Hecklerscopes: 28 February 2012

Once again, it is time to peer into Uranus and decide what is happening with your future, based around the activities of the solar system.

Of course, the planets have a huge affect on our lives, farting their interstellar magic all over the fabric of time, determining which path we take as we edge closer to our inevitable, lonely death.

And so, by way of cheat-sheetery, read your hecklerspray horoscopes and find out if you want to push against what is deemed inevitable or, indeed, brace yourself and accept your miserable fate.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

For some inexplicable reason, you've decided to trust someone who stares at an unyielding, empty sky for answers, rather than look at more pressing problems in your life and acting accordingly.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Once more, a series of unfulfilling sexual encounters leaves you lacking in pleasure, but also, a profound understanding of the ingredients of Cystopurin. At some point, you decide to nickname yourself Sister Purin because it makes you laugh. This is precisely why you're alone.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

Ah Gemini, you two-faced harridan! The bitchiest of all the signs! You've been passing time at work by being a supreme gossip-monger, which is all well and good, but this week sees you getting your just desserts when a tall, dark strangers hands you a mysterious letter. Call 0898-I-T-S-Y-O-U-R-P-4-5 for more details.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

The love of your life is about to enter your life. Sadly for you, you were reading this horoscope and you didn't notice him. Fate is incredibly cruel isn't it?

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

By Thursday you'll feel more positive about your career when your boss mysteriously disappears. You're welcome.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Hey Virgo! Leo didn't realise that they've been given a horoscope that was offered to them a few weeks ago. So what does that tell you? Correct. Go away.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

Not all horoscopes detail exciting events, regrettably. With that, the coming month sees you hanging the washing up on more than one occasion.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

Sometimes, a video can chronicle your future more succinctly than words. You are the donkey in this scenario.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

This week, once again, you spend your entire time on social networking complaining about how miserable you are and how you can't find someone to have sex with yet, startlingly, you haven't worked out that this is precisely the reason why you're so unswervingly lonely and you've 'started to heal up'. Having read this, you will not change your habits because you assume this horoscope is talking about someone else, you deluded penis.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

The Van Allen radiation belt is a torus of energetic charged particles around Earth, which is held in place by Earth's magnetic field. It is presumed that most of the particles that form the belts come from solar wind and other particles by cosmic rays. It is thought that the first astronauts in space would've died of radiation poisoning when travelling through the Van Allen belt because of inadequate equipment, leading many to believe the first lunar landings were fake. Why are you getting told this? Because frankly, you seem to think space is an important part of the thing that shapes your fate, so humans flying through radiation must have something to do with the fact that, next week, a dead satellite is going to land on your face and maim you. Then you'll die of slow, invisible radiation suffocation.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

This week sees you reading the words "this week sees you reading the words without any satisfactory ending to the sentence" without any satisfactory ending to the sentence.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

Birthdays are looming large in your legend at the moment, mainly because you've just had one or, indeed, are waiting for one. Either way, the barren card situation is doing nothing for your self-esteem, leaving you stood at your window, gently sobbing with a far-away look in your eye, much like a depressed colonel firing absent-mindedly into a towering pile of dead civilians.