Khloe Kardashian Might Not Be A Kardashian; The Familial Equivalent Of A Get Out Of Jail Free Card

Truth be told, it isn't very often that one of the debauched members of the hecklerspray bedsit would ever speak of a member of the Kardashian lizard family in any positive manner. Doing so carries a punishment. A punishment that would Max Mosley blush and thank his lucky stars that he only has goes up against Nazis, and not the full extent of the hecklerspray phantom. That's one sick puppy eating monster.

But today is a special day. Today is a day where it all changes for the awful Kardashian Kartel. It seems that the head of the Kardashian family, Kris Jenner, had unprotected and probably nasty (it did involve Kris Jenner, and possibly her original face) sex with an unwitting stranger, before eating the poor fool whole and spinning a web over his corpse so Susan Boyle couldn't pick at the carcass.

Which we know she would.

Who do these claims come from? Well, not from an angry ex-husband or boyfriend, of which the Kardashians have more than chins in a Fat Camp Yearbook, that's for sure. They come from the unlikely source of Khloe's own stepmother. Say whaaat? Say what indeed, slovenly reader.

You'll need to bear with us here, it's about to get mad complicated.

Jan Ashley, who married Robert Kardashian after Khloe's mother Kris, has claimed that Robert himself said that Khloe is not his child, and that another man fathered her. Totally debunking the theory that Khloe was stolen from a local farm and put in a Herve Leger dress at the same time. She says:

"Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said it like it was a matter of fact. He said "Well, you know that Khloe's not really a Kardashian, don't you?" And I said… "OK" and that was it."

Jan Ashley isn't the only ex-wife of Rob The Stud's that has come out to say that Khloe's father is more likely to be the man who injects the pygmy octupus placenta straight into Kris Jenner's labia. Or the man who carries Kim's ego around. Or the man who truly believes that anything the Kardashians says is the truth.

Ellen Kardashian (these people are starting to breed like yeast in Kim's vagina), who married Rob The King of Sex after Jan, pointed out that Khloe looks nothing like the other two members of the Kardashian Kunt Klub, Kim and Kourteney. Which she doesn't. At all. Kim and Kourteney are statuesque pillars of arrogance, whereas Khloe is a dumpy bag of no mark, nepotistic arrogance. Totally different.

Seriously. If you look at all three Kardashian sisters they're like peas in the pod. If the pea pod was filled with two green peas and a female-impersonator.

Kong Kardashian has however hit back at these claims, saying on Twitter:

"The audacity you have to mention my father's name like this! Should be ashamed of urself! I let a lot of things slide but this one is really low… YOU ARE DISGUSTING! (yes you know who YOU are)."

We don't know why she's being so frigid about the idea – anyone would have thought she'd jump at the chance to be disassociated from human-toilet Kim and the whole media circus that surrounds the KKK's.

Khloe, not being a full blood Kardashian means that, this is a perfect opportunity for Khloe to ditch the Kardash Klan once and for all. Maybe get a nice job in a bakery. Perhaps get a LoveFilm subscription and finally get round to watching all the Resident Evil films.

It also means that she is the only one who can defeat Voldemort.

This article featured additional reporting from Lady Robotnik as well as Sir Robin Darke, just so you know.