Cheryl Cole Quite Literally In A Film, May Return To UK X Factor: Be Still Our Dying Brains!

Two granola-sized pieces of Cheryl Cole news for you today, and they both matter absolutely not at all, but let's just talk about it anyway, okay? It's important sometimes to force yourself into new cultures – you know, like caviar, or Newsnight Hugh Grant.

A while ago, we happened to mention  that ARGHCHEZZA (as the English language's basic semantic functions deduce her name to be) was going to be in 'a film with Cameron Diaz in it'.

This wasn't even something we made up to hurt you or cause you notable mental or physical distress, it really was the truth – and sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes – the truth is also; that people will literally give anybody any ridiculous sum of money for doing basically anything at all if they give good side boob. It's just human trafficking, and it's fine. *Mutters*

So if you scroll down all this legitimate prejudice you can watch the trailer for said film at the end, where you will momentary glimpse the FALLEN MEDIA ANGEL OF OUR HEARTS playing a reality TV show judge. Which is literally amazing – as she's genuinely done that In Real Life, so by christ that's incredibly clever for a Cameron Diaz film.

Especially considering the last big one was a full psychological investigation into Cameron Diaz trying to raise four grand by exploiting children so she could have a breast augmentation to engage in a bit of light frottage with Justin Timberlake.

Presumably a bit of the ol' semi-fictionalized, semi-autobiographical, semi-dystopian influence going on there no doubt, as you'll be able to see from the 0.3 second clip of her looking mildly like she needs a long, thick urination. Which isn't even funny alright, because she totally had malaria for ages and the last thing she needs right now is mild thrush too.

The second piece of BIG NEWS is that she might be coming back to UK X Factor, again. That's right – AGAIN. Like how Margaret Thatcher died AGAIN. Except she didn't die, did she? No matter how many state funerals or how many hashtags you guys arrange, she is still here, whether it be via cryogenics or eating fresh vegetables or Lord of the Rings, or whatever. And just like MARGARET THATCHER, Cheryl Cole never came back to the X Factor either, no matter how much you begged and pleaded and wrote endless letters to the Shane Ritchie – okay?

Adele never finished her Brit Awards speech about how gratifyingly mundane people get to be happy, okay? Things don't mystically work out the way they wanted, Okay? Check Kate Thornton's CV. Okay? Read Atonement. OKAY?

So who is our reliable source on the latest strain of hope? Only watered down, lesser spotted Max Clifford that is Louis Walsh of course!

'I'll tell you who the panel will be. It will be Gary Barlow, Louis Walsh, Tulisa and perhaps Cheryl Cole. She could be back. I'm not saying she definitely will but I'd love to see her.'

AMAZING! We can't actually believe the Mirror managed to bleed that out of him! Well, that's that sorted then.

Oh and here's that trailer for What To Expect When You're Expecting (original title for Blade Runner, IMDB fans!) Cheryl's at 40 seconds, the rest went over our heads because we spent our lives absorbing logic and watching films with narratives, like the vestal maidens that we are. So embarrassing.