Hecklerscopes: 17 January 2012

Once again, we're here to bring you amazing insights into your life! Aren't you lucky?? Well, actually no. Probably not. Were our predictions correct last week? Of course they were, we don't just make this stuff up you know.

 This is science.

You probably thought it was all mumbo-gumbo, but when did anyone ever accuse Prof. Brian Cox or Patrick Moore of mumbo-gumbists? No, like us, they are properly scientific when they stare at the stars. And so, let our gravitational pull deflect advice your miserable, miserable way.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

The planets want you to know that life won't always be this hard for you. You'll have to die at some point (a tall dark stranger arrives at your funeral by accident).

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

You accidentally listen to Adele this week.  The police negotiator finally talks you off the ledge on Saturday.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

It's a little known fact that those born under the sign of Gemini have musical testes. A loved-one asks you to prove this with a mallet during a children's party.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You're convinced you're going to spend the rest of your life alone and with no surprises. That man hiding in your wardrobe knows differently.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

By Thursday you'll feel more positive about your career when your boss mysteriously disappears. You're welcome.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Your ex and his new girlfriend share everything. Including genital warts. With Capri Sun being in the realm of The Judean Belt, you can safely say it was you who provided this little present to the happy couple.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

World of Warcraft is good isn't it? Do you know what else is good? Physical contact with other human beings. Call our hotline for acne-removal tips: 0845 H-E-C-K-L-E-R

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

If you could change one thing, what would it be? We'd start with that lisp. And that hairy neck. And those toe-nails that look like pork scratchings. And that rubber claw.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

That Bukkake party you were invited to was a real eye opener. Don't worry,  body fluid blindness is only temporary.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Everyone thinks you're such a great guy. Your gran and her missing pension think otherwise. A chance encounter leads to a short stretch in prison.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

You wish you'd been braver and put up a picture of yourself on that dating site, when your Dad unknowingly messages you for some casual sex on Sunday.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

We know you're feeling low this week – you've posted it 189 times on Twitter.  Funnily enough this is also the number of people who will unfollow you if you don't shut up.