Pop Promos: It’s Stupid Christmas

The blaring sound of happiness triumphing is overpowering these days, suppose it must be some sort of seasonal holiday that once again we have failed to understand, yet attempt to embrace by eating chocolates out of crassly wrapped boxes.

What do you guys get from this? All we get is fat which in turn makes us drink more which in turn makes us slip ever more down the spiral and so on and so forth into a new year—don't even get us started on that ozone layer depleting holiday.

In a wildly ludicrous attempt to garner the attention and affection of you, the demanding public, we will be providing you with some sort of visual and audible spirit; we do also need to watch something fuzzy after having our insides bored out of breathing by the preciously twee trailer for The Hobbit. So here in all their glory are some music video delights showing us the true spirit of Christmas is a horrendous cover that won't do anything for falling sales or loss of fame.

What says Christmas more than Michael Buble? Sorry about the lack of accent on his name. We're just not actually that bothered.

Anyway, he's just released what seems like his millionth Christmas album since the fall of Jesus and God and all those other biblical people.

Watch this and have fervently sweaty and pleasant dreams.

Okay. So that wasn't exactly a music video, but it had the opportunity to be better than one because you essentially just watched ITV's A Night In With Michael Buble – again sorry – in three minutes and if that's not a gift this Christmas then what is? You heard the man talk about how he wants to be in homes all over the world, like the big guy himself, you saw his freakish mouth, his gigantic peni… love of Bing Crosby, and best of all you got to see the twinkly eyed fucker sing in the snow, on a stoop, under a tree, in a room, wearing coats, and scarves, and all manner of suitable attire.

He even admitted he's going to force his undoubtedly hot wife into giving him children so he can make some more really, really boringly festive people. Great.

YouTube has just destroyed the collective insides of the world and made this writer implode by forcing an advert for Justin Bieber to be watched all the way through before watching one of his cutesy coma inducing videos. EURGH. That's it Christmas is cancelled.

We have been led to too many Justin Bieber videos through this column. He's just a young boy kissing a girl under the mistletoe asking her to love him—or something. We don't even care.  It went straight to number one on the iTunes chart quelle surprise. If you approve of self-harm then you can totally watch him covering 'Santa Baby' with Mariah Carey, but we're having nothing to do with that because we're watching a Willow Smith video instead, it has fire, and Nicki Minaj so we're definitely winning at life right now. On a side note—who dresses this girl and why are they obsessed with drag and Rihanna?

Don't shout guys, but this isn't a music video either because it's Christmas and we're giving you new things unlike anything you've seen or heard before which is exactly what this is.

Don't say we didn't warn you. You have Ellen Degeneres, your favourite lesbian chat show host shouting in her shrill voice, you have hipster dreamboat Zooey Deschanel and then M Ward who we have nothing to say about other than.

Yes together they are She & Him and they are docile and swell and all the qualities that make music really great for morphine addicts, which is why everyone in the audiences gets a copy of their album and then yelps!

Of course, the best thing that could possibly happen at Christmas is Scott Weiland. You might know who the drug addict is from his fairly famous 'classic rock' outfits Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver—he was the one making a dick out of himself. Well he's only gone and brushed under the rug the fact he has released an album of Christmas covers and it's the worst thing ever that we absolutely don't want to ever stop thinking about.

Watch why The Verve were right about the drugs not working.

We've just broken ourselves.

Right. Well we're shivering because it's cold these days, but we hope you can manage to pick up the pieces enough to have a lovely Christmas and please don't forget to leave your mice pies out for Michael.