As well you know, Demi Moore's suffering and being rushed to hospital after seizures from alleged narcotics, is simply not enough for us. The fact she's so unhappy is fine and all, but we need more.
Like what?
We all need to hear her cry for help. It's not good enough knowing that she was desperate – we need to hear EXACTLY how desperate she was. Of course, this also gives everyone the opportunity to overdub her pleas for help into a Hitler video or, indeed, remix it into the next hilariously autotuned dance-smash! That's right folks! Her 911 call is getting released to the public!
City officials plan to release an edited version of the 911 call made from actress Demi Moore's home Monday, with any personal information about her medical condition or medications removed. Which is a shame.
Still, at least the palpable fear in her voice, potential slurring of words and any crying will still be in the final cut.
The Los Angeles City Attorney's office has recommended that the recording should be edited before it sees release to media outlets to comply with federal medical privacy laws.
And, if sources are to be believed, Demi was caning "whip-its", which is a type of nitrous oxide inhalant. TMZ say that one of Moore's pals called 911 after the actress had a bad reaction and started showing symptoms of a seizure.
With any luck, the phone call will also feature Demi Moore laughing her ass off in the background, with the pitch of her voice drastically altered or something. Let us not forget, while she may have been under the impression she was going to die, we need some comedic relief from it. We should be thankful of her drug of choice.
But remember, Moore is in hospital for "exhaustion." Everyone should pray that we manage to find a cure for it.
Either way, this is all Ashton Kutcher's fault. Not only is he hellbent on making the entire world miserable through Two And A Half Men, but he's trying to kill Demi Moore.
Well done to all concerned. NOW HURRY UP AND RELEASE THE TAPE!
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