It's that time again everybody, the time that we have a quick flick into the future to see what's going to befall your houses, via the magical medium of television. It would be wonderful if we could tell you what was going to happen in your life wouldn't it? Instead watching hours of TV, only to have zero of feedback from you ungrateful sods, we could say that "You will meet a tall dark stranger who will offer you wonders beyond measure" but in reality you will stumble into a tramp, drop your coffee into his lap and learn some new, swearier words for "stupid woman".
Knowing the future isn't all that it's cracked up to be. It didn't do Cassandra, her from Greek legend, any good did it? No one believed her when she foresaw the fall of Troy, and the death of Agamemnon, but that was because she had a killer rack. Obviously Mystic Meg can't claim that. As flat as a witch's tit that one. Essentially, no one really wants to know the future. Knowing that you're going to die on February 26th under the Number Six bus isn't going to many people any good (except the one person reading this who this prophecy does concern), and will probably lead to a life spent looking over your shoulder in case the tall, dark stranger is wearing a mad glint in his eye and holding a long knife.
That said, seeing the future and telling you what to watch this week is totally fantastic and should probably be seen as the best thing to happen to the human race since whoever invented Nutella was blasted out of their mother's baby cannon. So, sit comfortably, pop some Nutella (or other available chocolate spreads) onto a slice of Ryvita (or other available cardboards) and let us, guide you, through the next week.
Saturday
I'm In A Boy Band – BBC2, 9:20pm
Boy Bands are great aren't they? They're the unthreatening popstars of the future that it's quite acceptable to fancy alongside your mother/father. Even though Boy Bands may change over time, they all work from the same formula. Like some Pythagorean formula of xy chromosomes. There always needs to be a soppy, girly looking one, the singer/songwriter one, the one that can make a leather jacket look not like it belongs to a leather enthusiast, the one that can dance and the one that can pull off stubble without looking like a thug. By themselves they might just be a hit at the local working men's clubs, but when their powers combine, they are … THE ULTIMATE BOY BAND.
This documentary takes a good old look at the history of the Boy Band, from The Osmonds all the way up to those popsqueaks One Direction, stopping off at The Jackson 5 and maybe even some Bay City Rollers if you're a good girl. Go ahead and reminisce about your youth and not at all get upset because going to one The Wanted's concert would make you incredibly tired for the rest of the week. Being old is horrible isn't it? Imagine how Judi Dench feels.
Sunday
Homeland – Channel 4, 9:00pm
Homeland was almost going to be the hecklerspray's Sunday pick last week, but Upstairs Downstairs just pushed it out of the way. We like to think that it was the effect that Alex Kingston has over us all, but it's probably just because seemed more dramatically awful than Homeland seemed great. After seeing the first episode last week we were taken aback by the amazing performances put in by Damien Lewis and Claire Danes. Claire Danes, the same woman who played the simpering Juliet in Romeo Plus Juliet, the very woman who is the saviour of the human race in Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines. We would not have thought that she had this sort of performance in her. We were shocked, quite frankly.
Homeland is the story of what happens when someone who has been captured behind enemy lines comes back and needs to be re-socialised. But wait! He might be an Al Qaeda. But no one knows for sure, but Claire Danes thinks that he is. We obviously won't spoil it for you, but there's something sinister going on the garage. Which just happens to be where Claire Danes' secret, highly illegal cameras don't show. Intrigued? Well, you should be.
Monday
Stop My Stutter – BBC3, 9:00pm
The first series of Pop Idol is widely regarded as one of the greatest reality TV show successes of all time, just pipped to the post by the late, racist Jade Goody and her Mingin'-Gate. And the reason that it was so successful was because it wasn't just two alright singers who were going head to head, it was also two speech impediments that were clashing. We had Will Young with his massively wide tongue (ooeer boys) and Gareth Gates who struggled to even say his own name, but managed to pop out a ballad or two during the series. Well, Pop Idol was ten whole years ago and now Gareth Gates is fast becoming a stable, if slightly greasy looking, thirty something with delusions of grandeur.
