ITV's got a long, long history of completely misunderstanding the concept of "rock". There's something about distortion pedals that just smushes their collective brains and leaves everyone in the audience a little bit baffled. And this week on Dancing on Ice, they did it again.
In fairness to the ice-dwelling imbeciles though, it wasn't quite the same level of misunderstanding that Tulisa demonstrated on last year's X Factor. They may have all been weirdly subdued and kind of odd, but at least most of them managed to pick an actual rock song to skate to.
Most. But not all.
Alas, everyone's favourite crazy-eyed skier was determined to keep the "Not Rock" tradition alive, and so Chemmy found herself skating to Kelly Clarkson's 'Stronger', because it "really speaks to her". Presumably because she's broken everything in her body at least six times and yet still has enough life left in her to make a total tit of herself on national TV each Sunday.
Jennifer Ellison, meanwhile, had gone for the power ballad end of rock, and decided to skate to Bonnie Tyler, a song which causes hecklerspray intense emotional pain. For a while it looked like causing Jennifer intense physical pain, especially after coach Karen put her in a helmet and made her go very, very fast. Stupid Jennifer decided to let us all down by staying upright though, thus beginning the parade of subdued disappointment and unfulfilled promise that characterised the rest of the show.
Andy was out to get his scores up into the 20s, and so was given a "serious, reflective" routine. To Oasis. Presumably because he wanted to show us some more of his non-existent skills. Unfortunately for Andy though, his way of emoting and skating was to just touch his head a lot, which the judges found a bit boring. So they gave him rubbish scores and he was a bit sad and nobody really cared. No-one cares about Andy. Not even his mum.
Everyone cares about Matthew though, because he's apparently great. Super-amazing, top of the leader board, 9.5 out of 10 great. And since they all care about him so much, they decided to give him a practically impossible routine which caused him to look deeply confused and totally psyche himself out. He set us all up for a complete disaster of a performance, and then did something that was not quite as good as last week, but still quite good.
We told you it was disappointing.
Unless your name is Sam. Or maybe Mark. But we think it was Sam. Whoever he was, he was quite happy with his routine last week, even though attempting the frog lift had nearly ruined his knee. So to celebrate, Torville and Dean gave him the frog lift again, presumably because they didn't like him much. Sam managed to perform said lift without it ending in serious injury, so he was happy. We still weren't.
That was okay though, because Jorgie and her Blades of Death were there to cheer us up. Little Jorgie wasn't top of the leaderboard last week, so this week she decided to get herself all the attention by mauling her partner. In the face. THE ACTUAL FACE. She claims she was trying to wrap her skates around his neck, but we know the truth. She just wanted to kick him in the face.
Still, it was all fine in the end, because Jorgie decided to attack in the dress rehearsal, leaving her partner Matt with enough time to go and get stitched up by a tip-top surgeon. Which makes Jennifer Ellison's head-skate interface from a few weeks back look pretty lame, really. She was glued back together in the studio. And she hadn't kicked her actual face. What an amateur.
Chico's not an amateur, though. Definitely not. He's Top Tier, apparently. He didn't seem to be having much trouble with his routine at all, which presented a bit of a problem for the producers. They had to find some drama somewhere, so they pretended a knee slide was a difficult move. Even though it's just sliding on your knees. Apparently Chico was in danger of COMPLETELY LOSING CONTROL and SLIDING TOO FAR. Really puts that skate-to-the-face moment into perspective.
Except that it didn't at all, and so Chico found himself in the skate-off with the distinctly lower-tier Sam, who was promptly booted off the show. Still, we can only hope that Chico and his appalling blonde wig have learnt their lesson; don't try and pretend to be a daredevil when the person you're following has just be gouged in the face.
To win, shed blood.
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