Angelina Jolie: Nauseatingly Thin And A Severed Leg

The real winner at the weekend's Oscars wasn't that silent movie or Margaret Thatcher winning Best Monster, but rather, Angelina Jolie's various and assembled body parts. It appears that the Academy Awards were so boring, we need to talk about a leg.

That's what happens when Jennifer Lopez cruelly denies us a nipple-slip, the selfish cow.

So what in particular won our attention regarding Jolie? Well, her leg. Just her right leg, which has caused so much fuss that we assume is severed itself from her body and rampaged around the awards with a mind of its own, presumable getting off with other missing body parts like the arm from the drummer of Def Leppard and Tommy Iommi's fingertips. This left Angelina so thin, it was borderline offensive.

See, for some reason, everyone became fascinated by Jolie's leg. It peered out from an expensive dress and got the dumbasses of twitter in such a tizz that they invented a term for it – 'legbombing'.

As such, this leg now has its own twitter account and has spawned parodies from the winning writer team of The Descendants and in the poses of some people called Al Roker and Ann Curry.

And now, the right leg is a meme, riding tanks through Tiananmen Square and more. It's amazing how much a leg can influence popular culture.

We worship at the altar of the leg. The leg is Queen. We should kneel and kiss the toes of Jolie's severed right leg.

Of course, this just detracts from the real problem – Angelina Jolie is too thin. She's appallingly thin. She's disgusting in her thinness. She's sickeningly not fat. HOW DARE SHE? We're not judging her or anything because women are allowed to be any weight they want, provided that they fall between 'healthy thin and toned' and 'adorably curvy with a '50s frock on'.

Nothing outside of these is acceptable. Not that we're body fascists or anything. We'll even butter it up with concern if you like.

Suffice to say, Angelina Jolie – don't think we haven't focused entirely on you and your leg's appearance. That's all we do. We're a world obsessed by it. We're not judging you… WE'RE REALLY THOROUGHLY CONCERNED OKAY?

Now, if you don't mind, we need to go now and throw up our lunch, promote Adele's weight and try and bag an interview with Angelina's right leg. Failing that, we'll write a sad think-piece about the tribulations of Jolie's neglected left leg, using quotes from 'a source' and a 'concerned friend'.