Tulisa Doesn’t Fancy Fazer from N-Dubz Anymore, Just Like How Hitler Didn’t Fancy Not Invading Poland Anymore

Tulisa off of 'N Dubz' has split up with that other bloke Fazer out of 'N Dubz' because they were just having a hard time. What's that you say? Not the best of starts to the week? Well congratu-bloody-lations on that nugget of wisdom, Sherlock. You THINK?

APPAZ (It's definitely an 'appaz' moment. Please give us one 'appaz'.) Tulisa moved out of the couple's North London haunt, at some point sometime in the past week probably, and the only reason we're a bit hazy on that is only because we're very vulnerable and are having trouble keeping our calenders straight in our shaky callous fingers right now, before you start.

What's more, it's not been looking too good for the Camden childhood sweethearts as it was, seeing as their holiday in the Maldives the other day didn't half go all post-traumatic stressy bessy anyway. We just really didn't fancy mentioning that at the time, because we didn't want to make your lovely little faces do that thing.. YES, THAT. THAT THING YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW. With the tears. Stop that. Think our problems are really as big as Sinead O Connor's, do we? Mmm. Well maybe pour another glass of brandy, listen to Mandinka on a slower RPM, and then grow a heart. (Sorry, we're still sad.)

In a faintly exhausting-sounding poll that we didn't read because we were really busy talking to all of our very interesting friends about  'current affairs in 'the newspapers' –  it's apparently all the more likely that couples are splitting up because it's all January and nobody wants to buy anybody that Valentines Card with the cock jokes on, coming out a speech bubble of a blissfully unaware, compliant cartoon penguin. Apparently. Oh and according to, and we kid you not, The PR Representative of Sheila's Wheels (Or 'Moses 2012? if you will)  it's because 'It's a bit dark outside and stuff.'

Well that clears up Seal and Heidi Klum then, who also erased our hopes of a Utopia where they are king and queen, dressed up in their discrimAMAZING Halloween outfits, as we moisturise them thoroughly on blinded awe this week.

Or: 'they broke up too' if you want to be more black and white about it. Seriously, you guys are all about the fun today.

However, like that bit in Casablanca where the PMS slaggy one is all 'Come on Sam, put a donk on it' (Commonly misquoted, as you all know) this particular love story ends with a glimmer of hope, where Tulisa went out on the razz, got bollocked, and got HER 'Member of Little Mix with low self esteem' out for all to see.

And as for Fazer, he's doing a solo album with that sensuous temptress of the night that is Chris Brown of course.

So, here's looking at… At least 12-18 months of community service, we estimate. God, we really love Casablanca, so romantic.