Soap Spoilers! Murder! MRI Scans! Nits!

Hello Soap Fans! Have a good weekend? Did you spend hours licking that signed poster of Harold Bishop, while everyone else actually left their bedrooms and socialised? Thought so, LOSERS!! Still, you're our losers and we know how important this kak is to you, so let's take a look at what's happening in Soapland this week, you lonely, lonely people.

Eastenders first as usual, where Ben confesses to Ian that his statement to the police about Phil  was a load of old crap but it's OK because everyone hates Phil anyway and he's doing the world a favour by keeping his screen time to a minimum.

After seeing that someone has kicked the smile right off Phil's face in prison, Ian decides to grass Ben up to that police woman Marsden who has never actually gathered a shred of evidence on her own. Ben gets arrested, thinks Heather has grassed him up and apparently has a 'terrible fight' with Heather, which we all know is code for 'stabs her until she is dead.'  This has been a long time coming and we cannot wait.

Before she meets her long overdue death, Heather finds out that her giant boyfriend was in prison for GBH  but still agrees to marry him because no one else will. Tanya gets the results of her MRI scan and she's given the all clear, which means she can sleep with Max again and we won't be forced to watch him sleaze all over anything with a vagina who shows interest. Finally, Roxy gets nits from Amy because they're both evil and Ray and Kim kiss which makes us feel all warm inside for once in our miserable lives.

Next up, it's Coronation Street where folk are still going on and bloody on about Frank's murder. First of all Carla is suspected but then tells Peter she'd die in jail so Peter confesses but then it turns out he has an alibi and then KEVIN looks good for this as the brakes on Frank's car were made of custard after Kevin fixed them or something.  Also, ANNE GOES MISSING!  Luckily, super sleuth Sally finds her at home, going through Frank's stuff and we're left with one question; who in the hell is Anne? Elsewhere, someone has agreed to marry Rita who is 178 years old and Lewis and Audrey do it with their dusty genitalia like a scene from The Mummy. These two facts are more shocking and disgusting than any silly old murder.

Finally we're forced to make Neighbours sound more exciting by telling you that Paul is desperate to bring Kate home for reasons we don't care about. Summer's cheating comes back to haunt her in the shape of an axe-wielding maniac ghost, who kills her several times while singing the theme tune in French. Chris is delighted when he asks Aidan out and he agrees but disaster strikes when they are both sadly eaten by wolves.

Now we've got that out of the way, let's watch former Neighbours star Craig McLachlan get booed off stage for being rubbish at stand up.