Apparently, to cure his stammer Gates enrolled in the McGuire programme that teaches stammerers how to control it, and was so good he even became an instructor for them. This is essentially an advert for face cream. There's the 'look at me, wasn't I shit at this' part, followed by the 'wow, look at me now. I can say words and everything' part, and it's even applied to other, "real" people. Like Simon, who can't say his wedding vows (who clearly doesn't have a phobia of commitment) and Sarah who wants to be a teacher. There's no word on whether licking Jordan can cure a stammer though, so we might to wait until Series 2; Stop My Stutter 2: B-b-b-bigger, F-f-fatter and unc-c-c-c-cut.
Tuesday
Supersize vs Superskinny – Channel 4, 8:00pm
It's upsetting when programmes become so comfortable that they have to go to unfortunate ends to make them relevant again. Like when Steptoe and Son took in the posh Great Aunt. Or when Kelly Brook joined Britain's Got Talent only to be unceremoniously jettisoned like the Alien at the end of Alien. So it's a shame that Supersize vs Superskinny have decided that they need to create a team contest gimmick to carry the series through.
Instead of having one Supersizer and one Superskinny swap diets for a week and see how they fare, they have lined up numerous Supersizers and an equal number of Superskinnies to see which one can lose/gain the most weight. Much like what Celebrity Fit Club was, only without those sanctimonious old Anns, Ann Widdicombe and Anne Diamond. This does sound like a sort of complaint, but the core appeal of SSvsSS is still there: let's look at how fat some people can be and then marvel at the extent that some people will go to to be like Cheryl Cole.
Wednesday
Two Jews on a Cruise: A Wonderland Film
There's not much that residents of the hecklerspray hovel don't find funny, apart from rampant levels of abuse and bad language, but less said about Ed Sheeran's '+' the better. One of our favourite things is Jewish humour. We love the shit out of Maureen Lipman (who one of the hecklerspray team saw in Whitley Bay one time) and her BT adverts from years ago, and even the following sitcom based around the character. Woody Allen is a massive treat for us and there's always someone asking 'Woody Allen or chips?' So what's better than having hundreds of funny Jewish comedians milling around?
Putting them on a boat, that's what! Two Jews on a Cruise looks at two Jews (duh!) called Gaby and Tikwah Lock as they take part on the World's very first, very special kosher cruise, as it tours around the Mediterranean and takes in all the sights. The ship is going to be full of Jews, that might be suffering from food poisoning or sea sickness. Trust us, it's going to be comedy gold. And if not gold, then definitely a paper medal to show that you took part.
Thursday
Kidnap and Ransom – ITV1, 9:00pm
'He's tall, he's aggrieved, he makes the ladies weak at their knees, it's Trevor Eve. TREV-OR EVE.'
And if that, obviously brilliant song about Trevor Eve doesn't compel you to tune into the disappointing second episode of Kidnap and Ransom then I don't know what is, because it sure as muck off a shovel is fast isn't going to be the plot. That's for sure. Telling us that there's a bus of poor hostages that need rescuing and that it's only Trevor Eve who can do it is a stuttering point to begin with. Trevor Eve doesn't care if people live or die, even fictional people. He's Trevor Eve! He's married to the woman who was in the Nescafe adverts years ago. He used to play Detective Superintendent Boyd on Waking The Dead for years. These people don't come close to being a concern to him. Maybe if one of them was a beautiful lady, then Trevor Eve would care. Or one of them played a plucky psychiatrist in a bad wig, then perhaps. But until that happens, these people can explode or whatever.
Friday
The Joy of Disco – BBC4, 9:00pm
If disco music means to you 'stuffy rooms filled with people dancing like they should be in a retirement home rendition of Saturday Night Fever' then prepare to learn a lot. Disco music is often the music of the minority, and this documentary goes on to explain why that is. Stopping off at Studio 54, Blackpool Mecca and even gay liberation, it's a look back at the ways of recent yesteryear, that still has a resonating effect on the modern day music scene. Where would be without rugby players re-enacting the Bee Gees' Night Fever? Or ladies screeching 'I Will Survive' at the top of their lungs as we're trying to sleep on a Sunday morning?
Even modern bands, like Daft Punk and CSS hail disco legends like Chic and their inimitable lead Nile Rodgers as inspiration, and it's hard to see why not because some of the greatest songs came from the 70s. And Disco Duck. If you have a glancing knowledge of disco music, but haven't had the time to have a trawl through Wikipedia, then this is definitely the show for you. Even if you don't enjoy the words and history, bask in the glory of one of the catchiest eras of music.
No hay comentarios:
Publicar un comentario