Eurgh, Skins Is Back And It’s Still A Gitfest

If you're under the age of 22 then you will be familiar with the Daily Mail's nemesis; common sense. Whoops! That should read Skins. If you're living like the characters in the show, then you're probably dead and we offer our sincerest sympathies; we died around the same time as Tony who was paralysed by youthful happiness and, you know, a bus.

If you're lucky enough to be a child now, then we can blame you for the continued success of what is shaping up to be a life affirming/sucking programme.

Either way you will all be suitably disappointed to find out that a new series is going to be cuming (see what we did there?) to E4 on Monday. There are mere days to prepare yourself. Here in the 'spray bedsit we like to think of Skins as a disease and as you know, with diseases, you must inoculate yourself with small doses to become immune. Based on that logic and no small amount of self-loathing we subjected, or watched, the two 'webisodes' on that thing some of you are calling The Internet. It's a sharp learning curve for us all.

We're still on the third cast of complete and utter hopeless specimens and this time they will be entering their second year of a 6^th form run by snivelling political comedy insurance vendor Chris Addison, but not before a little and undoubtedly highly believable dramatic holiday to somewhere sunny. There will be beer  five litres of vodka, there will be drugs, there will be sex, and there will be nothing resembling an average teenage experience. Leading up to this spectacle is where the web episodes come in and steal 20 minutes of your life which could have been used better by staring at a brown wall and contemplating the relevance of the colour brown.

For the sake of everyone, we're merging these two together in no particular order, all you need to know is that it starts with wanking and ends with two boys, one of whom has gained A LOT of weight, in a bathroom debating who gets to shove the drugs up their arse.

You did NEED to know that didn't you?

In between a ginger boy fails to have sex with one of those easy goth girls and reaffirms two stereotypes that are going to cause millions of children to be bullied by the bastardised youths watching this drivel and a man who we reckon is probably a heavyweight in the realm of British acting, smokes a lot of weed and talks about his 'iron lungs' before being mugged and only slightly sexually assaulted. IF IT WASN'T FOR THOSE PESKY KIDS, EH?

Christ it's an awful show these days, remember when Nicholas Holt was in it? Wasn't that vaguely all right? Not even the world's worst named child Dakota Blue Richards can make it better; though she often tries with her stony glances and androgyny.

Anyway if you can't be dicked or have some sort of sense about you then you probably shouldn't watch this. Always the antagonists we will be shunning the popular consensus and tuning in every single week to numb the mind before providing you lucky kiddies with our pearls of wisdom on whatever grandiose shit went down the following day.

So try not to kill yourself and come back here or else we'll throw a massive, obviously, Skins Party—a popular term meaning house full of dicks—and you won't be invited and you'll feel really bad when you see all the photos on Facebook.