Alright, another hollerin' at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry! Don't worry, we'll give you a leg up.
So, we've all had our run-ins with the ol' Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven't we? O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.
Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.
Here at hecklerspray, in a brand new feature, we hope to eradicate all that shame, and take Twitter back to the haven that it once was when it started all the way back when in 2006, when times were simpler, and Twitter looked like this.
We have taken it upon ourselves, and only us alone, (like that bit in The Matrix where they let Keanu Reeves have some lunch on a bench because he didn't feel like chatting) to sort out this whole sorry mess, in a mature, selfless and all manner of sexy way, and single handedly try and solve every single problem one of our HAPPYFACE-challenged celebrity friends have found themselves taking to Twitter for help this week. Or about five or six or something. Come on.
GLADIATORS READY.
@Christine Bleakley: "How amazing were our celebs tonight. The best bunch ever xx"
Phew.
Hey Christine, welcome to hecklerspray!
Although this isn't strictly a question, we think we see what you're trying to say. You feel so overwhelmed by the plight of the celebrity subconscious that you are fearful you won't live up to your standards. Like those press cars shrieking down that secluded French alley that brutally butchered the Princess of Wales: not with flying bits of metal and internal bleeding: But with curiosity. Yes, we totally understand. We get that too. We just don't varnish or try and be happy. So, as you were saying, Christine. You're really worried about dying. Well Christine, no one wants to die. But unfortunately, we all do – but never fear. In these waking moments before the inevitable strikes, we suggest spending time with loved ones, cancelling all your TV contracts if needs be, and just getting the most Christine Bleakley can get out of being Christine Bleakley.
If you're curious now, we hear freezing to death is actually quite euphoric. Thanks for writing in.
@JulianClary: "Fortunately I'm sponsored by Mac."
Ah, well that's very good news, Julian. You clearly appreciate good cosmetics. Not all problems have to be bad. Thanks for checking in.
@JulianClary: "Fortunately I'm sponsored by Mac."
Oh.
@thekeithchegwin: "What's orange and sounds like a parrot?"
Hi there Keith.
We don't know!
@thekeithchegwin: "Half of Essex"
Ah we see. Very amusing.
@SnoopDogg: "wat u on 2day? it's #puffpuffpasstuesdays!!"
@Dane Bowers: "Why do people always point out miskeyed tweets or misspelling?! So what! Keys are pretty close together people! Bore off!!"
Dear Dane,
Come on, sport. It's not like you to get all boiled up in such idle pedantry. Just think of what championed wordsmith Hunter S Thompson, or Dane Bowers might say! Oh wait – how embarassing. THAT'S YOU! Just remember, it's important to keep face (Especially your lovely one with all that Dane Bowers molecular structure all over it. Phwoar.) at times like this. So somebody 'miskeyed'. Big whoop. We're sure even Queen Elizabeth or Stevie Wonder did once too. Just remember, you always will be the one who wrote 'Shut Up And Forget About It' in 2009, Dane. That will never not be you.
"Hope your silicone bursts
You'll never get signed
But I feel sorry for you
'Cause your baby is blind"
@MissAmyChilds: "Really random bit I must be the only person that doesn't like nandos x"
Hi Amy,
We have to say we were rather moved by this. It's not every day you get a celebrity quite as upbeat and up for a laugh as yourself on Twitter these days. And considering you look mid-arterial embolism 80% of the time, it makes what you have had the guts to tell us here even more admirable.
So, feeling left out from the pack. Amy, this is unfortunately commonplace, especially for a girl with your particular choice of zany hue for a hair colour. First and foremost, the thing to know is this: It's not your fault. Nandos does serve, admittedly, quite a lot of chicken. And hey, not everyone likes chicken. The key thing to remember is this does not make you a freakish bog-eyed ITV2 psychopath. It does not. Far from it. As for those people who say that all neutral flavoured things transgress back to tasting like chicken? Nought but lonely young boys with eating disorders whom's nerves have been deadened by the lack of a motherly touch, pretending the air surrounding Robin Williams is actual food. So we'd say you have the edge on them at least, Amy.
@Only1AlexReid: "Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak"
Sorry Alex, we're just not emotionally stable enough to deal with this right now.
@JulianClary: "Fortunately I'm sponsored by Mac."
Oh GOD FINE. We'll deal with the Alex Reid thing.
@Only1AlexReid: "Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak"
Dear Alex,
All of that is amazing and we know it must be hard having a baby with Chantelle Houghton. Especially with Beyonce and Jay Z copying your exact idea and then writing cruel songs about how Beyonce can't have a miscarriage because she's magic. As for all of the other things you mentioned. Well it's fairly easy to decipher.
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORGSIJSOISJPSOIKSO
Christ…
And there you have it, another week of celebrity mishaps all cleaned up. If you come across any lost souls, collecting their jars of hearts, tearing their love apart because they're going to catch a cold from the ice inside their soul, then please do not hesitate to email in or leave a comment, and you could be saving a life too. Such as Michael Barrymore and his constant conquest to get in touch with Dara O'Briain. And remember, Dr Heckle is only licensed to deal with menial problems such as these. For emotional health and race hate, go to Dear Deidre.
Goodnight!
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