We'd love to tell you about the tragic things that have been happening this week, but we can't get on Wikipedia because of some protest for some dumb law the stupid Americans are trying to enforce. We'd love to tell you what that law is, but you know we aren't really all that knowledgeable about anything without the use of facts made up by people like you.
We do love it when the world wide web gets it's knickers in a twist though and it seems like everyone is so we're here to join in with our eloquently put words; FREE SPEECH IS WELL COOL.
In a tone more akin to what you're used to seeing here we will now proceed to inform you about the abysmal endorsement of capitalism by Alex "absolute git hamper" James. You might recognise him as the bassist from Blur, or much more likely is that you've seen his name on a bag of pre-grated cheese in Asda. It all went downhill when they started slicing bread if you ask us. The once beacon of foppish country cool now hangs around with fellow swan-munchers Cameron and Clarkson sipping freshly juiced faecal matter from paper cups which they then use to muddy our big rotten society so it's no surprise then to learn that he writes for The Sun now, obviously. Today he announced that he bums McDonalds—of course he calls it Maccy D's—and Greggs, and KFC, and factory farming, and animal incest, and free love. Okay well maybe not the last one; nobody's that sick.
Another man that's a stinking Tory who is regurgitating his lower intestinal tract into words for us to read every day is Brian May, this nutter and his hair just blog instead of write songs, probably because years of brushing that mane have mangled his hands beyond repair.
Not enough though it seems to stop him from making some dreadful decisions.
Yes by dreadful decisions we are referring explicitly to working with The Splat In The Hat, Dappy.
It's fine though guys – it's hard to ruin a career when you can't hear it behind the auto tune. This is what Dappy looks like when he's living like a rockstar, which coincidentally is the name of the song and the only reason that Brian May is here. Well that and for some reason that he will take to his grave.
You can see the 24 year old sitting in a vacant swimming pool drawing tally marks and talking about Amy Winehouse and The 27 Club; which is absolutely the only reason why anyone will take notice of this dreadful song. Oh, respect to dead Fred as well Bri'.
Another stupid dead person is Jim Morrison and it seems his return isn't friendly for the epileptics so, the afflicted might want to skip this dub butchery by Skrillex.
You can watch the video the actual promotional video here because some dufus didn't put it on YouTube so we could embed it on this page. Concerning the video, to be fair to the friendly looking young man, this isn't entirely his fault. Yes he quit his hardcore band to pursue a career as a DJ. Yes, he chose to remix The Doors. Yes, he forced the still barely alive members of the band to clap like robots. Yes, he is a terrible person. BUT it is something to do with a documentary and The Grammy's in which the smarmy likes of Mark Ronson will remix songs from 'traditional music' they're calling it Re:Generation and we're calling it wrong. The live show looks thrilling though… if you're into pollution of all senses that is.
Alas, it's always a shame when a career doesn't quite work out, it's just so much hassle, but when you've been defeated it's better to just cut your losses and move on. Santigold, clearly, is not a fan of this method. Yes, the woman who released a song nobody knows the name of an inordinate amount of years ago is back and she's holding onto that multi-coloured childlike dearth of charisma with everything her scrawny frame will allow.
She probably drew the scenery and picked out those pleather shorts all by herself. She can probably cross the road by herself as well because she's evidently still alive. Don't you hate it when Santigold is still alive? It's like if M.I.A if M.I.A wasn't a bourgeois sign of the times for pretentious…Oh, well then.
For fans of: M.I.A.
All this bloody Lana Del Ray nonsense can bugger off back into the stupid void as well, she was never as good a singer as you wanted her to be and this whole SNL debacle isn't as bad as you want it to be either so you can all bite your roguish tongues and cock right off. You know what was terrible about SNL? Daniel Radcliffe's cardigan.
There was some more videos in store for you, but frankly we don't want you to see them and instead will give you some Lionel Richie as punishment for your sins.
Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.
Okay so that was the best punishment ever huh?
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