Readers’ Letters: “This Dude Has Some Issues” Or “How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Take Loads Of Crack”

Well, knock us down with a feather. It must be that time of the week again. The time when we force our hands into the stinking, wretched filth that comes into the hecklerspray mailbox.

To give you an idea of what our mailbag actually resembles, allow us to paint you a picture. With words. Imagine taking a bowl of delicious, ripe fruit and writing a series of misguided, offended or just plain idiotic messages on each pieces and then leaving it to rot. Then imagine putting the pulped, putrid remains of the fruit into a plastic carrier bag and leaving it in a very humid room for a couple of weeks.

Then imagine having to dip your hand into that to remove and read something which calls you a useless idiot. That's called user feedback, folks and it fucking sucks.

Still, without any further ado, let us wash the remains of your rotten correspondence from our hands and copy your dribbling rants verbatim.

You can pity us but it won't do you any good. You did this to us in the first place. So here's this week's Readers' Letters. Benevolent deities help us all.

First up this week is the spawn of Jay-Z's loins. Naturally, this is one of the biggest celebrity stories of the year because they're both like totally famous and, like, totally talented and stuff. Of course, people with a fan base inevitably have legions of masturbatory freaks who can't take a joke. Like "Me" for instance. No, not me. Some moron who still thinks referring to themselves in the singular is funny.

I can tell by your article that you don't like reporting on beyonce so why do they have you doing it.. I came on her to read about beyonce not about how sarcastic you can be.. I mean really get over yourself or don't report on her..give someone else this job

Reading comments like this really leads us to a phenomenon known as 'hulking out', where we all turn either into Marvel Superheroes or into 80s' American wrestlers. The whole fucking point is that the article is about how sarcastic we can be. There's nothing else to it. Until you people stop projecting some kind of journalistic ethical code onto us, we're going to keep having to repeat this every week. Here it is in simple English.

WE ARE NOT JOURNALISTS. 

At least Sparkletits gets it; even though she (?) was replying to some other moron on some other article:

Whoa there friend, settle down. This site is beloved specifically because it brutalizes celebrities. This is like walking into a boxing match and complaining about the violence. Fuck off to people.com or whatever. LiLo is a trainwreck tire fire and does hilarious shit. The end.

That was in response to someone called Michael Prymula, who has a name like a cheese substitute that comes in a tube. His opinions should therefore be disregarded but given that we used to enjoy the one with chives in it on Ritz Crackers, here's his "worthwhile contribution":

Fuck you! you worthless fucking piece of dogshit! You think other people's hardships are SOOOOOOO hilarious, why don't you just go fuck yourself and stop writing bullshit that nobody cares about! Lindsay can and WILL make a comeback, and she's a FAR better person then you are!

This is another one. "No-one cares about your opinion" or "nobody cares about their indiscretions". Of course they do. By leaving comments angrily decrying those who take the piss out of your smacked-up idol, you're disproving your own point. Of course Lindsay Lohan is a better person than us because we're fatuous cunts that use our money (earned from a career making faces like we're having sticks pulled from our arses) to buy crack and smoke a bowl in someone's poolhouse.

Wait. Hang on. We've got ourselves mixed up with strung-out, failed actor Lindsay Lohan, haven't we? Silly us.

Still, much as 'she of the poolside nickname' has some misguided fans, that's nothing compared to the fans of 30 Seconds To Mars frontdick Jared Leto. Of course, given that all groups of fans have to collective nouns to distinguish them from your average horde of braying nutsacks, we've decided to christen Leto's lot "The Leotards". Please pass it on to those forums you frequent.

Sometimes it's the names of the people posting that really draw you into a comment. Take TheGuyWhoWroteThePostIsAFaggotJelousFatForeverAloneSucker which must be an unmitigated nightmare to sign on a disability cheque. This pillar of the Leotard community was up in arms because we wrote an article about him ALMOST FIVE YEARS AGO.

Who the hell's the gay guy that wrote the post? I bet he's a fat friki foreveralone 40-year-old who still wets his bed and jelous of THE PERFECTION OF JARED LETO.

Just another hater modafogga who will burn in hell.

Of course, if there's one thing we've learned from the heavily Christian fanbase of 30 Seconds To Galaxy Caramel, it's that homosexuality is wrong and is punishable by eternity in the firey pits of hell. It is surely not going too far to assume that there must be a fate worse than this for people who like Jared Leto's fucking awful band.

Jared Leto, the most perfect man on earth alive. EVER

Yes, here it is again. Would you like us to pick it out?

This dude has some issues.

This from the person who can't spell motherfucker (or anything for that matter), thinks homosexuals deserve to burn in hell and, perhaps most heinously of all, thinks 30 Seconds to Peanut M&Ms are or ever were any good. It's stunning to think that someone like this is out living amongst us and not locked in a darkened basement, hooked up to a car battery.

Still, at least ajay knows what we're all about:

very very very very sexy

Thanks.

Until next week; be good. If you can't be good be careful. If you can't be careful then try not to impale your genitals on anything sharp.