Bored of sitting on their arses in separate palaces, eating swan pate and beating servants, the Queen, Kate Middleton and Camilla Parker Bowles decided to go on a raucous girls' night out at Fortnum & Mason's, where they ate indestructible biscuits, and Kate practiced her bending down to smile at children skills.
Once inside, away from the cameras, we can only assume that various nubile members of Fortnums staff were forced to strip naked and throw foie gras at each other while the royal wenches laughed and laughed.
All wearing blue jackets to cover their crudely printed "Windsor Gals ON THA LASH!" t-shirts, they embarked on a short meet and greet where Kate Middleton smiled at literally four or five carefully selected cute children, and Camilla managed to go ten minutes without actually snarling at anyone, which is nice.
Oh and Boris Johnson was there because why the fuck not, eh? Presumably he managed to keep his hungry Etonian paws off Kate's body, but it is not confirmed whether this is due to strict Royal instruction, will power, or the fact that he's quite simply more of a Pippa fan.
In between strawpedoing champagne and putting their fags out in jars of tapenade, the Windsor Gals were shown the new range of goodies that Fortnums have made for the Queen's 60th Queenaversary, including a jar of marmalade that costs £7 and has real fucking gold leaf in it.
Meanwhile, Kate asked how to make proper tea, being as her common as muck roots mean she is more of a PG Tips girl:
"I would really like to learn to make the perfect cup of tea as when I last made a pot of tea with dried tea leaves I got it very wrong."
Their ladies' night was, unfortunately, cut short when Camilla overdid it on the violet creams and vommed in Liz's hat.
What happens on tour, stays on tour.
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