Welcome back #friends, #romans and #teamfollowback! How the devil are you? Good. Good. Still beliebing? Us too. Yep. Despite it all. No, we didn't do much for #Malickmonday either, we were too wiped out from #1Dmemories. Yeah, we know. Yeah, we must have used the whole tub of antiseptic wipes too. Boy, what a Friday night to remember that was. Who even needs repression anyway? So funny.
SO, after the roaring success of last week's pilot feature Dr Heckle (two retweets, and a phone call off mother saying she hasn't had time to read the article yet because she'd just bought Ice Age 3 on DVD, but that she still loves us because she didn't have a Caesarean) we are back!
Like #Backstreet, and #Sexy, and #Shady, and #BabyGot are also unswervingly pretty back. We never let you guys down, because we're all understanding and streetwise but still like to have a good time as long as we take care of our responsibilities lol. You know what we're like when we get protective. Just think of it like this: We are the Three Men and you are the Little Lady. Great. Now we're on the same page.
(PS: That analogy never quite goes away, so you might as well just put the Dettol and the coat hanger back where you found them.)
Here is the latest celebrity cries for help that we have been, needless to say, a bit worried about this week. So we pulled in a few favours round the office (Oh bore off, of course we have an office. We could have an office) and have only gone and nabbed a bloody copy of Freud's The Ego & The ID, and some only bloody Ben & Jerrys only bloody Cherry Garcia! Well, what can we say?
We know how to validate the heartbroken. *Somehow, somewhere, Sid James winks*
@Les_Dennis
I did Cinderellalla with Jennifer Ellison and she carried on with 2 broken ribs. She's a trouper. Go Jen
Hello! Les Dennis! We guess! First off, really sorry to hear about the Amanda Holden divorce in 2003. Bit belated, but we'd feel like proper divheads if we didn't say anything about it now at least.
Ah, Jennifer Ellison, or 'The Cave of Wonders' as we like to call her. (Private joke.) (Well, it's because she looks like the sort of person who isn't so unaccustomed to the idea of having a monkey's hand digging her up for precious jewels. It's a very private joke.)
Well Les, you know: Celebrity is as celebrity does, and sadly enough even talented, happy people get hurt, Jessie J will still slap on a fake plaster cast to prolong her cryogenic Brit Newcomer Award as long as possible. Just the way it is. We mean, hey! Just take a look through the archives. Dec from Ant and Dec hurt his arm in a cheeky Saturday Night Takeaway stunt once for example. Roman Polanksi's pregnant wife Sharon Tate got brutally murdered by the Manson family, for another. The point is, every now and then some of our nearest and dearest friends get into a few scrapes. And also, coincidentally, so does Jennifer Ellison. It's literally a double edged sword, but rest assured as far as Jennifer Ellison is concerned, Les. It's what the rest of us do. Hey, it's an existence, we suppose.
It was, interestingly enough, (Well, yknow, not 'interestingly', but something similar) the other part of your tweet (or @tweet, or #tweet or *tweet* or however we're supposed to) about your current foray into the stage production Cinderellalla, which we'll break down into a few sections in a process we like to call the seven psychological stages of change, okay? It's nothing to do with Amanda Holden, we promise. And there's only three.
- Les - Some people are going to tell you that "Cinderellalla" (née Cinderella) is not a real play, and somewhere down the line, someone else is going to say something like "That thing Widow Twankie has in her dressing room isn't even a real Olivier Award'. If this happens, always remember Les – that whatever they say, you have a story to tell, and by any account do not let these people make you want to stop telling it, and please don't get depression again and look sad.
- Always remember that at every point in a young actor's career, he gets upstaged by Cilla Black and her forays with sequins and a glue-gun. Why else did you think Marlon Brando rejected his Oscar?
- We're kind of running on empty here, Les tbh. Please don't get depression again and look sad.
@BrianMcFadden
My daughter just put brown sause on her superquinn sausage. Ashamed!
Dear Brian,
If having trouble deleting your Twitter account – try getting in touch with an on-hand tech team, who will erase your existence from the internet within the next 24 hours. In the meantime, Brian: Two words. No, not 'An audience with', that's three. Just two words. No? Okay. Social services. Brian. Social services.
@AggrosSantos
What's good in cinema right now ?
Wotcher, Aggros.
Thanks for your question. First off, we have to decide which way round we're going to do this joke. Ie: do we cut our losses and link to a Top 10 list of Gasper Noe-stylistic revenge films, or go with a Disney rebuttal? The answer is of course c) We are professionals, we would never do such things, and The Lake House is a really fantastic piece.
Pass the popcorn!
@Danwooton
Poor Gareth…but this is hilarial!!! #CBB
Hey Dan. Love the journalism. We found a website that we thought might help make it even MORE coherent, if that could be humanly possible.
www.dictionary.com
Cheers, Dan. PS: We don't think anybody's watching Celebrity Big Brother, and even most morgues have BidTV nowadays?
@Seal
The End. tadaa.im/wY0Zu #tadaa
Hi Seal,
We know you're hurting right now, but we think that #tadaa hashtag is a little bit jovial, given the circumstances and to be quite frank a little inappropiate. You have children.
@Rupertmurdoch
Why can't we have sensible tweets. You're mainly just crazy and fun to read. No loss of sleep here.
It's just a self preservation thing really, Rupe.
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And that's it for yet another week. And remember, if you've been having some troubles that you've been hoping to iron out on social networking – don't hesitate to get in contact with us, with your Twitter name, your problem, and the postcode to both your nearest available location, and that of a large bucket of rocks (preferably the throwing kind). Now get out of our office that we definitely have.
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