The Oscars: Everything You Need To Know About It Because You Went To Bed (Includes Blackface And Potential Nipple)

Last night saw the Oscars or Academy Awards being held and a bunch of people did some stuff, while others collected trophies and other didn't do much at all, but still somehow got in the newspapers.

It was amazing, obviously.

Like sensible people, most of you were in bed last night. And so you don't miss out on anything, we've decided to create a big cheat-sheet for you so you can talk about the Oscars in the office like you stayed up all night. And no, no-one actually expected Billy Crystal to black-up for his opening segment.

Okay, so what did you miss? Well, truth be told, it was a gigantically boring ceremony and filled with the usual grateful acceptance speech dross, people cracking wise and a whole host of women in frocks strutting around like parrots for peanuts.

Snoozeville USA.

However, there were some talking points, so let us give them to you. Feel free to say these things out loud to your friends at work or when you attend an awful dinner party later.

Nipple

There were no nipples last night. The closest we got to a nipple slip was Jennifer Lopez who wore a silver thing that was pretty low-cut. Basically, everyone was wishing her boobs to fall out but there wasn't so much as a peak of accidental areola. Her stylist has said:

"If you thought that dress was hot, wait until you see what's next."

Full frontal nudity one suspects. Either way, the 2012 Academy Awards was boob-free. And no, clearly no-one cares about 'cock-slips' or whatever.

Blackface

We can't quite believe we're writing this, but last night, Billy Crystal blacked up for a sketch. Yep. It's the return of blackface and no-one seemed to have the foresight to point this out to the Oscars host beforehand. There was also a sketch which saw Crystal eating a pie filled with faecal matter. Seriously. It's like he's seen Ricky Gervais courting controversy and decided he wants in. A little.

Good Clothes

There were celebrities quite literally wearing clothes last night. Some of them were made by people with surnames such as Vuitton and Wang. Words used on the night were "taffeta", "gown" and "organza". In one report, a fashion writer (the real scum of the Earth) wrote, without any trace of irony, "the night belonged to exposed shoulders."

Bad Clothes

Some people didn't look as nice in their clothes as some other people did.

Men's suits

The men wore tuxedos and thereby managed to avoid all that fashion writer swill and get on with enjoying the free booze and grinning at award nominations and the like.

George Clooney's Beard

He was clean shaven, but still arrived with a beard.

The Artist

The Artist won five Academy Awards, including best picture. This was always going to happen because no-one likes any other films this year. The Artist is not only a silent movie, but it is also in black and white. Take that Avatar! Or something. No-one honestly cares, do they?

Being A Monster Is Good

Boris Karloff. Christopher Lee. Robert De Niro. They've all enjoyed playing ghoulish monsters on the silver screen. And last night, one of the biggest ogres of all landed an Oscar for Meryl Streep for portraying Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady.

Woody Allen

Astonishingly, Woody Allen won an Academy award last night. He bagged a statuette for his original script for Midnight in Paris. Of course, he didn't go to the event itself but, y'know, that's okay because he makes really, really lousy films. He always has. Oh shut up, Annie Hall is gaspingly awful and absolutely responsible for the horror that is Zooey Deschanel.

Sacha Baron Cohen Prank

Cohen wasn't banned from the event and turned up in his Dictator guise. While there, he spoke to Ryan Seacrest and promptly went about spilling an urn that contained the ashes of Kim Jong-Il all over him. Cohen also said that his Gaddafi-esque uniform was designed by John Galliano.

Iran State TV Wins An Oscar

Iran's state TV described the country's foreign film Oscar win as a victory over Israel. No, honestly. The Iranian film 'A Separation' won ahead of Israel's 'Footnote', which was celebrated on Iranian TV as showing how the country had succeeded in "leaving behind" a film from the "Zionist regime."

Him From Flight Of The Conchords

Bret from "Flight of the Conchords won an Oscar for original-song. He penned 'Man or Muppet' which is on the new Muppets flick. If you like Bret from FotC, then this is good news.

Nothing Else Happened

Nothing else happened.