys, let's take the afternoon off, pop down to that Oxfam in Piccadilly circus and buy Wig Wam t-shirts for a proper laugh.' Really not sure if that counts, but okay.)

Best Solo Act - Florence and the Machine (K babes, that's great)

Best Track - Florence and the Machine; Shake It Out (Well done again babes. Nice shawl. Is that from the 50s? That's brilliant! That's a different decade to how we are in now, isn't it? That's great, because we like vintage stuff too. You know, like when Film4 put those black & white films on during the daytime and we put them on in the background, and we watch bits, but then altogether we get a bit lost, and go on to do other things with our day, like rearrange our Google + circles, and masturbate. But it still counts.)

Best Festival - Glastonbury (Oh you kooky sons of guns, you guys.)

Best Video - Hurts; Sunday

Best Album - The Horrors; Skying

Outstanding Contribution to Music - Pulp (We're doing resurgence of Britpop in 2012 then? That's just what's happening, is it? Seems a bit late in the game. We mean – even Lauren Laverne has children and.. satire now. Not like us, clearly.)

Best British Band - Kasabian (WE ARE NOT HAVING FUN)

Godlike Genius Award - Noel Gallagher

Best Live Band - Arctic Monkeys (And Edward Norton was schizophrenic all along.)

Dancefloor Anthem - Katy B;  Broken Record (We like this song – but we do not know what a 'dancefloor anthem' entails, but it doesn't sound very promising.)

Best TV Show - Fresh Meat (*Grinds pepper all over our brains*)

Best Film - Submarine

Hero Of The Year - Matt Bellamy (Huh?)

Villain Of The Year - Justin Bieber (Essentially Raoul Moat with a sweeping side-fringe, I think we can all agree, right – humour merchants?)

Worst Album - Justin Bieber; Under The Mistletoe (You know Kasabian have a song which has about 4 verses about the facets of wearing snake skin shoes? And although Justin Bieber at the time of writing has just raised $40,000 to help impoverished countries acquire clean water, which is pretty much just as bad – we just thought we'd mention. It was an album track, but… still. ) 

Worst Band - One Direction (HA GOOD ONE GUYS. That'll take these children down a notch! Apart from Harry, who's already kicked into early chlamydia by the sounds of things)

Hottest Male - Jared Leto, 30 Seconds To Mars (This being the same Jared Leto who once put on 40 pounds to play John Lennon's murderer Mark Chapman in a biopic involving the employment of Lindsay Lohan, that would be. Sorry, it's almost as if we're dismissing an award celebrating someone being hot! Carry on!)

Hottest Female - Hayley Williams, Paramore (Again..)

Best Album Artwork (?!) – Friendly Fires, Pala

Best Band Blog or Twitter - Lady Gaga, @ladygaga (This is great, seeing as Lady Gaga used the NME-award winning Twitter account to utterly dismiss them earlier on this week. Oh and also, DJ Casper gave out his Skype details on his Twitter earlier on this month – so it's a huge embarrassment on all accounts, this one.)

Best Book - Noel Fielding; The Scribblings of a Madcap Shambleton (*Sellotapes face shut*)

Best Small Festival - Rockness

Most Dedicated Fans – Muse (Woah woah woah, what is THIS category?!? The fans? Did they really think they could get away with this? Since when do rock music fans deserve any sort of encouragement whatsoever? The answer is 'never'. How do they work it out, anyway? Do they come on our comments section?)

Best Music Film - Foo Fighters; Back and Forth (FILM? …FILM? Right, okay fine. Film. Well done Foo Fighters. Well done on your film.  We mean, we also used to call The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps a film too, as much as we call that video we took on our smart phones of our friend drinking whisky out of a Lindt chocolate Easter bunny a film – but whatever.)

Greatest Music Moment - Stone Roses re-unite (*Sigh*)

Best Re-issue - The Smiths Complete re-issues (*In the voice of Tom's owner from Tom and Jerry saying 'THOMAS!' in an agitated tone, but replace 'THOMAS!' with 'OH NO, BUT WE DON'T LIKE THE STONE ROSES!'*) 

Philip Hall Radar Award - Azealia Banks (She has a blonde quiff and a song that sounds like Massive Attack quite a suspicious amount, which is more than we've ever done for society, so fair does. Lovely quiff. Just charming.)

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Oh! Also, one of Annie Lennox' daughters turned up – and she's looking VERY well, folks. Who knew Annie Lennox could be so charitable?)