David Hasselhoff Bothers QVC By Singing All Over It

As far as adoptions go, the UK proudly house people of all colour and creed. Is it because we care? Or so we can steal their national culinary cuisines and make inferior versions of them? Just look at Nandos and Yo Sushi. Because the Brits don't like actual Germans, David Hasselhoff ticks our Vaterland criteria.

And with our Germanic Hoff substitute, we didn't get sausages and strong ale, we got Knight Rider – a programme so awful that the only realistic thing in it was a talking motor car called KITT.

After returning to his adopted homeland to flog power ballads, Hasselhoff returned to the UK and ironically got asked to judge Britain's Got Talent. Surely after that watching his poor German humour on primetime TV, he'd go away? Nope, he's still around pestering those who'll listen. Even shambolic bidding TV channel QVC isn't safe. They were treated to a performance from 'The Hoff' as he launched his new album. Der abschaum der menschlichen gesellschaft!

Fans of Britain's Got Talent shouldn't go looking David Hasselhoff's musical material up. It's the audio equivalent of Two Girls One Cup and depending on what sort of person you are, you'll listen to an entire song and pretend that it didn't bother you, or wince in fear immediately, breaking down like a child who's lost their parents in Tesco.

And when we say 'lost' and 'Tesco', we mean 'lost to a mass culling by a ferocious, clawed spectre floating through the aisles with a hatchet, in Tesco'. That's how bad Hasselhoff's music.

Aaaaanyway, you might laugh at the idea of people using QVC as a promotional launch tool, when there are equally appalling daytime shows out there such as Loose Women (QVC for the menopause). However, don't write off this shopping channel! The likes of Charlotte Church, Westlife, Dolly Parton, John Barrowman and Peter Andre have all whored their wares on QVC before. Big names, we're sure you'll agree.

And it appears that The Hoff is next in line to join the growing list of artists who feel their music appeals to bored housewives who buy all their shopping off a channel that's as fast paced as a hundred toddlers coming down off a sugar rush. According to the PR guff that accompanied the performance, this is what he was flogging:

"David Hasselhoff sings tracks from an LP, which sees him covering Broadway love songs including A Chorus Line's 'What I Did For Love', and 'Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head' from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."

Looking at the calendar, we see that Mothers' Day is coming up and if you need a last minute gift, you might as well keep this album in mind. This is the sort of vile trash that mums like.

The dizzy heights of Bid Up TV await.