Daniel Radcliffe Hates Rupert Grint; Just Another Life Ruined By Ed Sheeran

We all love the Harry Potter don't we? The books are the perfect way to get kids reading and introduces more morbid elements of death and orphans in a child-friendly manner. The films are great hangover fodder, and are one of the biggest British export since Katie Price's vagina.

All the children on them look so happy to be acting with them don't they? Look at those cherub faces. Not knowing what real life will hold for them after the films finish. We heard that the girl who played Pansy Parkinson is teetering on a total K-hole after taking a great big E through her eyes. They'll be friends for life once they all have a whip round and throw an intervention for her.

We're romantics at heart aren't we?

Well, someone who they won't be throwing an intervention for is Rupert Grint, who, according to Harry Potter Himself is a smelly git.

Daniel Radcliffe has taken a break from getting his penis out to publicly bitchslap his co-star while at the same time, blow so much smoke up Emma Watson's vagina that she's starting to resemble a wigwam when she walks.

"If I see him every six months or so, it's a friendly 'hello, how's things with you' but that's about it. I'm just going to put it out there, Emma and I text all the time but Rupert and I never text each other, we never see each other."

Remember when girls at school would freeze out one of the clique because she had a Polly Pocket duvet cover when everyone else was into My Little Pony? This is just the same. Grint doesn't want to be a luvvy and whack his schlong out at every opportunity and thusly, has been froze out.

Or maybe it's just because he's meant to be a fat pothead now.

Apparently, only Radcliffe and Grint know what the problem is, but that doesn't mean that we can't speculate wildly about a complex threeway with Emma Watson that just got so heavy, even though they said that it wouldn't.

This news will come as a shock to massive fans of homo-Harry Potter-fanfic, but we'll be round in a few minutes to throw an intervention. Or maybe you could do us a favour and kill yourself now?

There's a good girl.