Soap Spoilers! Pill Pushing! Stair Pushing! Fish Murdering!

CHRIST ON A BIKE, it's been a whole week since we've been here! Can you believe it?!! That was rhetorical. Shut up. Now that Pat has been airlifted out of this world to the tune of Sweet Caroline, it's time to get back to the real world, and by real world we mean an entirely fictitious one, created to make you waste several hours of your life when you could be saving kittens or learning to read.

Ready?

First this week it's Eastenders, where the Bianca and Ricky saga continues to bore the living shit out of everyone as it's now been running since 1993. They're back together. No wait, they're splitting up. Oh hang on they're back together. OH JUST DIE. LEAVE. TOGETHER. OR SEPARATELY. WE DON'T CARE.  Want to know what happens? Just YouTube Eastenders from 1998 and save us the agony of discussing it any further.

Other characters do stuff too! The new Lucy now officially hates Mandy and decides to set her up by scoring some pills from her and then craftily arranging it for Bobby to find them.  Then off she pops to befriend Dr Death's daughter Afia and lead her astray whilst homosexual husband stalker Amira scowls at her with her long face.

Rubbish crime fighter DCI Marsden is sniffing around Ben, hoping that the little weasel will tell her everything about Phil's involvement in The Cut and Shut of  2008 or The Great Train Robbery of 1903, or that time he walked out of Tesco with a Twix in his trolley and didn't pay for it; it's all the same to her. She wants him GAWN and quite frankly so do we.  Of course Ben feels rejected by Phil once again and tells Marsden he wants to change his statement, opening the fiery gates and unleashing another 75 weeks of 'Will Phil Mitchell Get Away With It?' storyline hell.

In other news, Lauren is annoyed at being grounded. That's cutting edge stuff right there.

Next up we trudge over to Coronation Street where we're hoping that Becky has dropped off the face of the earth. Sadly we find out this isn't so and she's been busy trying to clear her name and demanding answers from Deirdre, who should still be in prison for overacting and thinking that she could ever bag a pilot.

To cut a long tedious story short, Tracy had a miscarriage the day before Becky pushed her down the stairs and is therefore a big stinking liar but you already knew this. Danny then stuns Becky, not with a taser unfortunately but with a proposition. He wants her to go to Barbados with him for ever. And ever. And ever. Let it be good news this time.

Kevin receives his divorce papers and commiserates with Tyrone and it looks like the world's most uninspiring friendship could be on the mend.

SHOCKING STORY LINE OF THE WEEK!!!

Owen hits Faye because she was responsible for killing the fish. We don't even know who Faye is but she sounds like a complete prick.

Faye had been planning this for weeks.

Finally we run at full speed towards Hollyoaks because it's very likely that someone will take their top off and we won't care what happens for at least three minutes or possibly even six minutes if we light some sexy candles first. It seems that Dennis faces a DILEMMA SO HUGE we had to use capitals- He can either take his dream job in Dubai or stay and declare his love for Leanne. Callum with the drawn on beard is concerned about George for reasons we didn't bother looking into and  Lynsey persuades Cheryl not to give up on her dream. Of going to Uni. Really?

That's it. What more do you want?

Once again. Shut. Up.