Readers’ Letters: “The Bizarre Book Of The Baywatch Racist”

To think, it's only been a week since the last Readers' Letters and here you are; still sitting with blood dripping from your mouth, waiting for more. You're too keen, if you keep this up we'll never love you.

Love is a well-known phenomenon which is actually the very antithesis of Readers' Letters. Can you imagine a week where no-one poured scorn upon us because they've been the victims of an enforced humourectomy? Of course you can't. It's never happened.

We'd have to start being nice.

Unlikely.

In fact, so many people whipped their ire up into something resembling the foamy milk that you get on posh coffees that it took everything in our power to stop ourselves breaking down in tears and ending it all in a blaze of blood, semen and tears.

Speaking of Rihanna's upcoming collaboration with Chris Brown, this week saw the return of #TeamBreezy. It transpires that they hadn't gone away at all and were just massing around the corner, sharpening their spears and blunting their coshes. You see, not everyone believes that Chris Brown is a reprehensible, buck-toothed git-stack. Some people believe he is above the law, like TEAMBREEZYOMGDON'THATE:

lololol, I am a condoner of what Chris Brown did, I think anyone who beats someone up is totally forgiveable! Oh, and the fact that he earns more money than y'all means he MUST be better than all his haters, and have great talent!

The fact that over 3 million copies were sold couldn't reflect on the public's shitty taste in music, but just shows how great Chris Brown is. I mean, come on, it's IMPOSSIBLE for people to hate on other people, unless they are a) gettin' money or b) jealous of the fact they can't beat their partners up too!

You gonna hate on me? Well you're just jeeaaalouuuss! 

Yes, we are going to hate on you. Here's why:

1. Anyone who "hates" on Chris Brown will undoubtedly do so for one of three reasons. They either dislike his music, dislike his fans or they dislike the fact that he unapologetically beats women and sets a terrible example for the morons highlighted in the former. Those who condone the actions of Chris Brown, leaving the 'reasoning' down to "haterz gunna hate" miss the point on such a profound level that it would take a particle physicist, three philosophers and the world's best anthropologist to even begin to relocate it.
2. Chris Brown earns more money than a great majority of the world's population and is therefore entitled to hit whoever he wants? We can only hope Donald Trump never gets hold of that information or we'll all be blown off the face of the planet in one deft adjustment of his tiger toupée.
3. There are bound to be more than 3 million dribbling morons in the world, it just so happens that some of them like something other than shit-speckled RnB.
4. The suggestion that people who dislike Chris Brown do so because they're jealous of not being able to beat up their partners displays a level of utter idiocy that is usually enough to see someone classified as a lobotomy case. No-one should be able to beat a partner or anyone else for that matter. Some things can't be boiled down to jealousy and it is purely an indicator of simple-minded ignorance to believe that they can.

Michael Park… If you dont like the pair then its pretty simple. Dont watch them. At least mark wright is trying to do something with his life (so what if its of the back of a reality show), rather than sitting on his arse writing blogs

Hold up folks! The reverse-intelligencia are here with their stunningly flawed logic. Make way, make way people! Moron coming through! Of course it stands to reason that the only way to achieve anything in life and, as Kate puts it, "do something" is to be on television and the only way to be the best person you can possibly be is to be an insipid, emotionally stunted meat-sack with a perma-tan and an accent like Kate Nash on hormones.

Writers of the world! Throw down your pens for Kate has delivered her verdict! No longer is it enough to have your work published or noticed in the world. No longer is it important to try and reach the pinnacle of your professional existence! No longer are you allowed to write (especially not about potential TV double-acts)! Your achievement will mean nothing unless you follow the exact career path of Mark Wright!

Fuck off.

Hold that thought though! Maybe everyone does hate us. Here's a person called THEtruth who enjoys the work of Charlie Sheen and thinks that we're awful:

SHUT UP LOSER Sheen is AWESOME AND YOUR BLOG IS A PIECE OF SHIT, truth hurts i know..ha HA ha.

Kate! Come back, we're sorry! How can we say such a thing when everyone agrees with you! Our site is a piece of shit and the numerous awards that we've won for constantly outsmarting the slow-brained fans of equally slow celebrities mean nothing now that we have been judged by someone who believes that "being a crack addict" is a good PR move! Let us confess our sins to you!

This week, no-one suggested that we go to hell, burn in hell, meet the devil and confess our sins or wait around patiently for the fiery damnation of the rapture. Assuming that people do still believe in god and that this is merely a freak occurrence, have some odious racism instead. Take it away, Stu.

You limes can laugh at the Americans for looking at titties all you want, dont forget who kicked your butts in one war, and saved your butts in two more. Now you gave your country over to the sand ni****s, practice your Arabic, your gonna need it.

Usually we wouldn't 'edit' a comment before we put it in Readers' Letters but this isn't funny in of itself. It's a disgusting attack on a country and its immigrant population over a comedic article that flippantly mentions that Americans like to look at the female form every now and then. We get a surprising amount of flamboyant racism on the site but this one caught our eye because of the context.

Is this the rant of someone who is supporting the world view of one of the world's foremost celebrities? Is this #TeamBreezy, trying to deflect some attention away from their idol and onto British immigrants? Has the yoke of Imperialism finally caught up with us and we're being made to feel shame for the way we treated our former colonies?

Or is this an ignorant American who believes that America should be paid reparations by the UK for intervening in two wars due to a complicated system of geo-political events and alliances? Is this someone who honestly believes that the might of the American army will one day rule supreme in a krypto-fascist world state where the white man rules over his 'native' underlings?

It's none of these. Stu was angry because of an article which was written in 2008 about the "Top 8 Baywatch Babes". Which, if we had one, would definitely win Stu the Nutsack of the Week award.

Things have been all-too serious this week and there's not enough things like this:

poop and pee is fun to eat if you have vomit on the side let me fuck your ass

Next week's a special all about multiple personalities and the art of trolling. So until then, piss-weasels.