Soap Spoilers! Spying! Secrets! Jumpers!

It's soap spoiling time again you lucky people!  Once again we've been held at gunpoint and forced to write stuff about something we'd only care less about if we were dead. Want to know what exciting things happen in Hollyoaks this week?  Tough. We didn't include them.

As usual we're off to Eastenders first and before we give you this weeks predictable spoilers, we'd like to jump up and down topless in appreciation of Kim, who's near death rubbish pile romance scene with Ray was our highlight of last week.

This week Ben's hilarious plan to get his dad arrested has finally worked. Yes Phil Mitchell has been charged with the murder of Stella in a plot so drawn-out we had to look on YouTube to remember what actually happened. We're still not sure.  However, the smug grin is soon wiped off his face when Shirley throws him out and he's forced to go and live with Ian Beale and as you all know, when you move in with Ian you have to marry him – it's Eastenders law.

Anyway, it seems that once upon a time, Bianca managed to sleep with someone who wasn't completely unattractive! New face Ray is determined to be a dad to Morgan and offers to cook dinner for the Butchers. He then reveals he has a daughter called Sasha and Bianca isn't happy. OH THERE'S A SHOCKER.  Still, our protests last week seem to have worked and Ricky has pissed off, so hopefully Bianca will be next.

Elsewhere, Tanya and Jane fall out over her plans to go to Wales, Lucy confronts Mandy over her secret phone calls and Derek gives Ben a jumper. This isn't a euphemism.

Next we go to Coronation Street because you lot moan when we don't write about it. Tracy and Steve get married this week and as Tracy is a scheming, lying villain, you know this won't end well or have any comedy value whatsoever. Yes Becky gatecrashes the church to tell Steve that Tracy is all of those things we've just mentioned and manages to ruin the whole bloody charade.  Don't fret though, BECKY IS LEAVING! We've already put bunting up in the hecklerspray bedsit as between her and Ricky Butcher being removed from our televisons, we haven't been this happy in a long time. Pete and Carla share some really unconvincing kisses and plan a secret hotel rendezvous so they can engage in some really mediocre sex acts. What they don't know is that Frank has a private investigator following them, called Trish.  Trish?

Trish was always one step ahead.

Finally, despite the fact we haven't watched Neighbours in 25 years, we'll still tell you stuff as you obviously haven't moved on.  First of all, Guy Pearce is a brilliant actor. He's done really well for himself hasn't he? Sadly he's not in Neighbours anymore, but do you know who still is? Stefan Dennis, aka Paul Robinson.  This week he puts together his case to fight for Kate's career. We don't know who Kate is but you probably do so that's all that matters. Emilia teaches Tash some Wiccan method called 'grounding' which hopefully involves her being buried alive somewhere and someone called Chris is gay.

It's fair to say we've all learned something important this week.

Anyway, let us end this excuse for a feature with a video of a soap star doing something they should be particularly ashamed of.

Expect more of these.