Michael Fassbender Still Fancied By Hipsters Because He Got His Wang Out

Thanks to being a bit ugly and getting his chap out in Shame, Michael Fassbender is definitely the latest hipster flame, leaving twitter frigging itself red raw over the very mention of his name. Move over James Franco – there's a new alt. pin-up in town.

Fassbender not only has a funny surname, but he almost saw his hipster credentials rocket last night as he won a grand total of zero Oscars, leaving the actor delighted that his newly found cool status remains untouched.

Much like the gussets of his many adoring ladyfans.

Of course, Fassbender says he is determined to enjoy every second of his success and has described his rise to fame as "crazy."

He won't be enjoying it too much though, for fear of upsetting his fans. He must maintain a veneer of chilly cool.

Naturally, people will say they fancy the German/Irish actor because he's talented and brave. Don't be fooled though – these people like his six pack and dangling wang that he's got out in a couple of films. Shame is also the perfect vehicle for those who pretend they're into kink. It's about a sex-addict. The viewer can daydream about having a sex-addict Michael Fassbender at their beck-and-call.

Fassbender says:

"I don't want to spend too much time thinking about the things I've done, or linger in the past. I can find that depressing. The main thing is thinking about what I can do next and making sure I do a good job."

"This whole experience is crazy. When I decided this was what I wanted to do, this was the situation I dreamed about being in. It's nuts."

Then, to tick the boxes for those who want a sensitive pin-up, Fassbender knocks it out of the park with some thesp chat. Talking of Shame:

"The idea of sexual addiction is a grey area. All of us were probably introduced to it through celebrity stories, so there's a certain public perception that it's a self-indulgence within that world."

"What I got from the film was this great humanity. It's tough to be human. We're all fragile in our own way and each of the characters needs somebody to help them. I thought that was quite moving."

Signing off with a flourish to really dampen the seats of the hipsters, Fassbender delivers a bomb. Talking of sex and nudity:

"I don't feel comfortable parading around naked in what is essentially, at the beginning, a room full of strangers, but it had to be done. It was an essential part of getting inside the psyche. Besides, my imagination was much more devious than what was in the script"

So, there you have it. Fassbender – the wet-dream of the lonely social networking onanist. And god, doesn't he know it? Also – you fancy Bobby Sands. Shame, because there's a man who would really make you feel fat.