Hecklerspray Brit Awards 2012: The Critics Choice Venn Diagram Award

One of the more notable, or should we say biggest bloody deals of life ever of tonight's Brits, is the British Critics' Choice Awards. Otherwise who the hell else are we going to fawn over for the next 8-10 months?

The pop equivalent of Bambi's surrogate mother and all round Robin Williams Pixar voice impersonator Lana Del Rey?

This is literally the only way we will ever be able to properly understand music and engage in credibility, now that according to Twitter – 'Coldplayers run the world' (we personally don't think they could run a tap without bursting into tears because they found a metaphor in the water) and Joe McElderry has gone classical. It's difficult being us.

Now, the Critics' Choice really is just The Mercury Prize with say, more Aladdin trousers and gimp masks instead of Mercury's more demure 'trilby and feelings-y' kind of approach to things. But over the years we cannot deny there have been some stand-out acts that have withstood the hype and really made us think about 'emotionals' and 'matters of the hearts' and to a lesser extent 'the opinions of Zane Lowe'.

The prize was first introduced in 2008, assumingly to budge aside some of the fluff categories that started clogging up the Brits ethos during the Pete Waterman Third Reich regime of the early 2000s, such as 'Best pop act', 'Best British rock act' 'Best Lee Ryan Layered Hooded Top' etc. It was all just getting a little too elitist. Although these may just have been a whitewash conspired by the British Phonography Industry to stop A1 from winning an award entitled 'Best British Breakthrough', but that's by the by.

(Also, hands up who thinks it's a little more than a coincidence that in 1984 the Lifetime Achievement award was renamed 'The Sony Award for Technical Excellence' because Spandau Ballet won? Just a thought.)

Anyway –  since it's modest beginnings, 'The critics' (ie: The John Lewis advert-making Collective circa 2010 apparently) have so far given Adele, Florence and the Machine, Elle Goulding the nod. Yep, nothing suspiciously irritating about that whatsoever. I mean, it's not the music industry's fault that male singer songwriters' don't shop at Oxfam Originals and/or have boobs. Well, we suppose that doesn't really explain Peter Andre, but nevertheless.

 

This year, the best singer in the UK today with angular hair is Emili Sandé, which apparently gives her immunity over the remainder of 2012 in terms of musical credibility (she has a quiff.) SAYING THAT, last year's winner of the Critic's Choice Award was none other than equally angular haired adversary Jessie J. But who do we, hecklerspray, think is better?

The answer is of course: We really don't mind, we just want to get ganglesmacked on a Saturday night and not much else really. (Preferably at a Ferero Rocher Ambassador cloak room, if anyone was wondering.) But that didn't stop us from pondering about this matter in the medium of a lovable and reliable Venn Diagram. Because a Venn Diagram is something that will actually hold you at night. A Venn Diagram won't argue with you at 7 in the morning that the fact it didn't have a caesarean to give birth to you means they love you.

Click to make it bigger. Much like a penis.