Hecklerscopes – The Stars Are Strong With You

What's this? You've managed to survive another week?  Congratulations! Now look, we're the first to admit that we sometimes get it wrong. But not this week. This week, we're bang on. Trust us.  We'd never lie to you. Let's look at what rotten luck awaits you this week. It's your own fault for being born.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

The planets are playing a song for you …'Love is a stranger in an open car, to tempt you in and drive your far away'…sorry, not love. Abduction. We recommend staying in this week.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Your wife is pregnant! This would be amazing news if you hadn't been working overseas for the past 12 months.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

Your boyfriend asks if he can wear your new underwear.  Heterosexual couples must dread these moments.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You may have lost your job but by God, you haven't lost your dignity. Oh wait. On Friday you sneeze, fart and soil yourself in the Job Centre.  Um…

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

The planets smile upon you this week and your bank refunds all of your charges! They're still repossessing your house though.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

It's a little known fact that those born under the sign of Virgo are good with their hands. And understandably compulsive masturbators.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

You're stunned by the amount of porn you find on your partner's laptop. Your girlfriend is awesome.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

Your mates throw you a huge farewell party on Friday! As you hadn't planned to go anywhere you become suspicious. Also, be wary of a ticking parcel which arrives for you the following morning.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

It pains us to have to tell you this but you're going to have a spectacular week. Nothing bad will happen. You even win some money. This is the part of the job we hate.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Your angry, competitive side shows itself this week when you travel 200 miles to punch someone who beat you on Words with Friends.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

Your girlfriend has been having affair.  She hates you. The truth hurts doesn't it?.. but not as much as being hit by her car on the way home from work.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

Stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet. Torture yourself with the many, many mistakes you've already made.