Trailer Park: English Accents And A Dwarf In An Oven

Today we got a text and what it said was profound and in caps. The delight that greeted us was simply, "TWO DAYS IN NEW YORK: JULIE DELPY, CHRIS ROCK." We ignored it because why would we not?

We live in a world where it's okay to like Julie Delpy and her massive idiosyncratic glasses that anthropomorphise her face; yes, we do realise that that's not even possible. We live in this world, but we don't have to like it (we do) and we definitely don't have to watch it (we do).

Anyway, eurgh, movies are rubbish, especially the ones that haven't even come out yet, they're so rubbish that they make us feel emotions and always, always wish that our life was like them. It's nice to wish your life was like the movies. It's also delusional and if your favourite movie is Natural Born Killers then its borderline psychotic. Trailers are even more dangerous. Trailers compact this into two minutes of adrenaline fuelled longing; it's like having emotional epilepsy. Shall we watch some trailers?

You'll be pleased to know that you can cuddle up to the bosom of LA on Sunday night for The Oscars where you can see the absolutely, definitely, very real, non-puppet Miss Piggy presenting an award along with some of your favourite screen-heroes like Batman, Snake Plissken, Woody Allen, and Margaret Thatcher; all of whom will be turning up in their human suits no doubt. Posers.

There are though some new lies being delivered to you in the guise of entertainment and here they are.

First up the best party that you weren't invited to is now being flaunted all over the place under the name "Project X" which does make it sound like it's going to turn into a horror flick at any moment, but it's by the boy calling himself a man that made The Hangover so don't be worrying about plot or anything.

What are Jimmy Kimmel, the army, and a dog all doing with their careers? We feel like idiots for wanting to watch that, but then so do you so it's not so bad really, when you think about it.

Antonia Banderas is in a film where he doesn't play an animated cat. Instead he's in a desert babbling about something quintessentially warrioresque, for some reason Mark Strong is there doing his British Hard-man In A Desert look.

Look, the greedy American capitalist pig from The Mummy is back, now starring as the greedy American capitalist pig in Black Gold. Frieda Pinto-bean is there doing the opposite of everything she did in Slumdog Millionaire, i.e having money, which is lovely for her, she seems to be enjoying it. We haven't got the foggiest what it might be about, but for some reason we're really craving a cup of Nescafe now.

Oof, that was raunchy and epic and all sorts of other descriptive words that amount to an epiphany. We think he's going to die though and we haven't read the book so there are no spoilers or anything. A film where pasty faced Robert Pattinson beds numerous attractive women (and Kristen Scott Thomas) in the 19^th century sounds delightful and despicable in equal measures. It has shouting, crying, and period costume which is exactly what you insufferable 'realist' bastards want, we'd rather have a narcoleptic Lynchian nightmare.

Since we went a bit raving mad at the start you may as well suffer our fates and condemn yourselves to the realisation that you too will never be Julie Delpy while Julie Delpy is still alive; which according to this clip might not be long, she's thirty-fucking-seven don't you know?

It's 38 seconds long and it's just talking, just Julie Delpy talking to Chris Rock!! In an office in New York because that's just how Julie Delpy rolls these days.

Have a suitably medicated week.