Simon Cowell Is Not The Marrying Kind

Runaway bride Simon Cowell has broken off another relationship, this time to his makeup artist Mezhgan Husaiany.

"It's quite a complicated relationship. We have had a break from each other, and we are still incredibly close," Cowell told The Sunday Mirror. "I'm vulnerable. It's not on, it's not off, it's somewhere in the middle. I don't know if I will ever get married, but I am happy."

You know how painful it is when you drop an M&M and it rolls under the sofa, and is juuussstttttt out of your reach? Welcome to Mezghan Husaiany's life.

Why would Simon Cowell want to get married? He's so rich that he could walk into a christening, drop-kick the baby over the font and he'd still leave with the phone number of half the congregation.

Simon Cowell is famous for three things; an oddly-smooth Frankenstein-esque forehead, unnaturally high-waisted trousers and the habit of leaving ex-girlfriends with huge pay-offs. He's like a modern-day Professor Higgins – picking humble girls out of the gutter, teaching them to speak all puurrrttty, then setting them up in multi-million-dollar mansions.

Unlike our last relationship, where our pay off was a keyed-up car and a strongly worded letter from a lawyer.

Instead of playing out this awkward Ross-and-Rachel-on-and-off-yes-that-does-count-as-cheating-you-bastard snooze-fest Hussainy should just take the money and run.