Wizened Old Hag, Madonna, Shares Secret Of ‘Youth’

Mumm-Ra of pop, Madonna, with her face like an elephant's knee… with her forehead like Bob Hope's elbow scrag… with a neck like a deflated basketball's scrotum, has been asked about the secret of her youthful face.

Yes, feel free to wipe the contents of your mouth off your computer monitor.

So what keeps Madge's face looking the way it does? Is she gorging on young men, draining all their blood through some vicious, veiny proboscis that fires out of her lower mandible? Or maybe she bathes in teenage semen?

Now the 853-year-old singer, actress, film director and living-fossil has FINALLY revealed the secret behind her (apparently) ever-youthful allure… or at least that's what sycophantic bozos keep saying to her.

Speaking at the London premiere of her latest movie, Wallis Simpson biopic W.E., Madonna said:

"What's my secret? Love."

"I don't know. I don't have a secret. The most important thing is being happy."

Effectively then, if you want to look like Mick Jagger's current buttock situation, be happy and in love with a 24-year-old dancer called Brahim Zaibat. Make sure you find time to have it off with someone called Jesus and have a Guy Ritchie to punch when needed.

That is, if you want to have a body that looks like a bag of scar tissue.

If this is the case, then us bitter miserablists will look as youthful as can be long into our twilight years, lonely but astonishingly beautiful.

Alas, you could live for a thousand years and, somehow, Madonna will still outlive you. Essentially, despite looking like a withered pug puppy, she'll outlive ever other human on Earth and end up creating a super race with our future simian leaders.

And they'll all end up buying the Immaculate Collection as well. CURSES!